mtb, your MLC is dangerous thinking. I know because if you read my threads you'll see I was there too. I had one of the veterans here point out to me that you better hope it isn't a MLC. MLCs are not necessarily temporary. At least not for a long time. MLCs aren't like waywardness, where reality can snap them out of it. MLCs can become the new norm. Waywardness is often times mistaken for a MLC because many of the symptoms are the same. But MLC resolution can take years, where waywardness is usually broken by reality.
Now the temptation here is to say your WW has had a lot of reality so it must be a MLC. Not necessarily. She has had at least two enablers, the uncle and OM, that have kept her from her reality. Also, early on you too were enabling her hoping to nice her back.
The trigger pull is up to you, mtb. However you need to be careful to think that her manipulation is things improving. The way you know that a wayward is over it is by consistently non-wayward behavior over a long period of time. Her silence is scary because she has shown that she is capable of massive slanderous lies. Do not take her silence as a good sign either. Likely she is telling everyone she encounters what she told the few people that told you. Also, she has shown the ability to use many and various tactics to manipulate you. Silence may just be another tactic.
So the question is, are you ready to move on? Or do you want to keep trying to wait her out? Has anything she's done made it so that you don't even want her to come back or are you able to completely forgive her of everything?
Yes there is a lot to think about. No there is nothing saying you have to pull the trigger now.
So give it some more time. See if things continue to moderate. I'd also ask her about the slander next time she reaches out. She should know that her lies have made it back to you. See how he reacts to you confronting that head on.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
That's what's scary, Steve. I'm not wishing for a MLC, I'm just afraid that's what it might be because I can see this going on for a LONG time or even forever for that matter...
And I've thought about the forgiveness aspect of this whole sitch long and hard. And if she truly showed remorse, accepted accountability, and went through the necessary steps of getting professional help, I know I can forgive her and work towards R. In a way, I feel like I already have. I know that a lot of what she is going through is due to unsesolved childhood issues. Whether or not she makes the positive changes she needs to, I forgive her for what she has done. I have to forgive her, because if I don't it's just negativity that I'm going to have to carry around for the rest of my life. And I truly do love her. Damn near unconditionally. I'm not sure there is anything she could ever do that would make me stop loving her. Don't get me wrong, there are many things she could do that would make me never want to be in a R with her again. But those are two separate things IMO...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
And I've thought about the forgiveness aspect of this whole sitch long and hard. And if she truly showed remorse, accepted accountability, and went through the necessary steps of getting professional help, I know I can forgive her and work towards R. In a way, I feel like I already have. I know that a lot of what she is going through is due to unsesolved childhood issues. Whether or not she makes the positive changes she needs to, I forgive her for what she has done. I have to forgive her, because if I don't it's just negativity that I'm going to have to carry around for the rest of my life. And I truly do love her. Damn near unconditionally. I'm not sure there is anything she could ever do that would make me stop loving her. Don't get me wrong, there are many things she could do that would make me never want to be in a R with her again. But those are two separate things IMO...
MTB, you just put my thoughts into words. This is beautifully written, and i agree with it, not only for your sitch but mine as well. I just dont think my wife is WW, WAW or MLC. I think its deeper than that for her.
Take the weekend, chill, get outside and really clear your head. Meditate.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
One step ahead of you, Orange. Sitting at a buddys house chilling by the pool with the kids right now. Tomorrow we are celebrating my grandmas 100th birthday at the lake lot. And Sunday we are having breakfast with my parents for fathers day and then heading to another friends house for a pool party and cookout. 4 wheelers for the kids to ride, horses, etc... we are all gonna be beat by the time Monday rolls around. Hahaha....
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
This woman is like Beetlejuice. I was just talking to a friend about her and we said her name 3 times. Sure enough, she sent a text. Do you have plans with the kids tonight? I sent back we are at friends house watching his son. His grandma is not doing well and he needed to go to the hospital. This is all true. We were all just hanging out and he got a call that he needed to leave and asked if I could stick around and watch his son. Have not heard back from her yet
Last edited by Cadet; 06/15/1802:43 PM. Reason: restored post
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
You Do not have to forgive to let go of resentment. My thoughts are quite straightforward, forgiveness isn't my job. It is between the wayward G and his higher spirit. It's not between me and him. I deal with my stuff and he deals with his.
Some things are unforgivable, truly unforgivable. And to forgive may cause stress to you. Thinking you have to forgive when you struggle with it is going to cause great stress to you.
When you reach the land of Nah and Meh then it doesn't matter. It's the screw you philosophy and go to hell because I don't care.
Cheating lying, scheming and messing with your head is unforgivable. So don't force it. If it's your nature and can do so if it helps you then yes of course.
For those of us who have been abused and betrayed, who have anger, lovely white clean anger, there is no need. I think to let go of bitterness and bile is great and so necessary.
There may be a time of forgiveness for the pathetic. In the meanwhile if you don't want to forgive don't.
I don't hate the G, I just don't forgive him.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I like your perspective, V... maybe I am confusing forgiveness with letters not to of resentment. I do not really know. But I do believe that I have forgiven her. I have no resentment at least. I never really struggled with it, but I did think long and hard about it. It was not forced, but it was given a lot of consideration. Like I said earlier, I may be confusing forgiveness with letting go of resentment, but the more I think about it, they might be the same thing in my mind...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
Full context of text interaction with W yesterday...
WW:Just got my phone on. What are the kids plans tonight?
Me:We're at (friend's) house watching (son). His grandma isnt doing well and he had to go to the hospital.
WW: I'm sorry to hear that. So you probably want them to hang out there with (son)? Plans tomorrow and Sunday?
Me: If you want to take them tonight you can. Tomorrow is grandma's 100th birthday party and Sunday is Father's Day.
WW:What time is grandma's thing tomorrow? I was wanting to take them to moms one night. Obviously tonight it's too late to go there. I was gonna stop by and see them. I wanted them also for a few hours so they could do your Father's day gift.
Me: We will be at the party tomorrow from 1 to at least 5
That was the end of the convo. I feel that I handled it well. This is the first time in a long while she hasn't been hounding me for money or something. Not sure what to think about it. Really not gonna put much thought into it either...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
