WAW, MLC, or Both? Or Maybe WW? Need Help With How

[hoosjim]

My ex-w used to read romance novels and I am fairly convinced she fell in love with the main characters, who I could not compete with.
SO in her head she was having an affair but their were no other signs externally that anyone would ever know about.

These are good points that both Cadet and Steve make. Your W, if she were having an A, wouldn't necessarily be careless or sloppy (my belief from experience and these boards is that most WWs are careless at least sometimes and typically at some point will "slip up" but that certainly doesn't always have to be the case.) She could also be having an "affair of the mind", as cadet suggests with his W and romance novels... in fact, this is exactly, i believe, how my W got started down the wayward path. In the later years just before she started an actual affair, she began to ravenously consume these books-- I'll be there are at least a couple hundred lying around in stacks here and there. At any rate, as Sandi2 and others will tell you, the problem with WWs is in where their head is at, not necessarily where their body is at. Their thinking and mindset has become wayward-- staying out all night, hanging with younger single and/or divorced friends, flirting (or worse) with other men. But, whatever, it's all about their mindset. Your W might not be actually "Seeing" anybody, at least not yet... but i will be you any amount of money she has felt that spark or that pull of the wayward lifestyle, either from someone complimenting her or for some light flirtatiousness or, yes, even from reading trashy romance novels. I was extremely lucky, i guess, in that my own W was particularly careless and i was simultaneously lucky enough to be looking in the right place at the right time, not even really expecting to find an affair (i was actually checking our phone records to check my younger son's usage as he has tourettes and requires some monitoring at times, and i discovered the hundreds of texts and calls between my W and OM who happened to be a friend of mine so his number stood out like a sore thumb.)

Point is, if she is not actively seeing anyone and, even if she is but is being careful, you might not find out about it, at least not right away. That is why the number one rule of DB-ing is that you take care of yourself. Get out, GAL, do the 180s, etc., for YOU. In the process of doing so you, hopefully, become the kind of man that "only a fool would want to leave." Exercise regimen is a great start. I am not typically one to proselytize, but are you a man of faith? If so, don't neglect that aspect of your self-improvement. If not, have you considered what a personal relationship with God could do for you during this very difficult time? It can be a great sanctuary and can markedly improve your state of mind. It also gives you someone to talk to whenever you want! (As well as serving as a good way to meet people and get involved with something, if you find the right church-- I actually found a non-denominational congregation that tended younger demographically and was very energetic and active.) I know that it helped me immensely, and that i very likely would not be where i am right now-- both a much improved version of myself and also in what now appears to be a reconciling marriage-- without my faith and the strength it gave me and all i learned in becoming more active and involved with it. And if that (faith) is not your cup of tea, even devoting time by yourself to personal meditation can be a big help, especially during the early and most tumultuous phases of these things.

Finally, while opinions differ, on the intel front I would advise you to keep your eyes peeled, though. I am a believer in DB-ing but i am also a believer that if an affair is discovered that the LBS should act immediately to drop a bomb of their own, lest a nascent affair become more serious with the passage of time. You don't need to follow her around and manically check up on her all the time, but the occasional spot check if you have cause can help you find out where you stand... or, as Steve and Cadet say, raise more questions. IT is a balancing act. You need to decide what you could stand to find out and still want your W back, and only you know how much "snooping" you could do and how often without it becoming an obsession. For some, it drastically impairs the GAL effort. For others, it can help them either a) move on and detach and/or b) take the strong steps necessary to impress upon their spouse how serious ly you regard the situation. I myself probably went a bit too far at times in that regard, but, at the same time, my last "spot check" of my W is what triggered the crisis that pushed us both over the edge and catalyzed what is now our reconcilliation process. So its hard to say. At any rate, be careful, know yourself, and do "you."

If you have no objections, I'll be praying for you.

[SteveLW]

hoosjim is spot on with this post, and as a DB warrior you should consider yourself lucky that you have hoosjim's attention. He studied under the tutelage of sandi and artista. His advice is invaluable.

Personally I struggled with obsessive snooping in my sitch. So I lean more towards the "do not snoop" end of the spectrum. But every sitch is different and no tactic is guaranteed to work from one sitch to another.

[hoosjim]

Oh, and FWIW my take on the birthday is that you don't go. Doing anything nice for her is going to be "pursuing" and if you go and cozy up to her parents she will resent you for it. Right now, she does not want anything to do with you. I don't know what path your sitch will follow but i was repeatedly told the following and my own experience bore it out: She will never find you more attractive than when you are walking away... or when you are out having fun or being the awesome new you without her and she doesn't know what or where exactly you are. Be happy, upbeat... but mysterious. The more she wonders about what YOU are up to, the better. This is a facet of the whole pursuit/distance dichotomy, about which i believe Cadet has created a sticky thread.

[sandi2]

Hi Bewas, there are some threads written for LBH's about WW's, if you care to read them. Here's the link to the first one.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

[Cadet]

Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.

[Bewas]

Thanks for linking these Sandi2, they are a truly solid source of information on WW. There is just so much information there to process. Especially the 6th thread of your reflections. I see so many similarities of my situation of being the "nice guy" and letting her resentment build toward me over the years. She has actually said as much during the initial BD phase. One definitive issue is the fact that I am a Stay at home dad (while working from home at the same time mind you) and I think there is for sure a loss of respect towards me because of that.

I'm currently looking for a job even though I could do it with my own business if I had to. I'm thinking just the optics of me going out there again into the workforce would go a long way to garner some of that respect back towards me from her. As soon as I do that, all of the other boundaries will be easier for me to implement if needed.

In my situation right now, she has agreed to stay in the house rather readily (other than the odd threatening to leave here and there), In your opinion, would once I am comfortable with really setting up my boundaries and I'm sure she is WW, would all of the sudden just straight up kicking her out be a great wake up call in my situation. She would NEVER see it coming from me as I've been the one holding on to this point.

My only issue right now is even though I'm leaning closer to the fact that my wife may actually be WW, I actually have no "real" proof of anything other than a "possible" gut feeling and some "possible" evidence to back it up. She may even possibly just be starting her Waywardness. I'm just really scared to start treating her like a WW if she is in fact not. One of the things stated was the sooner you stop their BS with standing up for yourself the better and quicker it could be solved, but only to do that if they are in fact a WW. That's the scary thing for me right now.

[Bewas]

Another question I have is, does my way of treating my WW differ because we are separated but living in the same house? I mean we are already separated so she can technically still do whatever she wants even though we are under the same roof. I'm not sure how I would go about enforcing boundaries & such in this situation.

[Bewas]

Thanks Hoosjim for all of your advice. And yes...please pray for me, I think I need some of that right now

[Bewas]

Another question...I know I have a lot.

Is it normal for the WW to be telling her clients or friends about us being separated? also changing her FB status to separated and removing my photos? I'm assuming it is but just wondering.

A weird thing was when she thought I told somebody, she got mad at me for some reason. Would it be because she wants to control who it gets out to? What is the logic behind that...if any. I suppose there is no logic in this.

Soooo many questions swimming through my mind.

Thanks!

[Davide]

Dont look for logic. As Vanilla says, they have scrambled eggs for brains.