Thanks for responding guys. My counselor brought up that I needed to tell her some things that she has not heard from me and be emotionally honest and that she needed to hear some of these things. Too much NGS for too long. I didn't know how this forum would take it, and I am trying to DB, but I appreciate the perspective either way!
I am still holding on by: -going to the restaurant -riding in car w her -telling her how I feel (following counselor's advice)
And even though she doesn't pay for the car, I should let her keep driving it? The payment were talking about is $1,000 a month. She stated she would not be able to keep the vehicle on her own. Ok, let's sell it IMO. I pay for the thing by myself while her cash (roughly $3,200/MO) goes god knows where. She could potentially keep it in cash, say she spent it, and there'd be no way for me to get any of that. All the while she was spending out of the joint account. So I just get double screwed bc I didn't even get to us the vehicle while paying for it and all this other crap.
I feel like the separate accounts, which I'm doing today, and me taking the car I am, at this point, solely financially responsible for, is action to the words that I won't support someone else's mistress. She likes to state things like "this is hers, that is hers", even when referring to the bed and others. I shouldn't sleep in the master bc she and her sister moved it in.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I also wouldn't mind some pointers on where I am holding on, I think I know and listed a few, but would appreciate your thoughts. Again, my counselor brought up some of these things to work on. She is with me and not pursuing, but wants me to open a window or "reel her in" as she says.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I also wouldn't mind some pointers on where I am holding on, I think I know and listed a few, but would appreciate your thoughts. Again, my counselor brought up some of these things to work on. She is with me and not pursuing, but wants me to open a window or "reel her in" as she says.
Exactly. Remember the counselor is probably classically trained. "You must reconnect." "You must communicate." "You must share your feelings."
A lot of counselors deal with marriages where both spouses want to improve things. That isn't your sitch. The reason you came to DBing is because traditional methods didn't work. Most of us did. We tried to do the usual early in our sitch and things got worse.
So my suggestion would be to use this counselor for IC, not MC. If you really want to get good help hire a DB coach. MWD's site has resources on DB coaches she endorses. Traditional MC advice will not work here because it pursues and applies pressure.
That is my 2 cents, for what it is worth. And yes you hit on the points I would have made for how you are still holding on.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Agree with Steve that a non d b counselor may give you contradictory advice
D b is not for everyone but if you are going to d b then you need to be consistent
You are in a business deal that has gone bad
Issue is you are legally responsible for a lot financially until you renegotiate a new deal which you have not done
Unilaterally moving money and restricting use of her car even though you pay for it will hurt you in the eyes of the law
See a lawyer before moving any money or doing anything financially
Here is the dynamic I see
W has checked out of M
You are still checked in M
W will continue to take advantage of you treating her like a W including as much money as is selfishly possible which is classic cake eating
You keep expecting her to treat you like a H and you get angry and sad and confused when she does not
Rely more on actions than words
Rather than saying I will not let you talk to me like that and then sit there and let her continue to talk to you
Just leave or hang up the phone or whatever it takes to end the conversation
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Thanks Gordie & Steve. mmaybe you missed it but I got up and left the restaurant after she was being rude, but maybe I missed your point too. I am getting stronger in that regard. I just need to pull my support financially as well.
As for our SUV, I think I'm going to let her know that since I'm paying for it, I'm going to drive it but that I'd like to sell it.
If she asks about driving my car, who cares I guess. I may ask her "You're comfortable with driving my car to commit adultery? You have your own."
I feel like such a pursuer right now, but some of this has to be made real in her mind.
I've been considering hiring a DB coach but it just seems so expensive for 50 min phone calls. That's my hangup at this point. Maybe if they read my sitch on here first and had some background I'd consider it, but again I doubt that would happen.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
-telling her how I feel (following counselor's advice)
I agree with Steve, this is not DB'ing but it is consistent with traditional R advice that largely doesn't work with a WAS. The problem is you're dealing with a cheating wayward wife, she doesn't care one bit about what you are feeling. As far as she is concerned, she tried for months or years to communicate and you failed (in her eyes) so that ship has sailed. Now it's "too little too late." She's moved on to someone else for emotional support.
Quote:
And even though she doesn't pay for the car, I should let her keep driving it? The payment were talking about is $1,000 a month. She stated she would not be able to keep the vehicle on her own. Ok, let's sell it IMO. I pay for the thing by myself while her cash (roughly $3,200/MO) goes god knows where.
You're getting into financial issues that as Gordie said may have legal implications, so you should seek out some legal advice on that.
Ok, I have had to to breathe, relax (errr...work), and simmer down. I'll just ask WW to pay for half of everything. No more of this "take her car away to win the battle". I'm doing that b/c I'm hurt and don't think she should drive our car to carry out her affair.
I'd like to drive our nice SUV more often, and I think I will let her know this. As for driving my car, I guess she can drive it. What the hell? Maybe she'll feel like a POS for doing the same thing in my vehicle that she's done in our vehicle.
I will discuss sharing feelings with my counselor vs. DB'ing harder. See what we think. You guys are great, so thanks for commenting.
Oh, and my next check is not going into the joint account, which is dry as of today (not that WW left much in there).
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
We bought the car over a year ago. Both names on that vehicle loan and title.
I am not closing the account, just not going to contribute, same as WW is doing.
Anyways, I've really fallen off the wagon in a big way. WW started teasing down R path, it's hard, she doesn't want this (divorce), she wants to try but she wants to want to try. I hope that makes sense. I gave in and am a huge puss.
I am back to DB'ing. This is too much for me and now I'm just a mess.
She thinks I am being disrespectful by not letting her sleep in the marital bed. And by not letting her sleep she means me being in there. Oh well.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
