So I am out of town. Just spent the first night with an old college friend and his family. Good times!
In terms of the goodbyes with the W. It was a bit awkward. When I arrived at the house, she was still asleep. But, evidently, the dog had opened the door to the bedroom, so it was wide open. Seeing her sleep peacefully and beautifully was tough. I closed the door to give her privacy. The dog was making a racket running around on the hardwoods with her claws, but she kept on sleeping.
I had basically packed up 95 percent of my things when she finally came out. She helped look for a couple of things and then made us both some coffee and we sat on the couch to talk. Again, I was positive and upbeat and steered the conversation to light-hearted fare. She did mention Anthony Bourdains suicide since we both enjoyed his show, but that was it in terms of downbeat conversation. I asked her about her climbing, since that is what she is most passionate about, and we talked about that. I have a little carpal tunnel from climbing and she got out her massage books to look up what to do, and ended up giving me a splint.
At one point she pointed out my new shirt and said how nice it looked on me, and then noticed I had new shoes and complimented them as well. When I told her that I was posting my trip pics on instagram, her utter surprise was evident in her big eyes and she said "You, what?" She clearly didnt expect that from me.
Later, she asked me a bit more about my trip and I told her the thing I was most looking forward to was the little mini-reunion with former students who really meant a lot to me but whom I have not seen in a decade. I think, maybe, I was getting a bit emotional as I talked about, but, in any case, W completely lost it as her eyes filled to the brims and she started sobbing. I asked her if it was ok to give her a hug (I did make a little screw up by using our pet name for one another, which I have assiduously avoided). So I gave her a hug, and she held on extra long and then squeezed extra hard, and then told me again how damn skinny I am right now. After that, she took my hand and started massaging it (for the carpal tunnel).
When I went outside to leave, she took a picture for my instagram, and then was walking around checking the tires, making sure everything was okay. We gave each other another shorter hug, and I took off.
Again, I think that I handled everything in the way that I wanted to, except for the one slip up. I showed her the man that I want to be in the meeting, a man happy with his life and positive in his outlook. Her desire to move out still hasnt wavered, and I validated her in that. This time though, I was struck by the sadness of the situation, and the possible finality of the goodbye as I drove away. It all sort of hit me on my way out of town and I felt like I had used up all of my strength to get through the encounter and that I was just wasted from the effort. There wasnt the same feeling of positivity like after the previous meetings. I wasnt upset or unhappy with how it went at all, just sad and anxious about the future.
Now that I am at my friends house, I am GALing and already moving past those feelings. I am sure that the warmth of friendship and family and the benefit of distance will help me further detach.
My one silly question to end this with: W went into the car and cleared out all of her cds (music is important to her). However, she left her favorite cd in the player. Would it be pursuity to mail it back to her?
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Last night we played a dice game, and when my friends's wife brought out the notepad to mark the score and rules, she noted that they hadn't played in years, that the last time that they played was with the two of them, me and W. That just started up the memory train.
This morning I got up and went for an hour long walk, listening to a podcast, just to get moving. I kept getting flooded with beautiful memories of the two of us together. So much of the marriage was so good, and there was so much love - love like I have never otherwise experienced in my life. I started bawling as I was walking down the secluded path. It just hit me - how good I had it, what a beautiful thing it was that somehow got destroyed, and I feel like the finality of it being over is hitting me even harder now that I have left town.
I am getting worried more and more about the trip. All this time alone is hard to deal with. At home I had work, my commute on bike, my exercise, regular time with friends, a routine that was strange but comforting. Now, I just have acres and acres of time to think about things. Plus both of my wrists are hurting with carpal tunnel syndrome and I don't know if I can climb for a while...
Just down. I know this is the roller coaster, but it is hard not to get motion sick, and hard to realize that this part of the ride will end.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Hi Davide, I read your thread this morning and have been worrying about all the same stuff about separating finances with my W. Ended up talking to my W about it this morning at breakfast (among many other divorce-related topics) and found that we were pretty much in agreement with what ought to be done. Worrying about these conversations has been more stressful than actually having them, I think mostly because of a belief I have that just having them at all is so wrong and goes against what I believe my marriage should be. Idunno, it's hard for me to let go of that belief even though I know my W doesn't share it.
I wanted to thank you for being here and let you know I appreciated your thread as I thought about what to do with my own sitch.
Me:30 W:31 S:4 M:7 T:12 PA: 5/6/18 - ? W moved out 7/18
I am at the "beach" with my parents. It feels good, but I have only ever been in this house with the W, so there are still memories (and a photo of all of us together!). Still, it is good and safe and relaxing.
