Need advice on detaching

[Davide]

Let it go. I have the same type of emails and messages from my wife, for the last year. It is a cheeseless tunnel. I will say, that I dont doubt that they meant it at the time, its just that feelings and opinions change (for better and for worse).

[kiro]

Davide,I couldn't agree more. Feelings change all the time. A funny example (not so funny maybe) is my 17-old son. When he's angry at me, he says "I hate you". I know it's not a good sign, but he always feels bad after that and backtracks. What I think he means is "I am angry at you right now".

My point is that the way we feel toward someone varies all the time depending on our mood and the situation. True love is much deeper than the perceived feeling of the moment. But love also requires a belief system and certain values. And, in my opinion, that's part of what goes wrong with WWs and MLCs in general. As long as we keep holding to our values (family values, humility, generosity, kindness, etc.), everything continues to be OK because we know that our feelings are temporary and will pass. So even if we get angry, we know that deep down we love that person even if we are feeling the exact opposite now.

What I noticed happening with my WW before she dropped the bomb is that her values started changing. She stopped being a practicing believer like she used to be all her life. She started being selfish, do less for her kids and more for herself. She started dressing differently, started frequenting different types of people, started to drink alcohol which she never did before, and so on. It's almost as if she started going astray long before the BD.

By the time she met that other person, she didn't have the same values anymore that could bring her back to her senses. She was totally controlled by her emotions. And that's when the rollercoaster started. And this is why you are absolutely right. She probably meant it when she wrote that note. And when she told me that she never loved me, she probably meant it too because she is going only by her present feelings.

Sorry for stating the obvious. I helps me to write it down

[arsh18]

True love is much deeper than the perceived feeling of the moment. But love also requires a belief system and certain values. And, in my opinion, that's part of what goes wrong with WWs and MLCs in general. As long as we keep holding to our values (family values, humility, generosity, kindness, etc.), everything continues to be OK because we know that our feelings are temporary and will pass. So even if we get angry, we know that deep down we love that person even if we are feeling the exact opposite now.

Kiro, aptly said . For those of us fighting to save the MR, our values are still as strong as ever. The WAS however seem to always be resentful of the LBS and says we are the selfish ones. In what world would that make sense?

[Davide]

Kiro,

I think you are right in terms of WAS being led by emotion and that explaining a lot of the volatility of thoughts and declarations.

I am more forgiving in my case. I think of my W as feeling like she was drowning in the relationship. My neediness and the weight of my expectations kept pulling her under. If you are drowning of course you are going to focus on yourself - your only thought is how to free yourself and get air. That is what the LTR is, a breath of fresh air, and hopefully i have the possibility of rebuilding her confidence that I wont drag her down again.

[kiro]

I need immediate advise from as many experience people as possible.

If you read my posts, you'll know that I have a WAW and that my BD was close to a year ago. My wife left 6 months ago. She distanced herself and started not answering any of my calls. We haven't had any contact for about 4 months except a short text every 2 or 3 weeks about kids.

I have also started to detach and I have been doing pretty well for the past few weeks. Tomorrow is my son's graduation party from high school. I texted her this morning that it is important for him that she attends and suggested that we sit together so we don't embarrass him. I told her we don't have to talk and that it didn't matter to me. I ended my text with "I hope you will do the right thing".

She just replied with a long text saying that she hates to cause me more pain, but she wants to take an appointment with a mediation center and that she realizes how much we were non compatible as a couple. (of course, a key here is that she may have a EA/PA. I don't know. Many people on this post believe she does based on her behavior)

How should I respond to that? I am tempted to just reply "Ok. no problem" Should I say that it doesn't cause me any pain? Should even go to mediation if I haven't seen a lawyer?

[kiro]

I couldn't wait for advice. I just replied that I was Ok with that, but that I hadn't made up my mind between mediator or lawyer. I don't think I really care anymore. Time to move on.

[LH19]

K,

If you can do mediation that is the best way to go it will save you a lot of money.

[Davide]

I think your response was fine. Dont fight her on any of it, let her do the work, but dont fight.

From what I understand, you can always go into mediation and if you dont agree with the process at any point you can walk away. I also believe it is much cheaper than getting Ls involved.

[kiro]

I am tempted to tell her 2 things:

1. If she wants me to cooperate, she needs to come clean whether she has a EA/PA

2. This is something I feel but don't know how and why I want to tell her. She wants me to cooperate and expects me to be kind and generous to her when she has been very bad to me over the past year. She should understand that it is my choice, but that she is not entitled to anything from me after what she has done.

[Davide]

I get those impulses Kiro, but think about what purposes they serve, and what result they will likely lead to. Are you still trying to DB?

If you say those things you are just going to raise her defenses and most likely make her hostile. Is that a result you are okay with at this point?

What do you get out of it? Do you think knowing about an EA/PA will give you closure, it will answer your remaining questions? Wont it just raise more questions?

Remember if you are cooperating and generous it is your choice to do so. You chose to do so because of who you are as a person, your values, and/or an attempt to save the MR. Of course she is not entitled to that, but you have to give it freely.

Hang in there. This must be incredibly tough, but I dont see the benefit in changing your approach now.