Since D19 is home from school W has been sleeping on the couch. Well, I guess I should have realized that wouldn't take long to get old.
D15 has a large room with twin beds and this is where she slept at Christmas when D18 came home. Not sure and I'm not asking.
So, going through the morning rituals and in passing, W looks "down". I ask what is wrong, expecting it to be me, and she says that she doesn't have a place here. Not in a time for me to go run off way, but a whoa is me, way. I replied "Sorry you feel that way." and kept moving.
She continued to mope around until she left for work. This is the first time I have seen W look sad in quite a while. She has been full of confidence and seemingly in charge for several months.
Could this be the start of a sense of Loss?
Are the Ds maybe starting to be assertive that she needs to give the MR a chance? It sounds like D15 maybe told her she shouldn't be in her room? That is the kind of thing that can make a WAW/WW stop and take notice. That maybe it isn't going to be all doves delivering blankets and bluebirds whistling happy songs. Her Cinderella dream of D15 and D19 being supportive and all smiles starts to shatter it can shatter the entire delusion.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, you mean like the W communicated her intentions to the Ds? lol, fat chance.
They know somethings up because of the sleeping arrangements, but they, for the most part, stay out of it. No honest discussion has been had, that I am aware of. In typical fashion, they are probably taking advantage of their freedoms and she is feeling frustrated with that. She would never express this dissatisfaction until an emotional outburst. D19 started taking our extra car and I noticed curb rash on a new tire. I took a pic and sent to W. No commentary, just a pic. She shared her concern to me about it. D19s boxes are still in the foyer since Saturday after returning from college. I haven't said a word about it. (atypical for me)
Doodle, not sure where that came from but anything's possible.
Perhaps the fact that I am not trying to control Ds has made her realize being a single parent is not all lollipops and rainbows.
As for myself, I am mute in my sardonic amusement.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Doodle, not sure where that came from but anything's possible.
RR17,
That was my poor attempt at a mixture of potty humor, metaphor and irony. In other words, it's probably not the start of a sense of loss for her because she's so full of sh*t that she can't see beyond her own cesspool of desires. Or something like that.
So, going through the morning rituals and in passing, W looks "down". I ask what is wrong, expecting it to be me, and she says that she doesn't have a place here. Not in a time for me to go run off way, but a whoa is me, way. I replied "Sorry you feel that way." and kept moving.
She continued to mope around until she left for work. This is the first time I have seen W look sad in quite a while. She has been full of confidence and seemingly in charge for several months.
Could this be the start of a sense of Loss?
Well first of all, that was a great response. I'm so glad you didn't make the common mistake of trying to turn it into an R discussion. But next time don't ask what is "wrong" because that often puts a WAS on the defensive, instead say something like "you seem down today, is everything OK?" Try to open a dialog to get her to talk about her feelings.
Hard to tell what it means, she could be starting to have some regrets (it's been long enough for her to start asking herself if she's not perhaps making a mistake). But if that's what is happening she still has a long road to go so just keep doing what you're doing.
Anotherstander, thanks, I'm a little proud of how I handled. Not to mention the fact that I didn't take ownership of her mood. I like your suggestion. I will have to prepare for hearing about the feelings. I'm good at short interactions. I have to armor up for hearing how I am to blame etc. I do want her to learn and feel safe opening up.
Personally, I am reading about emotionally distancing myself from challenges.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
All is continuing status quo. W continues to treat me with consideration and respect. No affection or intimacy, but the rest is the makings of a happy M/R.
I continue to not care much. I have other things to focus on. I will say that I find myself daydreaming of what a future without W would look like. I kind of like what I see. I know it is fantasy. Just sharing.
Here is a question. Is it possible that W is trying to see if making the changes that I have expressed were issues in the past? To see where it goes.
At the same time, withholding the parts that she feels will demonstrate that she is happy or satisfied within the R. Make sense?
I know that the above scenario is not a proper recon. I am wondering if in a female type of way W thinks she is somehow working on the R without admitting to working on the R.
Thanks
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
"Here is a question. Is it possible that W is trying to see if making the changes that I have expressed were issues in the past? To see where it goes.
At the same time, withholding the parts that she feels will demonstrate that she is happy or satisfied within the R. Make sense? "
1st question: Yes it is possible, but I doubt it. Because: 2nd question: More than likely she is trying to nice you and wait you out until " I will say that I find myself daydreaming of what a future without W would look like. I kind of like what I see. I know it is fantasy." becomes what you want and you do the work to D.
WAWs/WWs try to alleviate their own conscience in lots of ways. One way is to have the LBH do the D work. "I was unhappy so he D'd me!"
My advice is to stay the course. Keep GAL, detaching lovingly and 180ing. She is showing signs of softening but you can't trust it yet. Limbo is the gift of time. Use that time to be the spouse only a fool would leave!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
1st question: Yes it is possible, but I doubt it. Because: 2nd question: More than likely she is trying to nice you and wait you out until " I will say that I find myself daydreaming of what a future without W would look like. I kind of like what I see. I know it is fantasy." becomes what you want and you do the work to D.
In my experience, they are more likely to Miserable you into doing the D work. So she wants to Nice me into imaging a future without her? Hmm? Get me to move forward by showing me what I have been missing in this relationship? Am I understanding this correctly?
And I get the conscience part.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
1st question: Yes it is possible, but I doubt it. Because: 2nd question: More than likely she is trying to nice you and wait you out until " I will say that I find myself daydreaming of what a future without W would look like. I kind of like what I see. I know it is fantasy." becomes what you want and you do the work to D.
In my experience, they are more likely to Miserable you into doing the D work. So she wants to Nice me into imaging a future without her? Hmm? Get me to move forward by showing me what I have been missing in this relationship? Am I understanding this correctly?
And I get the conscience part.
Possibly. Not being nice didn't get you to move. So if she is nice, but withholds intimacy and sex, maybe you'll get tired of the new normal and chase your daydream. Then her conscience is alleviated. "He left me!"
Anyway, we are mindreading. Just stay the course. Her being nice is better than her being not nice. It could be the start of her turning back to the MR, it is simply to early to tell.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
