Need advice on detaching

[kiro]

So how do you think I should handle it from here?

I didn't view my actions as giving up, but this is what it looks to you Arsh and Steve.

By the way, a few of you may remember that you were positive that my wife had an affair after my first posts describing her behavior (on the first pages of this post). Other than her telling me a couple of weeks after BD that she had feelings for another man but that nothing had happened and then promising that she had cut all contact with him, I have no proof of any EA or PA.

Now, what it's interesting, although still speculative, is that in my message yesterday morning, one of my demands for me to cooperate in mediation, was for her to come clean about the affair. I wrote that without being any more specific because I have no proof. Interestingly, she has not responded since then. Normally, if I wrote anything blaming or accusing her, she would get angry and lash back. This time, she hasn't denied the affair and it has been almost 24 hours. Just another clue suggesting an EA/PA.

[Davide]

From what I understand you will not get ripped off in mediation. If there is not an agreement you like you can always just walk away. It is cheaper and less rancorous. The only negative is that it can be much faster but it does not sound like you are trying to stall for more time at this point.

[kiro]

Yesterday was my son's graduation party. I went with him and everything went well. My wife had passed by the house and taken her ticket from my son the previous night.

(check my previous posts if you want to read about the texting exchanges that happened between my wife and I earlier this week. I a nutshell, we haven't had any contact for 4 months. I sent her a text this week telling her that her son needs her to attend his graduation. She texted back that she wants us to go to mediation, that she realized that we were incompatible as a couple, and that she still cares for me but not as a partner.
I lashed back a few texts stating that I would check with my lawyer first, but that she needed to come clean about her affair (I have no proof of it) if she wants me to cooperate, and that she shouldn't expect much from me given what she has done over the past year and even the years before. No response back from her.)

Anyway, so back to yesterday. After the graduation, she showed up outside while I was standing with my son. First time I see her in 4 months. She looked good, taking good care of herself. We just said hi. We took a few pictures with our son. Then, I immediately said by and we left.

But it felt awkward. I thought I was emotionally done, and that I would be able to handle this much better. But I felt nervous, sad, and uncomfortable. After the fact, I thought about it a lot, and felt relatively depressed. I'm much better this morning.

But I am confused. I realize that I still have feelings for her, and that I also still have resentment and anger toward what she did. In a way, I feel that I am still in denial a little.

[Davide]

It is completely normal to be a little freaked out and emotional after seeing your wife for the first time in 4 months. Have patience and compassion for yourself. It would be much stranger if you had no reaction to it. Accept those feelings and move on, realizing that emotions are transitory.

It sounds like you handled the graduation ceremony well. Congrats on that.

[kiro]

Thanks Davide. Always nice to hear reassuring words

[SteveLW]

kiro hang in there. It is tough, and you have a lifetime of coevents. Graudations. Marriages. Births. Birthday parties. etc. It will get easier. But you need to make sure that you have GAL, 180s, detached and become the best kiro that you can be. Then it won't matter what she says, does, texts, etc.

Hang in there.

[kiro]

I woke up today with a different perspective on all of this. I realized that I was still living in denial and that I haven't let go at all. I still had very big expectations and am still totally relying and dependent on her being around me. I feel very sad and depressed.
In addition, I realized that I was fooling myself saying that I had a life without her. I don't. I need to GAL. I have no single friends. All my life revolved and still revolves around the family (her and the kids), my work (to support the family), family activities, and family friends (married couples with kids). In the past few years, she managed to upgrade herself and GAL away from the family. I haven't and I don't know how. I've been in this mode for too long.
I am also fooling myself about the 180. I am still behaving the same way I always was. I did change a little after the BD, but slowly reverted back to my previous self.

And so, I am going to have to go through the pain again and figure all this out. I guess I had avoided many of my real issues and have been avoiding reality and hiding in the hope that she would come back and that everything would return like before. It's a tough realization, but my only way out of this pain.

[kiro]

I've been writing and saying that this time is got to be about me and not her, but I only now really understood the meaning of that.

In retrospect, Divorce, mediation, affair, ... all this becomes very insignificant. I have been spending way too much time and energy thinking about her, about what would happen if we D, and what would happen of her. I was wrong.

I really hope that I can keep this new perspective and succeed in moving forward and fixing my issues.

[kiro]

Hi everyone,

So I am becoming a real mess. I need serious help. Everyone thinks I am doing Ok. Apparently, this is what I portray to people around me. Even when I went to IC the first time, the counselor told me I was handling my situation much better than most people. But that was 6 months ago. And I am Not handling it well. I am in tremendous pain and I am totally confused and clueless what to do and how to proceed.

Steve, Davide and others have been very great help for me on this post. I wish Sandi would also read my post and help out.

My biggest question is whether my wife is WW, MLC or just permanent life change.

I guess the reason people think I am handling this well is because I can predict what the answer would be. I was always a good student at school because I always predicted the satisfactory answer that the teacher was looking for. But that didn't mean that I truly understood the topic we were studying.

I predict that the answer would be something like: Why would it matter if your wife is in WW, MLC or permanent life change? You should focus on yourself and detach. Your behavior should be the same in all these instances and let time run its course...

