RR this is why I cautioned against this. I know the PW change was bugging you too death. But being detached would have meant you didn't care and let it go. I am also going to call you out on the "it wasn't planned". What did you think would happen when you tried to initiate? That she would say yes and you'd go to town? Or that likely she'd say no and you'd start questioning her?
RR I feel you were at a critical point. Must like I was back at the end of February. Critical points are times to pull back pressure and pursuit, not engage in it.
What't done is done. We all stumble in DBing, and make mistakes. Likely you feel unfulfilled by the R talk, most of the time we LBSs feel that way after an R talk. We gets lots of maybes and I don't knows. That is why they are counterproductive. So get back on the horse and keep DBing.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Being detached doesn't mean you will tolerate betrail in your own house.
Steve, you are right, I am at a critical point. I'm reaching the end of my patience. I'm beginning to feel like to fool that hung on too long.
What did I expect when I initiated? I didn't expect anything other than the common courtesy of an honest answer. Based on her recent mood I thought she would be into it. I expected nothing.
As for being unfulfilled? I wouldn't say that. I've seen some movement. I got to say and was listened to for the first time in months. If this expedites her exit. So be it. I can say I don't regret having this R talk. It put her in her feminine energy. Last night we went to dinner and she seemed better than ever.
I'm kind of done tippy-toeing around her feelings while suppressing my own.
She is leaving to fish my daughter out of college today. Hopefully, she will have some time to reflect.
Me? I'm going to enjoy myself.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
You never realize how much you are still not detached until your W leaves for a few days and you feel this pressure drop. No basing your own own state of happiness on the reactions you are receiving.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Being detached doesn't mean you will tolerate betrail in your own house.
Steve, you are right, I am at a critical point. I'm reaching the end of my patience. I'm beginning to feel like to fool that hung on too long.
What did I expect when I initiated? I didn't expect anything other than the common courtesy of an honest answer. Based on her recent mood I thought she would be into it. I expected nothing.
As for being unfulfilled? I wouldn't say that. I've seen some movement. I got to say and was listened to for the first time in months. If this expedites her exit. So be it. I can say I don't regret having this R talk. It put her in her feminine energy. Last night we went to dinner and she seemed better than ever.
I'm kind of done tippy-toeing around her feelings while suppressing my own.
She is leaving to fish my daughter out of college today. Hopefully, she will have some time to reflect.
Me? I'm going to enjoy myself.
Actually detached does mean that. It means what she does and says no longer affects you. Also, while you see the PW as a betrayal, there is a long way from changing an email PW and having sex with OM in the marital bed. What you are calling betrayal is really just a lack of transparency, not betrayal.
Your last post was exactly what I was getting at. Detachment is not something that merely do. It is something we live. Yes we can fake it until we make it, but we haven't made it until we no longer even have to try. It just becomes natural.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Actually detached does mean that. It means what she does and says no longer affects you. Also, while you see the PW as a betrayal, there is a long way from changing an email PW and having sex with OM in the marital bed. What you are calling betrayal is really just a lack of transparency, not betrayal.
Your last post was exactly what I was getting at. Detachment is not something that merely do. It is something we live. Yes we can fake it until we make it, but we haven't made it until we no longer even have to try. It just becomes natural.
Point well taken Steve. Detachment does mean not caring. As for the whole PW thing? W said she would be transparent. Said she wanted to restore my trust. She lied. I consider it betrayal.
I believe that there are degrees of detachment. The day I become completely detached I will no longer desire any reconciliation.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
So W and D19 came home from college this afternoon. D19 takes off to have dinner with her friend and WAW asks if I will follow her to return the rental car. I agree and D15 rides along. WAW explains how D15 is joining friends and could we go to dinner a little early? I agree.
After dinner D15 asks can we pick up a male friend and drop them off at another teen's home. So we pick this guy up and I don't chat on the ride to the destination. WAW makes some small talk and the teens catch up. I deliver the two and we ride home. I stay quiet. No real reason but I was tired and besides, I am recommitted to "the rules".
W showers and I catch up on emails. W comes in and asks if I'm okay. This is unusual in its self. I just kind of shrugged and asked "why" Well, I should have realized this was just a segway to what she really wanted to say. She lit into me for being so rude to D15s friend. I said I don't believe I was rude. I said hi and that was it. She went on about how my Ds avoided me because I never seemed showed interest in there lives. I don't believe this. Both my Ds like to spend time alone riding around after dinner listening to music. Obviously the share girl things with their mom and if they want to get away with something she tends to be more of an enabler. I ask questions like who, what where and how. All dad type concerns.
I honestly believe her point was to hurt me. Not to understand. Not out of concern. After her typical passive aggressive dismissiveness. Which I pointed out and she seemed to try to curtail. Old habits die hard. I refused to argue. I did defend my actions with facts. But the conversation ended and I left.
Reflecting on this convo and its accusations, I made some realizations. I guess I've known but it is brought to the forefront.
What has become more apparent is a triangulation dynamic. I enjoy spending time alone with my D19 I enjoy spending time alone with my D15 I enjoy spending time alone with my wife
Put either D with W and it's not a lot of fun.
Anyway, Happy Fathers Day all you LBSs.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Several days later and I since confirmed my initial thoughts. I did come home that night at told W that I would say something to D15.
Next morning I apologized if it seemed that I was rude to her friend. She blew it off. It didn't seem like a big deal.
Seems W who had just come home from retrieving D19 from college had taken and exaggerated the incident in order to project at me. Who knows what the real reason was? Perhaps she was tired from the drive. I don't think she resented handling the retrieval herself.
Anyway, a day later and W seems back to nornalish. I've not really been concerned as I have been focused on other things.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
RR it was good to see you reached out to D to make peace even though it did not seem like a big deal. You were man enough and handled it well. Good luck on your journey!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Thanks, LW. In typical WAW fashion, W didn't see it that way. She was focused on the difference between the D15s concern one moment to another. At least that's how she put it. Like somehow her initial outrage was belittled. Who cares?
I suspect it had very little to do with my actions and more to do with Ws state. She can learn to communicate like an adult or my efforts are all a waste.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Since D19 is home from school W has been sleeping on the couch. Well, I guess I should have realized that wouldn't take long to get old.
D15 has a large room with twin beds and this is where she slept at Christmas when D18 came home. Not sure and I'm not asking.
So, going through the morning rituals and in passing, W looks "down". I ask what is wrong, expecting it to be me, and she says that she doesn't have a place here. Not in a time for me to go run off way, but a whoa is me, way. I replied "Sorry you feel that way." and kept moving.
She continued to mope around until she left for work. This is the first time I have seen W look sad in quite a while. She has been full of confidence and seemingly in charge for several months.
Could this be the start of a sense of Loss?
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
