World is upside down right now

[RyanHun]

Pardon me for saying this but it takes a real POS to walk out on his pregnant spouse and he needs to feel that and all the shame that should come along with his actions.

Just want to clarify that this is not a personal attack on your spouse but the way he is acting.

[othstr]

I'm finally back to give an update. I have still been reading other people's threads, just haven't had the time to sit down and update. I had my little bundle of joy, a boy, which was a surprise as I didn't find out beforehand! He is the best thing in the world! He will be 3 months tomorrow and I return to work on Tuesday. I'm sad to be leaving him, but also kind of excited to have something to do on a daily basis.

I'll start off with how my life is going. First, I say that God has blessed me with the most perfect baby as I have already been through enough during my pregnancy. He is adorable and rarely cries, and at that, he just whimpers We have been able to go out and do so much because of this. We are constantly on the go, visiting with friends, out and about, I love it! We have gone on 3 trips, 2 road trips and 1 airplane trip to visit my brother and his family. I have started boot camp again and the crew knows about my situation, so they welcome the little man and my trainer just holds him while telling us what to do, and he loves it! I have such an extensive support army from all my friends and family, I honestly feel they love S more than my H. I feel like I GAL pretty well, I am rarely at home or just idle. I had a hair appointment the other day, I decided that I wanted a change to go with my changing life, I chopped my hair off, and it feels so good, I love it!

On to the H. He said he wants to be a part of S life. He was there for the birth and the days that followed at the hospital. His parents came from out of town to visit and he visited with them. So, he saw S for 4 days right after he was born, I thought he was going to hold to his statement about being in his life. Since then, he has only come 1 day/week, if that. Lately, he has gone 3 weeks without seeing him, and then 2 weeks without seeing him now. He is supposed to come over tomorrow. He is living with OW, and I just assume that he is wanting to spend more time with her than with his son. And he is getting so big and so much more fun. He is interactive and gives such big smiles, how could anyone go 3 weeks without seeing their newborn child?! When he does come, I am here. He has said he doesn't feel comfortable being alone with him right now. I try to keep myself busy and clean or do laundry, stay out of their way, but they are in the main living area, so it's hard. I try not to initiate any conversations, he will normally ask questions to me. I try to maintain the cashier stance, pretend like he is a cashier, be cordial, but don't offer too much information. He stays for about 3 1/2 hours. He doesn't contact me at all between his visits except to set up the next visit, minimum of a week later.

I did go meet with 2 lawyers about a month ago. I got some good info from them. My main thing is to make sure that S is taken care of, so custody and child support would happen first. I have no plans to move forward with D anytime soon, however, I am getting very frustrated with this limbo. I know time is our friend. But, the fact that he is off, having a great time, that assume and have no proof, is very hurtful. He has zero responsibility to our marriage or his son and is just off living his "fun" life. He has said absolutely nothing about D and moving forward with that. He has been having an A for over a year and living with OW for a year in May. I don't understand why he is just content with this situation when he was the one unhappy.

I have been reading a lot of threads, so many of them are about WW, I have found not many about WH. Can anyone lead me to a few? Do they think the same or differently?

Please ask any questions if you need clarification on anything. Thanks for reading.

[othstr]

I agree that he is a POS and that he seemed to have zero regrets about leaving his pregnant wife. He didn't ask how I was or for very few updates, that has continued now that S is here. No need to apologize, I feel the same!

[othstr]

Well, H came over today, left about 30 minutes ago and baby is sleeping. I left him with S for an hour and a half to go get a new phone. Just told him I need to head out, I'll be back in a bit. I woke up and got dressed, did my hair and makeup. Since I got my haircut, I feel like doing more with my makeup than usual, so I of course did that today, and I feel good. One of the things that drives me crazy while he is here is how much he is on his phone. Social media, texting, etc. I know S is only 3 months and pretty easy, but he only sees him once a week. Plus, I just know he's texting OW and that drives me crazy. I know I've seen boundaries about not communication AP while in the presence of spouse, but I'm not sure if that applies to us since he isn't living at the house, has been gone for 10 months and is living with her. Thoughts?
Going to enjoy the rest of the day and get S's 3 month pictures taken! Let's hope he smiles this time for them.