...

But it does matter to me. Again, this probably mean that I have not detached. I know... but I don't know how to do it. Should I start taking AD medication?

My wife has been consistent for the past 5 months, and has actually been heading toward total detachment from me. She started the no-contact well before I decided to do the same. She left in December. She stopped answering my calls and texts almost at the same time. She stopped using my money although she earns very little, except for her car that I had agreed to continue paying for some time. She told everyone that we are separated. She is working hard to improve her career. She is studying for a Masters. She has taken other management courses to get promoted. She rented her own place. She eats well, goes to the gym, and takes care of her health. She has developed her social life. She has become more active in general in the community. And so on. So she is not showing signs of someone who is totally irresponsible. She seems to be pull it off relatively well.

On the other side, maybe where I saw some signs of rebellion and Waywardness/MLC is that she has become very selfish and arrogant. She left her kids behind and doesn't seem to care at all about what and how they are doing. She used to be religious, but she became the opposite of that now. She never drank alcohol. She does now. And most importantly, I suspect very strongly (although without any proof) that she is in an A (either PA or EA).

So with all of the above, she is now very calmly (through text messages) now telling me that she wants to move on and end the marriage. She says that she still cares for me but not as a partner and that we should work things out together in a peaceful way and that we should do what's best for the kids. She has also constantly been communicating to me over the past year that she has changed and that she is not the same person anymore. She says that this is not a life crisis although she did show a lot of signs of confusion between July and December. She was obviously fighting conflicts within her. But now that we are physically separated, she seems to be confirming what she wants, which is to get out of the M and start her own new life with OM maybe, but according to what she had told me previously, she seemed ready to take her path even if she was alone.

She has always been a heard-headed person and a fighter. When she wants something, she usually doesn't look back and takes it to the end. And she will stand pain until she reaches her goal.


... So what do I do with all that?

End the marriage? Continue to stand?

How do I answer her requests to go to mediation? Do I just accept and start splitting the assets and pay her financial support as will probably be the case?

Or do I refuse mediation and ignore her? Or should I go to mediation and try to negotiate the best deal for me even if I manipulate her by making her feel guilty about what she has done to me?

Do I continue the no-contact I have also established for the past 4 months? Or do I start communicating in a friendly and detached way?

Do I work on becoming just friends with her and accept that she has changed? Do I accept that she is in love with OM or at least that she is a different person who doesn't want me? Do I forget that I am married to this woman?

Do I forgive her and start planning for my future without her? Should I start dating or at least looking for a new R?

I need help... I have an appointment with a DB coach on Wednesday. But I need as much help as I can. I am lost and desperate...

[Davide]

Kiro,

Hang in there. Just because you have been doing this for 6 months doesnt make it any easier. I see folks who have been doing this for years, who I thought were as detached as possible, who still have rough days where the bitter reality of the situation hits them. All of this is to say that you are not alone, and that your response is perfectly normal.

I feel a certain kindredness with you, because I too am outwardly handling the situation very well, but struggle at times internally. Make sure that you are letting your emotions out. Not all the time, not to everyone, but find appropriate times and places to let them out, to feel them. Are you talking with an IC? I would first talk to a therapist and then bring up medication to them. It can be really helpful in the right situations, but I am no doctor and cant tell you if it is right for you.

I also struggle with the idea that my W has made a permanent life change that no longer includes me. Both of our W dont seem to exhibit a lot of the craziness, anger, hostility that marks some of the relationships here. My W is also extremely stubborn, and that gives me little hope for R.

I dont think you are ever going to get a definitive answer as to whether or not she is WW/WAW/MLC - although I would tend towards the middle one. It seems like you are asking the question in an effort to understand whether this is a phase of her life or permanent. I dont think anyone, even she, can answer that at this point (of course if you asked, she would tell you its permanant, but believe 0% of what they say!)

I understand that mediation feels like another step closer to D to you, and that is scary. I would probably be freaking out about it as well. But it is also an opportunity to sit down with your W and show her the man you have become in the meantime, to carry out the DB principles in person. Also, it is never binding unless you agree to it at the end. If you feel like you are being railroaded or treated unfairly you can walk away and speak with a L and handle it that way. No matter what D is a painful and costly process, but imho, once you involve Ls it will just get more painful and way more costly.

If you refuse mediation what will happen? Do you think your W wont pursue the D through other means? Will it buy you more time? Will she respect you more for standing up to her? What is the upside?

From what you said in your previous posts it sounds like you are still struggling to make the changes you want to yourself. Your 180s have not held and that you havent really established a life outside of her. I still think that needs to be your primary focus right now. If you dont make changes, how can you change the dynamic of the relationship or remind your W of the person she fell in love with in the first place? Pursuing her now, while you are still stuck in the same rut seems like a recipe for disaster. Similarly, looking to date other people seems like a bad idea. Are you really in a place where you are ready to do that emotionally?

Hang in there. Talk to the DB counselor (I will be interested to hear what they say, as I have never spoken to one). Work on yourself. Be friendly but detached with the W - fake it until you make it.