Need advice on detaching

[kiro]

After my previous desperate message, here is what I am thinking now.

I think it's the accepting that I am having a hard time with. I need to accept in order to let go. Here is some of what I need to accept:

1. That my wife doesn't want me anymore and that the marriage is ove.
2. That my marriage was not what I thought it was. I had been blind for a long time.
3. That I cannot control anything or anyone but myself.
4. That my happiness only depends on me. This is the key to real detachment.
5. That I have free choice and that I have decisions to make.
6. That my way out of this will not start until I let her go. If this means divorce, then be it.
7. That life does not end after my marriage. I can go on in life either single or in a new relationship.
8. That if I decide to enter into a new relationship, I will find another woman who can love me for who I am.

So basically, the only real decision that I have to make in relation to wife is when to start mediation. The fact that she asked for it doesn't mean I have to say yes or that I even have to answer. Mediation is probably the best way for everyone, but I need to choose the right time for me. I am not going to worry about what she needs. My one and only concern should be me and my kids. And I decide that I need to be strong and detached before going into mediation. I am not there yet. So I will delay mediation and work very hard on myself for the next few months. I will need to stay focused and work hard toward 3 main goals:

1. Total detachment
2. GAL
3. Becoming the best person that I can be

I will give myself 4 months to complete these goals. Anyway, where I live, we cannot file for divorce until 12 months living apart. So, she cannot file for divorce before January 2019. So, my plan means that I will start mediation in November.

I will add these goals in my signature to keep them as reminders.

[kiro]

Thanks Davide for your wise words.

You are right about mediation. I also believe it's the right thing, better than Ls. But as you say (and as I just posted a minute ago), I don't think I am ready to sit with my wife yet. So, that's going to be my first focus in the next few months.

I have had many sessions with ICs, MCs, and DBCs over the past 12 months. It has been helpful, but the effect is usually short-lived. It helps answer a few questions at the moment, but doesn't give long term solutions. I guess regardless of counselors or not, everyone's got to do the work and go through the process. And it takes time and a lot of pain.

Finally, you are right about my question regarding WW/WAS/MLC. What I am trying to figure out is whether it is a short lived rebellion (WW), long-term one (MLC) or a permanent one. I know no one will be able to answer. Me asking it is probably part of my desperation still and the proof that I have not let go. The day I will stop asking these questions, I will know that I have succeeded

[Davide]

Hey! I sent you a message that got buried on the last page.

This is all good stuff from you.

I would work on refining the goals so that they are more action oriented and easily measured.

What specifically will you do to GAL? Join a bowling league? Call friends to hang out twice a week? Go to the gym a certain number of days? Join a meetup group?

Same thing with improving yourself. What are the specific steps? For me it is weekly conversations with IC, doing CBT emotional reflections journaling, reading at least a chapter a day of one of the self-help or relationship books (there is a great list on this site, I think in the MLC forum.)

[kiro]

Great feedback Davide. By the way, I feel bad that I have been seeking advice and not reciprocating toward your situation. I really hope you the best.

My first step is now to set general high-level goals for the next 4 to 6 months to know where I am headed. Otherwise, I will continue struggling and never detaching. And I would get lost every time she asks me for mediation. At least, I have a sense of direction. The next step is as you say to become more specific and define actionable and measurable goals. We're starting to sound like MBA students

[kiro]

I would work on refining the goals so that they are more action oriented and easily measured.

What specifically will you do to GAL? Join a bowling league? Call friends to hang out twice a week? Go to the gym a certain number of days? Join a meetup group?

Same thing with improving yourself. What are the specific steps? For me it is weekly conversations with IC, doing CBT emotional reflections journaling, reading at least a chapter a day of one of the self-help or relationship books (there is a great list on this site, I think in the MLC forum.)

Here are some specific things I need to do for my second goal to GAL:
1. I need a new social life. I don't have one now. The only people I know are not the right people for me now for many reasons. So I need to expand my social network. I will do that by registering to activities where I can meet new people. I still need to figure out what and how.

2. I need to do the things that I used to enjoy and I need to take this seriously, meaning that I will put myself first. This will include personal travel time, going places I always wanted to visit, developing past hobbies, doing things I always wanted to do.

3. I need to become more active in life, going out and contributing to the community through volunteer work for example.

4. I need to take more risks. I will start new thrilling activities.

These are just examples

[kiro]

I'm going through Sandie's 37 rules once more, and realizing how many mistakes I have made over the past year. Here are some of my mistakes:

* Rule 1: For the first 7 months after DB, I followed Mort Fertel's marriage coaching program, and I pursued and pursued.

* Rule 2: Again followed Mort Fertel, and called every single day for 6 or 7 months. Left voicemails when she didn't answer (which is most of the time).

* Rule 3: I pointed to good points in marriage a few times. Most of the time, I avoided this, but I slipped a few times.