[Tryhard]

I feel the same as you re texting, but I very much doubt he is texting ow all the time

[othstr]

I know he's not texting her all the time, it just bothers me that he is on the phone when he is here to spend time with his son. Oh well, I can't control that. He is the one missing out.

[AnotherStander]

I know I've seen boundaries about not communication AP while in the presence of spouse, but I'm not sure if that applies to us since he isn't living at the house, has been gone for 10 months and is living with her. Thoughts?

From Wonka in the Validation thread:

"It is impossible to set boundaries without setting consequences. If you are setting boundaries in a relationship, and you are not yet at a point where you are ready to leave the relationship then don't say that you will leave. Never state something that you are not willing to follow through with. To set boundaries and not enforce them just gives the other person an excuse to continue in the same old behavior."

The whole thread is a good read:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

EDIT TO ADD- so is this one:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=44680&Number=1859179#Post1859179

So here's my question, if you state a boundary of "you will not text OW while with S" then first, how do you even know who he's texting, especially when you're not there? Second, what "consequence" will there be if he doesn't respect the boundary? Boundaries are more about you refusing to be disrespected, like not letting him yell at you or treat you poorly. The consequence in those cases is you hang up on him, or don't reply to texts, or walk out of the room, or leave the house (depending on the situation). That's easily enforced. See the difference?

[Yorkie]

First and foremost othstr; many many many congratulations on your beautiful son.

Secondly, do you have any idea what an inspirational and awesome person you are?

Your Hs behaviour would have made most people drop to their knees but not only are you caring for a little one, planning your return to work but GAL like a demon as well.

I would just shrug my shoulders about the phone thing. It's what teenagers do to cover up their social awkwardness. It is a bit different in that he isn't coming over to eat cake; he's coming to see his son. Whatever we all think about him, your son deserves to have his Dad in his life where possible. Setting a boundary may mean that he doesn't come. So just shrug your shoulders and think he's a childish jerk and ignore him. I know you can do that because you are so strong.

In respect of his interactions with the baby: On another site that I frequent one of the common sayings is 'trust that he [censored]'

I doubt even the most eloquent of advocates could persuade the world that your H has acted like a good guy. He [censored]. That doesn't just apply to his R with you at the moment, but in everything that he does.

You don't need him. If he chooses to want back in your life and you choose to let him, then that is because it is what you want, not what you need.

You're doing great. You're doing great despite a mightily shi*** situation. Your son is blessed to have such a strong mother.

xxxxx

[Yorkie]

ps the censored bit rhymes with ducks and is what you do through a straw

[othstr]

AS- I understand about the boundaries, I don't have a consequence, so I can't really do anything about it.

Yorkie- First off, thank you so much. I am told that all the time, but I really does help hearing it. I truly don't know where I found the strength to get up everyday and do the best I can, but I have, especially before S was born, have him makes things much easier to get out of bed in the morning. It has been a rough, long road. I for sure don't need him, these past few months have shown me that! Unfortunately, I do want him, for now.

I know that people here say tell only a few close people of the situation. Honestly, I've been an open book, it is one way that helped me cope. Also, it is very hard to live your life with close friends and family that you see frequently, when H is not with you. There's only so many excuses I can use. My mom asked me last night if the D process has been started. I said no, she asked why not, I didn't really answer. How am I supposed to respond to that? I know so many people, myself included before BD, that would tell someone to drop them after what he has done, forget about him, I deserve better. I know I deserve better, but that doesn't mean I still don't love him. He had his own personal issues, but us a couple was great, or so I thought. What I mean is that we never argued, we supported each other, sex could have been more often, it was at least once a week. It's hard when he travels Monday-Friday. But, I am just not there yet. We haven't even talked about it, at all. I don't want to be the one to initiate it, at least not now. I don't know if there is even an answer to this, I'm just thinking.