Need advice on detaching

[Davide]

Someone just asked me the same thing about my sitch, about whether or not my wife was having an affair. I don't believe so. I trust her. But even if she were, so what? Personally I don't see the value of snooping. It seems like that is the type of behaviour I want to avoid if I am detaching. It just seems like a bad idea imo.

[LH19]

K,

Look man. I am going to shoot straight with you. Your W is in a full blown affair. Women only leave and give up seeing their children for one reason.

My question is if an affair is a deal breaker for you? Meaning if you confirmed you would file for D.

If it is I would spy to find out. If it is not a deal breaker do not snoop.

[AnotherStander]

Hello and welcome!

She blamed me for everything and said i abused her psychologically and emotionally, and that I had belittled her.

I'm sure there's some truth in there and things you need to work on, but WAS's are famous for "rewriting history". They will remember nothing good about the M, but have an uncanny ability to remember the smallest grievance with perfect clarity. Don't let it convince you that you are a bad person, it seems evident from your posts that you are the opposite. Kind, caring, putting your kids first. So you have to ask yourself, what is wrong with that? The bottom line is your sitch and most others here have way more to do with the WAS and whatever crisis they're going through than it does the LBS.

I became kind and loving, got her gifts, tried to be fun and lighthearted all the time. I avoided any fight or arguing. I started helping out much more in house duties and with the kids. I became a great father.

All great things, but not the sort of things that will attract her back. That's all beta behavior when you need to amp up your alpha game. You do that by getting out, GALing, working out, sprucing up your wardrobe, getting out there and flirting and just in general getting back in touch with the man you are inside.

She kept saying that she knew I changed but that it was too late.

We call this "script" because almost all of them say it. That's how she feels now, but in many months or a year or more she may very well change her mind. It happens a lot.

Since March, I decided to stop calling her (she didn't answer anyway). I haven't seen her now nor talked to her for more than 2 months.

Good, this is actually the healthiest thing you can do right now. Just pull back and give her time and space.

About a month ago, I left her a message telling her I didn't understand what happened to her and that she was in a life crisis.

OK, so what happened to "I haven't seen her now nor talked to her for more than 2 months"? You blew it by reaching out and saying that. Completely blew it. Give her TIME and SPACE. No more temperature checks, no more telling her what she's doing wrong, no more checking to see how she is. The ONLY contact you should have is to coordinate kid visits. REMOVE ALL PRESSURE.

Now, we almost don't communicate at all except a few text messages to tell her when I am traveling for work so she can take the kids.

Good, stick to that.

On her 40th birthday, the kids got her gifts but she didn't even care to see the kids. On the kids birthday last week (both are born the same day with 4 years apart), she called them but didn't try to see them. Today, on mother's day, the kids called her but she didn't answer.

I'm assuming this is not how she was before? Would you say she's undergone a "personality transplant", almost like an alien has taken over her body? If so then read up on MLC.

How about finances? Do I stop paying her bills? To be fair, she pays most of her expenses except her car lease and the car insurance. But that still represents close to $500 per month. She cannot afford that and would need to start taking money from her little safety net. She also uses the joint account to buy things for the kids the rare times they are with her.

I am afraid if I do that, it could seem as if I am trying to punish her and this could force her into divorce procedures because she will think that divorce will get her a financial protection.

But on the other hand, saving $500 per month will come a long way for me and the kids.

Any advice?

Yes, talk to a lawyer ASAP. I don't know how much you make versus her, but you could very well be required to pay her a lot more than 500/mo in the event of a D, and if that's the case you're better off continuing to pay that (assuming you're OK with things being in limbo). Or it's possible that if you have custody of the kids she may even be required to pay you something, and if so then yeah, you should stop paying her. But only a lawyer will be able to help you sort this out.

After you read DR look into "No More Mister Nice Guy". The book isn't what it sounds like, it's lessons on what a NG really is like and how to get rid of your passive/aggressive behavior.

[Jim1234]

Don't bother snooping to find out. It will not do anything for you, and if she catches you, there is no defense. She is. You might as well accept that. The next question is, are you going to divorce her over it?

