1. If she wants me to cooperate, she needs to come clean whether she has a EA/PA
Right now she probably feels guilty about the A. If I were you I would use it to your advantage. I did and got the martial home, pay less in CS then I should and gave her less retirement then I should.
Your complete focus should be on getting your best deal for you and kids.
So am I getting 2 different opinions from Davide and LH?
By the way, I did text her my 2 points because I am naturally an impulsive person. But when I read Davide's post, I deleted the message. So she will see that I deleted a message, but I think that she didn't have time to read it.
I've been going numb toward her for the past few days even before her last message. She said in her message that we were incompatible, that she cared for me but didn't seen me as a partner anymore, and couldn't see herself going back to her old life anymore. I've been wondering the same thing lately. Could I go back to living with her, loving her, being intimate with her, and trusting her after what she did. I am not sure. I guess everything is possible if one puts enough effort but it would be awkward and difficult.
Davide was asking if I was still DBing. To honest, I don't know what DBing means. All I know is that she dropped the bomb last July, moved out in December, and we stopped communicating 4 months ago. I've been trying to deal with my emotions and get my life back in order for me and for my kids. I've been working on improving myself and taking care of me as much as I can. And I've avoided any confrontation since BD.
So, basically, I haven't taken any steps to end the relationship in the past 4 months, but have done nothing to restore it either (since everyone convinced me that I can't control her and I needed to stop pressuring and trying).
Is this DBing? It this is DBing, what is not DBing? In other words, if DBing means not trying to restore the marriage, what does not DBing mean? Trying to restore the marriage?!
I don't know anymore... Should I just follow Will Smith's quote (in HB's signature)?
Anyway, still wondering if I should send her my 2 comments
Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14 BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017 Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
DBing = focusing on YOU! GAL, 180s, detaching, and being the best kiro you can be.
She will either take note of your changes. Or she won't. If she takes note it may sway her back to you, it may not.
Not DBing is to say, forget it I give up, and going and filing for D and seeing it through to the end. Even that could end up being DBing if in the end it shakes her from her fantasy and brings her back to reality.
Some here even argue that the D process is an important part of DBing! And in some cases they may be right.
Success is that after it is all said and done that YOU are happy, healthy, and fulfilled.....regardless of what she decides.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
K - When my EW told me she was ready for D and wanted to meet and discuss I agreed to it. I said "Sounds good, let me know what day works best for you." I wasn't going to allow her to hang it over my head and have me run scared. What alternative did I have? We sat down in our living room and went through all of finances, kid stuff etc. My EW and I agreed on everything and hired a L to write up the D decree. We did not go to mediation and we did not use L's.
If my W wanted a D I was not going to stand in her way, dodge her questions and dodge the conversation. If I did those things, to me it would be showing weakness. Sometimes you just have to walk through the eye of the storm.
In the end I kept the marital home, we split all of our debts and assets 50/50, we have equal parental rights with the kids, and I am paying less than $1000/mth in support. The reason I am paying support is due to our income disparity.
I have a friend who is a judge tell me there is no reason to mediate on things you already agree on. That being said only you know what your comfortable with but I would definitely go the mediation route first before ponying up and getting L's. In the end it cost my EW and I about $1000 to get D'd.
If it was me....I would want to meet with her first to see if you could come to an agreement on certain things. If you can't agree on certain things then you could go to mediation on what you can't come to an agreement on. Let her know your schedule and find a time that works for you both to sit down and discuss. If you end up in mediation then do the same, find a time that works for the both of you to meet with the mediator.
Let her find the mediator and make all the arrangements. My EW did all the work, found a L, and sent me her details so I could agree. I just showed up at the appointment.
She hasn't answered any of my calls for the past 6 months. The last time we spoke on the phone was probably 2 or 3 months ago. The last time, we had a face to face conversation was more than 4 months ago. She only replies to my text messages when it suits her.
Note that we haven't had 1 argument or fight for more than a year and we were still intimate until November. And we were in good terms until she left end of December and even 1 or 2 months later. So there is no real justification for her not to answer my calls and my messages especially that they have been extremely rare (short text on average every other week, 2 or 3 calls the past 4 months), short and to the point in the last 4 months. It's usually in regards to a logistical matter that needs cooperation or planning from both of us.
By the way, I just sent her a long text telling her what I really think, something I haven't done since BD in July of last year.
My text had 5 points:
1. I agreed to mediation but when I will be ready and after getting my papers ready and consulting with my lawyer (I have access to a free legal consultation service).
2. I told her not to try to take advantage of me, financially (I earn 8 times more than she does). She made the decision to end the marriage alone and she should live up to her decision.
3. After the way she treated me, I told her she was not entitled to anything from me except what God has mandated (yes I believe very strongly).
4. I asked her to come clean about the affair if she wants my cooperation
5. I told her I expect her to have the decency to pick-up the phone and call me to discuss. It doesn't make sense that our first conversation since February be held with a mediation lawyer.
Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14 BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017 Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
Kiro bad move. From here on out use LRT. never initiate communication. If and wherein she does just validate. Read the validation thread. You've been texting and calling so she knows she still has power over you. Time to take that power away.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, maybe you're right. Let me ask you this: What do you intend on doing on 1/2/2019?
