Need advice on detaching

[kiro]

Davide, good point about finances. I am still paying for her car and her insurance which is about $500 a month. And we still have a joint account. She rarely uses it, only when the kids are with her to pay for some of their expenses. She pays for her rent and her own expenses. She returned the credit card that I was paying for.

Here are some things I am considering doing: Close the joint account, stop paying for her car and insurance, change the locks for the house.

Do you think these are good ideas or they could be seen as trying to get back at her which I am not. I just don't like her coming around the house when I am not home. I don't know what she does. And I can't really afford paying for her expenses in the long term. But I'm afraid that could trigger a D process which means alimony payments that could be even higher than what I'm paying now...

[Davide]

I would not do anything financially without talking with your W or at least telling her what you plan on doing. Unilateral and unexpected moves like that can cause a lot of bitterness and rancor.

[arsh18]

Hi Kiro, Just read up on your sitch. You seem to be handling things pretty well. It is is unbelievable how WASs talk, as if there is a text book somewhere of things to say and hurt LBS. My H has said all those things, controlling and subjugating him, does not believe in the institution of M, having kids was a mistake, the only thing is he still is sticking around taking care of the kids probably because he is too guilty and worried of being judged by friends. I cannot fathom how your W can be so callous towards her own children, that in itself should prove to you this is all about her issues and not your fault. I think it is okay to stop paying for her expenses, just communicate this to her like Davide suggests. How are your kids taking it? Do you think they would need some help coping with all this? It is a lot for them to handle and being teenage boys they might not be forthcoming about their emotions.

[kiro]

Arsh thank you for your reply. I was actually thinking about the same thing today. It can t be a coincidence that they all say the exact same things. Even my wife whose native language isn t English, manages to use the exact same words. Do they read this stuff somewhere? Is there an opposite version of DB books and forums that encourage people to leave their marriages and say these things? She often said that she felt liberated.

As you said, my kids are teenage boys. They don t talk much about their emotions. I know they re hurting especially the 17 year old, but they refuse to talk to me about it. They feel that talking about it to me would be a betrayal to their mother. I respect that. I may find them IC during the summer to help them cope.

I m sorry to hear about your situation. I hope you are handling it well.

[LoneWlf]

Kiro- Sorry that you are here but welcome to the board. I have one boy -S15 and he is taking it quite hard. What I find helps is to allow them to process things in their own time with the full knowledge that you have an open door communication and you will support their decisions with out question.
I feel it must be harder on them because these teenage years where they are finding their identity while exploring the possibility of friendships blossoming into relationships becomes so blurred because the one R that wast to be their rock and foundation is now shattered. Try to be mindful and supportive to them. Wishing you the best on your journey.

[kiro]

Thanks LoneWlf. It's hard to be a teenager even in normal circumstances. What's happening makes it even harder. But on the positive side, they are growing up and learning to take more responsibility. Since I can't do everything myself, they are stepping up and helping me much more. We definitely have a much better relationship (me and the kids) than we used to have before.

I feel sad that their mother is missing everything happening in their lives. My son is graduating from high-school in 2 weeks. I just went to buy him a costume for his prom party. And his graduation party is in 5 days. He doesn't even know if his mom will attend. No one knows where she has her mind right now.

[LoneWlf]

That's so tough- My son doesn't want his mom to attend his functions because he feel she just quit on the family.

[hongaku]

Do they read this stuff somewhere? Is there an opposite version of DB books and forums that encourage people to leave their marriages and say these things? She often said that she felt liberated.

You bet there are plenty of books out there that do just that, and probably associated forums. I saw my W was reading a book called Sacred Cows a few weeks ago, and when I looked up what it was all about, it was very much a leave your marriage to be free and happy kind of book. Not only that, but it encouraged to move forward as fast as possible with things once the decision to D was made. Plenty of other books that preach similar concepts.

I just ignore it and keep working on what I can control. Time is not your enemy with these sitches - which is why I imagine the book I mentioned above preaches do it fast and do it now. Fortunately, where I live, there has to be at least a year living separately before D can even be filed for. Patience is your friend. Use the time you have to do what you can do; no matter how it works out, at least you will know you did what you could.

[kiro]

Hongaku, totally agree with you. My wife has been reading many books that encourage such behaviors as well. She uses expressions such as "liberated", "moving forward", she criticizes me for "looking back instead of moving forward", repeats the common things such as "I don't love you anymore", "I need my space", "we had a bad co-dependent relationship", and so on... So many new ideas and expressions that she never used in the past. It is clear that she is influenced by her readings and some of her friends.

I wonder if my wife read that same book, but she is obviously moving very fast.

[kiro]

This morning I found by coincidence a note my wife had written me on Valentine's day in 2017, just 5 months before the BD. She tells me in the note how much she loves me and then writes

"I take you for granted sometimes that's all... but always remember that I love you so much"

I had forgotten about that note. I just found that to be funny and ironic especially when she says "always remember that" almost as if this was a preparation for what was to come

I don't really care anymore. I am accepting more and more that our marriage is over and I feel I am ready to live my life with or without her. Like Hearts Blessing site suggests, I still love her but in my mind only. My heart has gone numb.