World is upside down right now

[SteveLW]

I was actually doing research to see if the 7 year itch is real! Didn't find much, but still curious. It is weird that during the day at school, all I can do is think about him, in the evening, I am finding things to keep my mind off of him and it is much easier to handle all of this. Are you still communicating with W? I find right now we don't have much to talk about, so their is very little communication since he is not at home. It kills me, but I know it's better for me to detach right now. Thankful my coach told me last night that I can back off, but don't need to go dark.

Yes it is real, but it isn't always 7 years. For some it is 3 years, for some it is 10 years. But yes spouses go through itches. And it is exasperated by social media. You get an itch, and then you get a friend request on (evil)Facebook from an old BF/GF, and there is a scratch for the itch. Next thing you know you are in a full blown EA headed for PA.

[Davide]

Osthr,

I have cut way back on communication recently. We met last Wednesday for the 1st time after the separation (3.5 weeks) and talked for 1.5 hours. I had to get some things off my chest, but it was very good and positive encounter despite the fact she is convinced that she doesnt want to be married. Since then I only respond to her texts (every couple of days) about mundane house stuff. Two days ago she wrote me a tormented email about whether she was making a mistake and reminiscing about our good times together. I haven't responded.

Yeah. I have had lots of trouble at work. I haven't done a lick of grading in the 4th quarter. I have had some days I have to give the kids work on the computer because I can't deal. I have very little patience. On the good days I can still lose myself in the teaching, which is great. For me the hardest time is at night in bed by myself.

Detaching is good. Keep working on it. I know that is what I am doing. It takes time and discipline. In moments of crisis or weakness I reach out here, or to friends or family, not to W.

[othstr]

I've had a few good days, staying busy, no contact. Then, I learned of the terrible news. He is getting an apartment, with another woman, that is 23, he is 30. They of course work together. He didn't tell me this information, so I don't feel I can confront him yet. He asked yesterday if I was going to be seeing my mom for Mother's Day, I gave too much information. When I came home, I saw he came and got more clothes. I sent a text asking him to be an adult and tell me he needs to get some things and not just sneak over. I always told him that it has been a week since he left with no real contact. We need to have a real talk about where we go from here. I know that is against DB, but he has given me absolutely nothing. He is coming over this evening to talk. I am going to stick to the DB rules as much as I can while we talk, but I also just need some answers. I will have my list of questions and talking points ready so that I am not too nervous or forget what I need to say. I'm pretty nervous!

[SteveLW]

Confrontations are always nerve wracking. No way around it. You seem convinced about this course of action. You are correct, this doesn't really fall under DBing. DBing would be to detach, GAL, 180, and be the best you that you can be.

Just try to stay calm and emotionally detached during the discussion tonight. Do not beg, plead, reason or try to guilt him. Be matter of fact. Lay out what you know, let him respond. Make sure he is aware that you have boundaries and lines in the sand. If this move in with the OW is a bridge too far (in other words, there is no coming back from it) make sure he is aware of that. Likely he is keeping you as plan B. 30 23 is a big deal. He is established and she is just getting established. Her life is likely in a very different place from his. There will be frays in that arrangement fairly quickly, he probably realizes there is a high likelihood of that all falling apart and want you waiting in the wings.

[othstr]

So, the conversation happened two days ago. I was super nervous! He arrived, came inside, asked for a hug. Of course I wanted one, so I did it, it was a lingering 5 second hug, not a quick one. Niceties started it off, then started talking. I really tried to stick to DBing, it was hard, I definitely threw in some feelings. I got information about what he wants as a part of the baby, and how we are going to continue finances right now. Then came the part about what is going on with the situation right now. He said he is looking for an apartment, applied, but haven't heard anything back yet. I know that is a lie. He told me where it is, the name of the complex, and that he is moving in with a girl from work because she is the only person he knows that is in need of a place to stay right now, told me her name, he said it is a 2 bedroom... I know DB says don't believe what they say, I don't because there were still lies in there. I was strong and told him I will be able to handle a baby on my own. I definitely backslid some, but I still think I got my point across, still have questions, but got some answers. He gave me a hug when he was leaving, same thing, 5 second lingering embrace. He did tell me that he was hoping when he left he would miss me, but he didn't. Dagger to the heart, but I know that he is just trying to push me away. I found out that when a woman is pregnant in my state, you can't get a divorce, so I have at least 6 months without anything happening.

Also, I had a mini breakdown last night. I was mowing the lawn, his job, and the grass was long since it's spring. The mower kept getting bogged down. The neighbor came out and helped me, but said a couple times, yeah, the lawn is pretty long to handle this right now. I said, I know, I've just been busy. He left, I thanked him, continued to go on. I started to cry and was thinking, yes, I've been busy, my husband was out of town for work, he left me a week ago, and I'm 3 months pregnant. I'm sorry that the lawn is long. I cried for about 45 seconds, was done and moved on. But it hit me. And, for the first time in a couple weeks, I slept the entire night! Instead of reading DR before bed, I started reading a satire novel so I wasn't thinking about everything right before trying to fall asleep. I think that definitely helped.