Maybe this is where I am already. My BD was exactly 5 months before yours. Back in the second half of 2017 when I was still pursuing her and trying to convince her to stay, I had decided to give her a year. I was never clear whether the year would start after BD, after I made the decision or after she left. So I thought I would figure it out with time, but knew it would be somewhere between July and December 2018. I'm about a month too early, but maybe I reached that point already.
When I started reading DB/DR and started implementing LRT around Feb this year, I had dropped this idea of having a fixed deadline, but it might be what God wants for me. I pray constantly and believe that He will do the best for me regardless.
Besides, I actually feel that I have actually just taken all her power away by sending her my message. To be clear, I have NOT initiated any contact for the past 4 months except maybe 5 or 6 text messages when I am traveling telling her to take the kids, and possibly 2 or 3 phone calls that she didn't answer about something important I needed her to know (e.g. her car insurance got cancelled and I have new papers for her). Other than, that I went totally dark.
My first message today asking her about our son's graduation party was maybe a bad idea for our MR, but it was the right thing to do for my S. My second message was maybe a bad idea for our MR, but I needed to take back control and let her know that she's not going to step all over me. Her message was showing pity for me thinking that I would be begging her to stay and crying tears of pain. That's all in the past for me. I've REALLY let her go and ready to move forward without her. But she needs to deal with me now with respect and responsibly if we will start this mediation process.
These are my thoughts now, but I could be all wrong.
Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14 BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017 Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
kiro my situation is different now. I haven't removed that on 1/2/2019, but we really are in full R now, and piecing. The reason that is on there is because I had a private counseling session with another anti-divorce writer (not MWD) that said I should put a one year limit on waiting on my W. She is very much a tough love advocate like sandi is.
Anyway, I am not telling you that you should file for D, that is always in your power to do. My advice always comes from a place of trying for full R.
I get the messages about logistics, those have to happen. But the second message was unnecessary. You want to take power back? Then TAKE it back. If you are finished with limbo, then by all means file for D, have her served. It will either wake her up or it won't. But only do that IF you are ready for D. If you have any thoughts of wanting to continue with LRT, remaining in limbo and trying to wait her out, then you are not ready.
If you ARE ready then just go file. No messages, just take the bull by the horns and ACT. Action. NOT WORDS.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, I am happy to hear that you are in R. It's always nice to hear some positive stories.
I hear you, but I don't know how else to handle my situation to be honest. She's telling me very straightforward that she wants to book an appointment with the mediator. Should I just say yes and go unprepared, let her take full advantage of me, and end up working until I'm 80 because she bankrupted me?
Up until now, here are the messages that I had communicated to her: - first week, begging and crying - first month, trying to convince her by logic... - then for another 4 to 6 months, fixed myself, 180 degrees, no relationship talks but a lot of pursuing with kindness, love, gifts, etc. The message was clear: "I love you and can't imagine living without you". And I apologized a lot about everything she was blaming me for. - then for the past 4 months, LRT, no contact
In her mind, she still views me as weak, dependent on her, can't live without her, miserable, etc. And she still believes that I am to blame for everything. And she doesn't see that she did anything wrong, is not taking any responsibility for the failure of our marriage, for her EA (maybe a PA), for her kids, and so on.
And so, I'll get ready legally to make sure I protect myself and my kids before going to a mediator. And I want to put my own terms to this mediation process. I'm extremely busy with work and the kids.
And this is why I sent the 2nd message, to let her know for the first time that I am not dependent on her, I am not afraid of D, she will not step all over me and think that I will just give her whatever she wants, and that if she wants a peaceful process like she claims, she'd better start by coming clean and starting to communicate with me. Among other things, she's been hiding many of her finances from me, and even taken some money that belonged to me behind my back. If I don't set the rules straight, we will end up fighting at the mediator, which I don't want.
And what do I have to lose anyway? I already lost her a year ago.
Now, do I really want a D and would I initiate it if she hadn't asked for it? Maybe not yet. In my mind, I still think that a reconciliation would be the best thing for all of us. How long would I wait? I have no clue. Until I get tired and I'm ready to go into a new relationship. For the time being, I feel it's better for me to wait at least 1 or 2 years after separation before considering a new R.
But I can't say that I know exactly what I want. The good thing is that these thoughts are now emanating mostly from my brain. My heart is numb. I don't feel that emotional about it anymore. That could of course change in a day
Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14 BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017 Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
Hi Kiro, from what I understand about mediation, it is just a simpler cheaper way to finalize D. I am going through it myself, although I absolutely do not want the D. It could be a way for you to understand what your S really needs and to put forth your requirements. If you do not agree you can always walk away at any point in time. It is not easy, believe me, I completely broke down at my appointment, but the mediator did advice we got to MC that finally turned out to be IC for me. I am putting in effort while WAH is not. You can absolutely consult your own L beforehand to know where you stand legally and then go to the mediation. At the end of the day if mediation can get you better results than fighting in court then why not? Worst case, mediation will fall through and you just bought yourself more time. Emotionally it is a hard process but what of our sitches is easy anyway? Stop the pursuit, be strong and play it as it goes. You seem to have GALd and detached pretty well so why give in now?
