So after being arrested for alleged assault- which I was not guilty of- the charges were eventually dropped- but I was bailed which forced me out of the MH. I have been GALing successfully, even to the point where my efforts have really paid off, and I genuinely felt that as I cannot control her, I took the whole don't believe anything she says and only half of what she does to heart.
I took other advice and took steps to begin to separate finances, whilst still paying 50% of the mortgage and house insurance, and paying towards the childrens upkeep (3 kids) all other bills were transferred over to her name for her liability, and whilst we still have a Joint Account- it is heavily overdrawn and as it is a joint liability, I am reluctant to pay this off myself.
The current situation is that I bath the children every night so get to see them, and I was all set for filing for D, and although this was on the horizon, we were getting on better, and going out as a family together- me her and the kids, as we haven't spoken with the children yet- they just think that I am staying at their Grandparents for a while- but as we were spending time together as a family- she then told me that she didn't want a D- and that she wanted to try counselling- I was reluctant at first- but over the last week or so, she explained how she wants to be happy but she would find it hard to trust me- and whilst it is her choice to trust or not, it is also mine- we have been unhappy in the MR for a long time and she began an EA with the OM which developed into a full A just after Christmas, up until this week however, she was still in contact with him and she tells me that she still has feelings for him that can't just be "switched off" and whilst I understand that, the jealously and stress it is causing me is extreme, so I have gone dark again, I just don't know what to do for the best, as I told her straight that I cannot allow her to have 3 people in her marriage and she said she understood, but I feel that while I am still going out with her and the children, this is enabling her to continue to message and be in contact with him, and I feel like she is taking me for a ride.
Please can someone advise me on what to do? I want to spend time with my kids, of course, I do, but I can't help but think that if I do carry on going on days out with her as well, then this is somehow signalling to her that she can continue her behaviour. In the meantime, I am stuck in a lonely room at my mums, not being able to think straight.
Any ideas? Thanks in advance
M(41), W(37) S (6) D (4) S (2) M-8, T-12 W "I don't love you, I am in love with another man" "I don't know you anymore"
"I have been GALing successfully," "In the meantime, I am stuck in a lonely room at my mums, not being able to think straight."
So which one is it?
mbe, look you can't DB half way. GAL means staying busy.
Also, start taking the kids out without her. Don't be mean about it, just tell her until she figures out what she really wants you don't want to play "house".
Detach. Reread that thread. That is what you need to do. GAL, I don't think you have been doing this like you think you have. 180s, stop doing what doesn't work (going out as a family). And when you interact with her be pleased, pleasant, upbeat. Remain emotionless.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
she then told me that she didn't want a D- and that she wanted to try counselling- I was reluctant at first- but over the last week or so, she explained how she wants to be happy but she would find it hard to trust me
So she filed false charges against you, abandoned the M and professed love for OM. Yet she doesn't know if SHE can trust YOU. Well isn't that rich.
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- and whilst it is her choice to trust or not, it is also mine-
Yes indeed and you have no reason to trust her right now.
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up until this week however, she was still in contact with him and she tells me that she still has feelings for him that can't just be "switched off" and whilst I understand that, the jealously and stress it is causing me is extreme, so I have gone dark again, I just don't know what to do for the best, as I told her straight that I cannot allow her to have 3 people in her marriage and she said she understood, but I feel that while I am still going out with her and the children, this is enabling her to continue to message and be in contact with him, and I feel like she is taking me for a ride.
I agree. You need to protect yourself, and as long as she's still in contact with OM there is really nothing to discuss with her.
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Please can someone advise me on what to do?
Can you clarify briefly what has transpired, are you living with your mother because of the charges your W filed against you? Were you forcibly removed from the home? Do you want to go back? Personally I would make it a priority to get back in the house. Your W is the one that should be out. Is there a restraining order against you? If not then tell your W that ANY negotiations on the M will begin AFTER you move back in.
you will not get what you want by "pretending" to be an intact family... you are not--at this time--a healthy family... you must stop spending time with her... until she fully lets go of the A and OM, she is persona non grata... continue to GAL, and spend time with the kids doing things together as well as the everyday stuff... but don't let her be a part of it...
Yrs the reason I am at my mother's house is because part of the bail conditions was that I was unable to return to the MH as she was a witness. As all the charges and therefore bail conditions are now lifted, I am free to return home.
So what I am thinking is: complete this weekend and do the family stuff we already had planned (the children are part of the plans so if I change it now it will just upset them and cause an argument)
Then move back in, whilst I continue to GAL
Don't discuss the M until I am back in and confident my boundary for beginning to piece has been demonstrated.
I have protect my wellbeing in all of this and I want to be happy. And right now she is still showing signs of secrecy- hiding her phone- not looking at text messages while I am there etc. Even though she has assured me the A is over, if she is still in contact with the OM then surely this is still EM and a form of mental cruelty??
M(41), W(37) S (6) D (4) S (2) M-8, T-12 W "I don't love you, I am in love with another man" "I don't know you anymore"
She has booked counselling and we are on a waiting list- but as I have read elsewhere it seems like she is doing this just so she can tell people "She tried"
She continues to show very little warmth towards me, barely makes eye contact, and there is no affection whatsoever.
As I said in the other post, as I am still at my mum's it is hard for me.
As we have such young children, we have been spending time as a family, and we haven't argued in front of them but it's more like a friendship. She does sometimes say things like "I feeling leaving you all " when the children are misbehaving" I had to tell her that she cannot do that.
So what can I do to properly detatch without the sitch affecting the children?
She says the actual A is over, and she claims to have told him, but she admitted she still has emotions for him and is still REALLY secretive so at the very least the EA is still on- it's almost as if she's waiting for me to give her justification to go back to him.
I could really use some advice
M(41), W(37) S (6) D (4) S (2) M-8, T-12 W "I don't love you, I am in love with another man" "I don't know you anymore"
I'm no DB expert. What makes you think she is just going through the motions on the counseling?
She can just up and leave you all, if she wants to. I'd be careful telling her she cannot do that. You can tell her that you wouldn't like that and neither would your kids.
I would reread the detachment threads. Sorry I'm not of more help.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Don't do the counseling. All stop on the relationship. Do not talk to her. Do not reason with her. Focus on yourself. You have no control over her or the situation, just you.
If you can't control yourself, your emotions, and your outward reaction to her manipulative and selfish actions by being detached and in a good mood, don't go near her.
Focus on GAL, Focus on reclaiming yourself. Go out and date 10 ladies. Go out and date 100 ladies.
Go develop some self worth. Be the spouse only a fool would leave and show it in your appearance, demeanor, and actions.
Keep your thoughts to yourself and do not, I repeat, do not talk to her about feelings or the relationship.
The children are really young (6, 4 and 2) and up until now we have still been having family days out. . .together, albeit we have been in full on parent mode and more like friends. I think this is nice guy behaviour and I need to stop- but how do I communicate this to her? I was thinking of speaking to her and saying that "you said you wanted to save the marriage, yet I know you are still messaging him and I cannot have 3 people in our marriage, so until you can demonstrate to me you want to save the marriage, I am not going to play happy families just for the sake of the children- you know the children are my world and I would do anything for them but I cannot allow myself to continue to be disrespected by you
And then until she either coughs up and shows genuine remorse and honesty, the only interaction I will have will be about the children.
The only other thing, I am still living at my mums- there is technically nothing to stop me moving back home, so should I? As I think partly me not being in the MH is also enabling this cake eating.
M(41), W(37) S (6) D (4) S (2) M-8, T-12 W "I don't love you, I am in love with another man" "I don't know you anymore"