* Rule 5: Same as previous, I avoided most of the time to talk about the future, but I did at least 4 or 5 times over the first 7 months.

* Rule 6: I completely screwed that one up. I contacted many members of her family and tried to get them to help.

* Rule 8: Also completely screwed that one: I followed Mort Fertel again and got her tons of gifts over the first 7 months.

* Rule 9: Same thing: Mort Fertel advice and scheduled as many date nights as I could over the first 7 months.

* Rule 11: Tried to avoid saying ILY but I'm sure I still said it a few times for the first 7 months. I even said it again on our last conversation before I decided to start the no-contact back in February.

* Rule 15: I was not scarce with my words. I would talk on and on and on...

* Rule 16: I tried not to ask about her whereabouts, but I couldn't keep this for a long time when she kept giving me mixed messages. I would hold off for a couple of weeks and then lash out and ask her what's going on and why she was distant and out all the time.

* Rule 20: I tried but didn't always succeed to put on hold questions about marriage.
* Rule 23: Argued a few times about her new life choices.
* Rule 24: Wasn't patient enough. I followed Mort Fortel who advised never to give time and space.

... And son on... I am writing this to say I feel responsible for losing her. This is maybe more for newcomers, so that they learn to trust these rules. They're good rules.

[kiro]

I meant to say that I am NOT writing this to say I feel responsible for losing her. I had already lost her way before that, and I won't even try to understand why...

[EricC]

Hi Kiro,

If you go to mediation, make sure you protect your boys interests first, and your own second. Do not back out of important stuff because you think you may get her approval.

Consult a lawyer (others have said this too).

Stop paying her bills. She wants freedom, respect that. Respecting her freedom does not mean paying her bills though.

You do not have to provide her explanations for your actions (except if related to your kids). If you stop paying her lease, and she asks why. Don't tell her that it is because she left. In general, do not bring up the fact she left in any context. That fact should not be a reason for you to do anything.

Do not initiate contact. Every time you call her or text her, she thinks it is because you want something from her (e.g. to come back).

Definitely do not inquire about her alleged affair. In her mind she is separated from you and it is not your business. Again, respect her freedom. Also, learning about her affair will only hurt you and your boys. If she decides to reconcile, that changes things.

In terms of GAL - you have to decide what you want out of life with or without her. Then pursue that. Be a good dad. See what your kids want/need. Organize a road trip. Take them hunting, skydiving, snorkeling... whatever they will enjoy. It is a pretty tough situation for them, so anything helps them is welcome.

[EricC]

I'm going through Sandie's 37 rules once more, and realizing how many mistakes I have made over the past year.

Don't dwell too much on these. Focus on what works best for you. Focus on detaching, and not reading too much (if at all) into what she does and says. Do not expect her to be reasonable. It helps to think of her as someone you just met on the train, except if it something that directly concerns your boys.

[kiro]

Consult a lawyer (others have said this too).

Thanks Eric. Yes I intend on consulting a L before mediation.

Stop paying her bills. She wants freedom, respect that. Respecting her freedom does not mean paying her bills though.

You do not have to provide her explanations for your actions (except if related to your kids). If you stop paying her lease, and she asks why. Don't tell her that it is because she left. In general, do not bring up the fact she left in any context. That fact should not be a reason for you to do anything.

Why shouldn't I bring the fact that she left? What is the reason to stop paying for her bills if it's not because she left? And how should I let her know that I am paying for it? Someone on this post told me that I should let her know before stopping. Should I just text her and tell her I will stop paying your lease on such date without giving any reason?

Do not initiate contact. Every time you call her or text her, she thinks it is because you want something from her (e.g. to come back).

Agreed, but how about if it's important for the kids?

And how about my situation now where she asked me to go to mediation (through text message)? I texted back a long message stating that I will let her know when I'll be ready (and then listed 3 or points that probably sounded as angry and resentful). Should I text her back after consulting my lawyer and tell her I am ready for mediation or should I just wait until she asks about it again?

Definitely do not inquire about her alleged affair. In her mind she is separated from you and it is not your business. Again, respect her freedom. Also, learning about her affair will only hurt you and your boys. If she decides to reconcile, that changes things.

As I posted previously, I already sent her a message last week asking her to come clean about the affair if she wanted me to cooperate during mediation. Should I tell her that she shouldn't worry about it now or should I just let it go and not say anything anymore?

Generally speaking, should I tell her that I respect her freedom or should I just not contact her and not say anything?

In terms of GAL - you have to decide what you want out of life with or without her. Then pursue that. Be a good dad. See what your kids want/need. Organize a road trip. Take them hunting, skydiving, snorkeling... whatever they will enjoy. It is a pretty tough situation for them, so anything helps them is welcome.

Agreed. I will continue working on that.