A familiar story with questions. VI

[RR17]

Thanks, Gordie.

I guess the silver lining is I now recognize these things without taking it too personally. It is what it is and I have control over how I allow it to affect me.

I also have made great strides on being in the present. If I attend an event or even witness a beautiful cloud formation as I did this evening, I am better able to soak it in. For years I was too stressed or worried or just preoccupied with whatever was coming next to ever really stop and smell the roses.

Amazing what you can accomplish when you sense of self, comes under attack.

[RR17]

So I'm in a bit of a crossroads here.
I just went to breakfast with W. Both Ds didn't want to go. It was pleasant, nothing special.
But immediately after returning W knocks on my MBR door and says she is running down to her office to get some paperwork ready because a new hire is coming on in the morning. I replied "Okay". I sometimes think she does these things to restore trust.
Ws office is only like 3 miles away. She has a work friendship with a younger guy that is not her type but gets brought up too often in stories. I have expressed concern and W has assured me that there is nothing inappropriate.
It is a small office and who knows?

So my dilemma, Do I drive down there and look for her car at the office?
Most of the time I don't feel suspicious, but every now and then...

When a bond of trust has been abused and the proper steps to repair the damage are not taken, I expect this will continue to haunt me.

[mtb1981]

What do you have to gain by doing that? All you will know for sure is where her car is at. If her car is there, she could be doing exactly what she said by herself or she could be there hanging out with the guy co worker. If her car is not there, she could be somewhere else with OM or she could have just decided she wanted a coffee or something. In the end, the only thing you're going to know is if the car was there or not. And if she catches you checking up on her, she'll make you out to be the bad guy for stalking her. I'd just let it go...

[mtb1981]

I laugh because I feel so much different now. Detachment is the difference. The whole concept is difficult to explain and oh so important. So important to consistently maintain. Fear is the obstacle.
It is like a diet. You are afraid to start. You have to commit. You will struggle at points. You will slip. Just recommit and get back to it.
Drop the rope.

You wrote this less than a week ago. It's good advice. Take it...

[RR17]

Thanks, mtb1981.

I know, I know. I did call and ask if she fed the dog. Our dog is old and not in good health and will probably die soon. I tell you this to understand that the call was not out of place.
W answered the phone immediately which is a good sign.

Posting here was the right move.

Occasional suspicion is expected and typical. What I do with it is up to me.

[RR17]

As this week starts, I am reflecting back on this weekend.
For weeks now I have maintained a healthy detachment and the results are as expected. Good. Maintain a centered and confident self has reminded me of who I was before M.

But it has come to my attention that this shift in attitude is not 100% solidified. Meaning that it is still possible to slip back into past thought patterns. I'll assume that this will get better with time and the fact that I recognize it, is another step in the right direction.

What makes it all the more difficult is the time I spend with W.

I sometimes fantasize about a life living alone. My kids visiting and lower stress. Becoming this eligible bachelor and after taking a break even pursuing other women. It doesn't seem all that bad. I guess this is a healthy part of detachment. Although I do, I struggle to imagine dating W.

I don't know that I have read about others expressing these feeling. If so I would like to hear.
I also welcome any thought on this.

As I live in Limbo. I have been reading and watching videos about masculine and feminine dynamics. I find it helpful in understanding what traits I have embraced in my M that ultimately make us men unattractive to our Ss. I won't go so far as to say I had NGS but I believe that we morph into something that hardly resembles our pre-MR self and doesn't look anything like what the W was attracted to in the first place. Nor does it feel as comfortable to me.

As CS&N once sang:
It's been a long time comin'
It's goin' to be a long time gone

As I live in this state of limbo I occasionally think that it is my turn to take action. Force a reaction. It sounds like control, right?

I slip in my detached autonomy because she is still around. Still around only now extending the respect and consideration that she withheld for so many years. The only thing missing is the affection and intimacy.

I wonder if I should pull further back?

[SteveLW]

RR hang in there. limbo is rough, but so is D. Just stay the course. Give it time. It will all work out.

[ballast]

I sometimes fantasize about a life living alone. My kids visiting and lower stress. Becoming this eligible bachelor and after taking a break even pursuing other women. It doesn't seem all that bad. I guess this is a healthy part of detachment. Although I do, I struggle to imagine dating W.

I don't know that I have read about others expressing these feeling. If so I would like to hear.
I also welcome any thought on this.

RR, yes I have had that fantasy/vision many times since separating from my W. It is the supposed light at the end of this long tunnel I currently find myself within. And yes, dating the W thought is a struggle for me as well. I don't believe it's because I could/would not, but rather almost like in the bachelor scenario there's just no place that a previous relationship fits in it if that makes any sense.

As I live in Limbo. I have been reading and watching videos about masculine and feminine dynamics. I find it helpful in understanding what traits I have embraced in my M that ultimately make us men unattractive to our Ss. I won't go so far as to say I had NGS but I believe that we morph into something that hardly resembles our pre-MR self and doesn't look anything like what the W was attracted to in the first place.

I've been watching videos/reading just like you and while I know many things I could have done to improve myself, I do also find myself wondering if perhaps ladies have an unrealistic expectation on pre and post male attractiveness in an MR. I'm not trying to get men off the hook at all for being responsible to keep doing all they can in the MR, but over many years surely initial feelings/attractions will recede for both parties, I would like to believe replaced by a much stronger bond and love. Hopefully my thoughts on this make some sense.

[RR17]

I've been watching videos/reading just like you and while I know many things I could have done to improve myself, I do also find myself wondering if perhaps ladies have an unrealistic expectation on pre and post male attractiveness in an MR. I'm not trying to get men off the hook at all for being responsible to keep doing all they can in the MR, but over many years surely initial feelings/attractions will recede for both parties, I would like to believe replaced by a much stronger bond and love. Hopefully my thoughts on this make some sense.

I think the two are separate issues. I think men are lead to believe that their S wants them to embrace their feminine energy and this is counter to what they were attracted to initially. This deeper bond is what holds it together until she realizes what she is attracted to looks nothing like what H has become. The whole ILYBINILWY thing I believe pertains to attraction.
Attraction is much more than physical looks. IMO

[RR17]

Well, This just went down and I'm not sure how well I handled it.

So our family dog is in her last days. She is old and I think it is time. She has good days and bad days and the bad are becoming too frequent. W called me this afternoon to say she thought it was time.
W went to her Bible study tonight and I stayed home with the dog. When she returned she came up to the MBR and we discussed the dog and plans. Then out of the blue, she tells me that BTW, she had made vacation plans at the beach for next week some 60 days ago and didn't think I should go.

Thrown in like some detail, this hit me like a ton of bricks. I told her that was fine but that when she plans and hits me with these things I feel like she is plotting behind my back. She apologized and although she could now see it that way, she didn't think of it at the time. I asked if she had hidden it as I hadn't heard the Ds discussing and wanted to know the depth of this secret plan.
Anyway, I went into an explanation about how withholding info that affects another person was no different than a lie. About how I refused to continue to be friendly if I am expected to tolerate wondering what other plots and plans were going on behind my back.
The conversation never reached an argument and she didn't dismissively walk out, as usual.
The conversation just kind of came to a close and that was it.