Regarding paying the lease on her car, I'd stop. She wants the divorce, she needs to be prepared to accept the consequences of it. Of course that will bring consequences to you, too. She will lawyer up, and take you to court for support. In the end, it might cost you more than $500/mo, but that's going to happen anyway, you might as well start the ball rolling. Right now, she is on cloud nine, in love with OM, and all is right with the world. A cold, hard slap of reality might wake her up.

Good luck. Remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint. Be patient, and good luck.

[kiro]

Hi everyone,


For this post, I have a specific question about having no contact with my WAW. She left our home beginning of January. We had contact for the first couple of months, but since March, we have had almost no contact at all. I haven't seen her for close to 3 months. We never talk on the phone (the very few times I called her since to ask about a logistical matter, she didn't answer). We only exchange short texts from time to time about the kids. But even that is gone almost inexistant as we now communicate directly to the kids.

I obviously have not succeeded in detaching and letting her go completely or I wouldn't be asking my question. But I did succeed in maintaining the no contact for so long. My question is how long could this go on and is this beneficial to me and to my kids?

She obviously left and the last times we communicated back in February, she was leaning to permanent separation. She even once (I think it was in March) texted that she wanted a divorce. I ignored that message and she hasn't brought it up since. So is there really any point in me continuing to wait or should I just end it here and go file for divorce myself?

I obviously never wanted to end the marriage and would still prefer reconciliation.


Please stick to one thread until it gets to 100 posts
it is much easier to follow that way - Cadet

[Davide]

I am no expert Kiro but you clearly are not ready for a divorce, so I would not initiate anything. From everything I have read when you are ready for a divorce you will know.

What are you doing to work on yourself recently? How is your GALing? Are you working with an IC? What are your goals? Simply sitting around and waiting on your W is pointless. However, there are lots of things you can do for yourself in this time.

Best of luck.

[LH19]

K,

Its called the "illusion of action" you feel like you have to do something to get her back. When no contact didn't work you are now looking to do something else to get her back.

Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. Time and space and you making positive changes are the only thing that turn these things around.

You should be communicating about the kids.

As far as filing for divorce my guess is you are just looking for a reaction from her. Trust me you won't like to reaction given to you.

I am guessing she is having an A right now so you are really in a tough spot right now.

She moved out on Christmas. Wow Merry Christmas to you and the kids. You are very early into this and you must show infinite patience if you want to recon. Just as a comparison mine is almost 4 years and she is still living with me though we are divorced. She is moving out by the end of the month.

How is your GAL?

[kiro]

I don't think I am just looking for a reaction from her. I'm just wondering why extend the pain. I won't be able to move on 100% until I am fully detached and I don't see this happening without a divorce. My values won't allow me to consider a new relationship as long as I am married. A divorce would give me freedom to move on. That's why I'm asking this question. If the chances of reconciliation are close to nil, why wait?

Regarding communication about the kids, I tried to do that between January and March, but she would never answer my calls or my texts. She never wanted to sit and discuss any plan for the kids. So it's all a big mess. I have the kids almost full time, except when I am traveling for work. My kids are relatively old (17 & 13) and so they can directly plan with her. My perception is that she wants nothing to do with the kids at this time, but she doesn't tell me that.

Everything else is also in limbo, like finances, shared house, paperwork, etc. She does what suits her and has no regards for me in all of this.

About GAL, I try my best. I am very busy with work, the kids, the house, etc. I go out with friends sometimes. I go to the gym when I can. I take piano lessons. And so on. Nothing really out of the ordinary, but I try not to sit around and think about her or my situation although this also happens sometimes...

[kiro]

What I meant by shared house is that we both own the house, but she doesn't live with us anymore. She rented her own place

[Davide]

Kiro, it doesnt sound like you are ready to give up on hopes of reconciliation yet, it is still early for you. If you have any doubt at all I wouldnt press for divorce.

However, I would definitely separate financially to protect yourself. If your W has been out of the house since Dec. is she paying her own bills or are you paying for her to live elsewhere? Do you still have joint accounts? I would work to straighten that out right away at this point.