I have been posting daily pics of the trip to facebook and instagram and getting positive feedback from folks, which is nice. I also have been busy setting up a schedule to see everyone in NYC in just 4 days which is a bit crazy.
One thing that draws my attention is that my Ws best friend who lives in another country (and who I hardly ever speak to) is liking every one of my instagram photos, and now even Ws sister liked the most recent photo of me and my parents. Its just strange how interconnected our lives still are. I am trying not to wonder if she is seeing the pictures, but it is hard. (I know, I know, detach, detach, detach!)
All in all, things are well. A little calmer, a little more peaceful today. I did an hour of yoga and am about to head out for 20 miles on the bike.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
This morning I got up and went for an hour long walk, listening to a podcast, just to get moving. I kept getting flooded with beautiful memories of the two of us together. So much of the marriage was so good, and there was so much love - love like I have never otherwise experienced in my life. I started bawling as I was walking down the secluded path. It just hit me - how good I had it, what a beautiful thing it was that somehow got destroyed, and I feel like the finality of it being over is hitting me even harder now that I have left town.
Podcasts are awesome way to unwind, learn, and motivate yourself. I really got into them after BD and it's been really fantastic for my own personal growth and sanity. I am so glad to hear that you bawled your eyes out man. Shows that you didn't bottle up your feelings, but just let them out and allowed the body to respond accordingly. I know that whenever I have done that, it has been so cathartic and also helped me move on to the next stage in my healing journey. Continue to understand and approach your feelings with curiosity and let them have their time.
Quote:
I am getting worried more and more about the trip. All this time alone is hard to deal with. At home I had work, my commute on bike, my exercise, regular time with friends, a routine that was strange but comforting. Now, I just have acres and acres of time to think about things
Yes, having tons of time can allow your mind to wander and fixate. I did different things to just get my mind off those thoughts. Whenever I realized I was getting fixated, I would just listen to a podcast, go do something active, or just put on some stand up comedy on netflix. Anything to get your mind focused on something else. After a while you can then actively start reframing your thoughts towards other things because you've been able to distract yourself. It then comes naturally and you're able to let that thought pass much quickly.
Don't beat yourself up if it's a slow going on this. It does take time and as long as you're proactive about your thoughts and being mindful, it will get better over time. It honestly took me 10 months after BD to get to a place where I think less and less of her and the MR. That is also partly because I am excited about my future and my goals and wanting to grow more as a better person.
I don't know if I mentioned this to you, but on one podcast I heard something really awesome. At least it was for me because I hadn't thought about my life in that way. The speaker said to imagine you're at your funeral and someone is about to read your eulogy. What do you want to be remembered as? How will your kids remember you? your colleagues?
I wrote that down and that gives me a good goalpost to achieve. Gives me direction in my life and how I want to hold myself in this world. Also gave me the ability to have a long term vision rather than just being in the moment. I also realized that I had long term vision about all the trauma that I've experienced in the past and I could drudge that up any time to justify what I was doing. Why couldn't I do that for the future and imagine my future self and use that as justification for what I am doing in the present. It was a revelation in the sense that I realized I already had the skillset to do it, but I was applying it in the wrong direction. So, now I am correcting that.
Anyways, not sure if any of this helps, but just wanted to share how I am thinking and the tools that have been good for me.
Cherish the memories of this trip as well. Plan to look back at it in ten years and say that it was a defining moment for you because you focused on your growth as a person.
Davide- Embrace the trip (your journey). Embrace you friends and family (your support system), Embrace the experiences(time for reflection and re-evaluation), Embrace the new YOU ( the new mindset of seeing difficult times as an opportunity for STRENGTH and GROWTH). Safe travels - Be strong - Stay Well!!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Thanks LoneWlf and Maika, You guys have been pillars of support for me throughout this process.
I wonder if I should get on some meds for the anxiety. It really is not depression at this point, just anxiety. Generally it is a low level anxiety present throughout the day, but at times it just pops out and can become uncontrollable. My brother-in-law is a psychiatrist and I will be spending time with them in the coming days, so I will talk to him.
For me right now I think short-term goals and planning is the way to go. Thinking about the long-term is more anxiety provoking because I still havent fully detached and still have trouble moving into a future that doesnt include a R with the W. I have no kids either. I do see the value in what you are doing, and I would like to be able to get there at some point, but honestly I dont think i am ready for it yet.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Don't sweat it man! Take it at your pace and know which tools and thinking processes will help you. Short terms goals and planning is all good. Helps you build confidence once you achieve them. The long term will come when you get out of the acute pain over time.
Yeh, no harm in talking to a professional about anxiety and depression. They can help you at least understand it and give you good tools.