[JujuB]

Congratulations on your pregnancy. This is a really joyful wonderful time and try to focus on bringing a new life into the world. Do you have family and friend support right now? There have been other pregnant posters on here. Cherry and T1024 I believe. Maybe someone can link? I cant from phone.

Take up meditation. There are some great apps. It will help.

You will definitly get through this. We all know how much it hurts. We all know the pain and suffering that occurs when in Limbo like this.

But here is the thing. You are the one in control. You get to control how long limbo lasts. You get to make the decision of when enough is enough and you want your life back.

I know it is hard to hear this, but would you ever date or move in with a man that left his pregnant wife? I for sure would not. I would think he is the scum of the earth. I would not trust him. I would not view him as a prize. I would see him as irresponsible and selfish. He might be giving lingering hugs. But thats easy for him. His actions are really, really, really bad. Like special section in dantes inferno bad.

You have lost nothing of value. You are gaining a baby though and that is the best absolute best gift in the world.

Its hard to come to terms with the issue that sometimes we just really didnt know who our spouses were at the core.

Just lots of self care

Hugs

[othstr]

I haven't posted in a few days, but I have been reading other posts. I have a few questions that I would really like some input on, hopefully from multiple people.

My H admitted that he is getting an apartment with OW, but he claims she is just a friend who also needed to get an apartment, so they are going to be roommates. I totally don't believe it and told him that, he kept saying it is a 2 bedroom and they are just friends. I was given information that makes it seem like this A has been going on for quite some time, quite a few months if not a year. He still won't admit to it.

So, I am NC right now. He messaged me once about stupid stuff, I responded without detail. As of right now, we don't have kids and don't have much to communicate on, is the NC doing more harm than good since he is able to spend more time with her? I am going to continue NC, as well as GAL, but I'm just curious.

We are on good terms right now. We talked about him coming to my 20 week ultrasound appointment for the full anatomy scan/ultrasound. Does that sound like a reasonable thing to do? I don't want to keep him away from the baby if he is willing to be there for it.

I am working on 180 for myself, but I'm not sure how to do it in the relationship. If he lived and home and I saw him, I understand how I could, but since he is not here, and we're minimally talking, do I just do thing for myself right now and not worry about how to do this in regards to the relationship?

What about detaching? I know I am NC, is there anything else I need to do besides GAL and 180 for myself?

He has only been gone for 2 weeks, so everything is so new for me, I am reading and learning, but not sure how to move forward with the steps.

Thanks for your help!

[Davide]

The NC is for you more than for him. The NC makes it much easier to detach. If you are worrying about how he is reacting to it, you need to focus more on yourself. That is the super hard part. I am in it myself.

I would think that communicating about the baby is necessary. That is liking making arrangements for kids. But keep it to business.

The NC is a 180, no? Living focusing on yourself and the baby, rather than him, is a 180, no? That doesn't provide any guarantee of bringing him back, but it will help you get to a better place.

I would stop pressing him on the affair. That sounds like pursuit.

You are doing great. Just keep it up.

[othstr]

It has been a long time since I posted, so an update, plus some questions. Personally, I am doing WAY better. I can actually think about H without getting a feeling in the pit of my stomach. I am happy, laughing, enjoy hanging out with my friends and family, have gone on vacations, did a comedy improv class, all things to help me GAL, and they are working! I was not excited about the baby in the beginning, I was scared, nervous, and very angry he is making me do this alone. I am in a much better place with the baby now too. I have had a couple ultrasounds and got to see the baby looking like a real baby, and I can feel it now, so I have a connection now.

Now for the H. I rarely talk to him, but I have sent him updates after my Dr appts. He is so cold, although less cold than he was at the beginning of all of this, but I asked him on Friday if he even wants the updates, he responded, yes, I sure do. So, I will continue with them. He is supposed to come to my next appt, July 13. I told him the date when I made the appt, he said he would make it. I am not planning on reminding him, but making alternative arrangements for someone else to go with me in case he doesn't show, as per my DB coach, so we shall see. He says he wants to be in the baby's life, but he isn't really acting like it.

He moved in with OW, so I'm sure he's enjoying his time with her, although I'm pretty much just waiting for it to crumble, whenever that may happen. I was hoping it would happen soon and he would come to his senses, but with me doing so much better, I'm sure it will crumble, but I'm not waiting on pins and needles for it to happen now. He came over and got some of his things, mainly clothes. He did leave 10 items. I asked him why he didn't take them, I shouldn't be responsible for taking care of those items. His response was that he took what he could fit in the truck and he'll have to come back for the rest. He could have definitely fit these 10 items, so why not take them??? He hasn't come to get the rest of his things or said anything about coming to get them, so they are just still here at the house, it has been a month! What do I do with them? Nothing, let them stay where they are until he asks to get them? Ask him to come get them? Why do you think he left all of this stuff and hasn't even commented on coming back to get them?

I'm sure there's more to update on, especially later if he comes to the appt.
Thanks for any comments.

[othstr]

Bump for support and comments