Hey Nef! Appreciate you posting from the 'other side' so to speak. It is hard to confront our demons just in our mind and we play great tricks to avoid them, let alone post about them in a public forum even if it's fairly anonymous. I know it wasn't easy for you to post your story.
I wish you all the best and your W as well. Sounds like you are trying to repair and rebuild your MR, and I hope you're putting in all the work for it.
Neffer, I wish my husband could read your thread. I bet he'd relate. He's a physician and his affairs have been with nurses. I guess work colleagues are where most affairs start.
I'm curious to know more about your experience. Were you still attracted to your wife during your affair? And are you attracted to her now? Do you think anything your wife would have done differently may have had an impact on you? Like if she didn't take you back easily would it have pushed you to continue with the OW or made you want back to your wife even more?
It's too bad that so many people get hurt when an affair happens, including yourself, your wife, and the OW. Many of us here have the impression that the spouse who is cheating is happy but your post implies that's not the case. You may have been happy with the OW but not happy with what you did and with many aspects of your life. It's good you're working to address all of your issues.
I hope you do get a chance to meet your real father.
Thanks for summarizing your story for everyone here!
Hi Nicole, thanks for reading my thread. I think you summarized my sitch very well.
I will try to answer your questions. You konw it is difficult for me to say what I felt for my W when high in the affair. Guilt, shame, depression for the situation.
Before the PA I felt I had to protect OW and her son. After knowing my truth and a lot of IC I discovered it was related with my own fear of abandonment. OW and son were my mother and I. And I had to protect them. But I was leaving my W and son so the conflict was a very strong one. OW did a lot of pressure about being happy in life. But I was never going to be happy leaving my family. That defined my on-off pattern relation with OW. She pushing and I stepping back ... keeping contact at work, mind manipulation, sex adiction, you know ... an endless situation.
OW was my soul mate during the affair ... all those feelings that affairs produce. Well, it nearly destroyed my life. My W and I lost ourselves through the M. I was attracted to OW but I knew I was not going to be happy leaving my family. Getting attraction back to my W was/is a slow process. IC and latter this forum helped me to realice where I was standing and where I was going. I am in peace with myself now. Still fighting OW related adiction sequels but really concious of where I am.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
neffer, addiction is blamed too much today. It is called willpower. Most people think they have no willpower and can't control themselves, but it simply not true. You CAN cut off OW and stay away from her. It IS within your power. No one gets to say "I couldn't help myself", everything we do is a choice.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I get it Steve, thank you. I have been NC for more than two years. My mind plays games sometimes but my willpower prevails. IC and reading this forum have helped me a lot. Thanks again.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Great post Neffer, thank you for sharing. I hope people read this and understand that a wayward wife or husband is NOT living a glorious life full of satin sheets and rose pedals. A lot of LBS's seem to think their spouse is a huge "winner" while the LBS is a loser, and that the spouse is enjoying the spoils of victory every day whereas the truth is far from that. You really highlight the internal struggles a wayward goes through. It's easy to say "well then just quit OP and go back to your spouse" but in some cases it really is an addiction as you say and addictions are not something you can turn on and off like a light switch.
And thank you for mentioning me as helping you, it's good to hear I contributed in some small way to your recovery. Congrats on your hard work, keep at it.
You have an interesting story. I am glad you found your way back and decided to share your insights of the journey. To read what it was actually like was most illuminating. Thank you.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
