Glad you did not accept her guilt trip about not being responsive
You promised to take care of her
And she promised to forsake all others
And yes you do not have to be mean about it
But the truth is the truth
Calm and steady
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I just got home. WW immediately jumped on my butt about why I didn't call her back last Friday (about her bank account login) and how I could have at least texted her back the next day. She said that I was being mean b/c I'm not getting what I want. I said no I was busy and I can't be there for you all the time b/c you didn't want me. She told me I was "rude" so I looked at her like WTF. She asked how she was being rude and I said you know how. Then I told her I didn't change anything on her bank account login. K says "blah blah blah, you promise?". And I was again like WTF b/c I heard the word promise. I said nothing but my face was like WTF. She brings up how I promise to take care of her, and asked me if I did that. (She is right, I didn't take care of her very well.)
Then she tries yelling when I'm in the bathroom closing the door to shower. She wanted to know where the boat was. I'm not going to yell through the bathroom door to talk. so I didn't respond.
I got out of the shower and told her to get out of the bed. She said oh you're not going to be fair? "Fair" set me off and I was like "fair"? She said the house is more hers than mine technically (honey, I have news for you). I said "is that right"? "You're a cheater, you're having an affair, you're an adulterer you don't get to sleep in our bed". She just looked at me for about 5 seconds then slowly started crying. Then she grabbed all her stuff and slowly went into the other bedroom. I shut the door and am in bed now.
LOVE IT!!!
Well done sir. WASs always act so childish!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Well we talked this morning. My phone was off so I didn't get her text about wanting to talk. She came in the bedroom and told me that she is "shattered" and "miserable" and cried a lot. Talked a lot about her pain and I listened and validated and said sorry a time or two. Then we took a poop break and talked in the living room. Then did some more of the same. She cried a lot. After a while I got up and she asked me to sit down so I did. Then I asked her what she wanted to say. It took her a while to get to it bc she was beating around the bush. She said her blanket reminded her of the ocean floor and I said that's funny. She asked why and I told her bc I'm going to Florida next week. She starts talking about how she wants to go.
I said I'd love that, but I can't do that bc I wouldn't go with you while you are seeing someone else. And she said "OK". I was like OK what? So it took several minutes and she half assed said some things implying she wanted to try. She said she is a wimp and didn't want to say it. She said "you know what I mean". So I said what I thought she meant (about trying and there not being anyone else) and she said yes.
So I said "Now you say it", bc I want to hear it. So she said she wants to try and that she knows there can't be anyone else. So then I made some more boundaries clear and we talked more about what happened. She's ok with my boundaries. She did apologize for hurting me and said at that point she was done and moving on. There was no question in her mind. She was hurting, continuing to be hurt, and wanted to get away from that. So I was really honest about a lot and so was she. I didn't like everything I heard when we were being honest and neither did she.
My boundaries were basically about commitment and trying and I explained what it looks like for me. Primarily no OM. We talked about positive communication and being open and honest about what we need from each other. I told her it will be weird and awkward and that I won't like everything she is thinking and feeling. We talked about starting new, and how some parts of the old R were worth keeping and much needed to be new.
Anyways, this is a ton to process. I was planning on going to Florida, now W wants to go. I'm going to need to see proof she broke it off with him, and ask W if she can really be in the car with me for 10 hours and stuck sleeping with me for several days.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I had a feeling with your last update that she was headed here.
Now to be honest with you ovrrnbw, this is what it sounds like to me:
- OM is involved with somoene else or married or in some other way unavailable for more than what it has been. - She is "in love" with him and wants to be with him but coming to the realization that what they have is all they'll ever have. - Since Plan A is fading fast and out, she knows she'd be a fool to let her Plan B get away. - She is reluctant to recommit but also reluctant to let you go.
So with all that my advice is to make getting into MC a must. And not because you are insisting but because she wants to go and work on the MR.
Institute a weekly date night. If she is serious about trying then she will agree to trying to reconnect.
Look into what talk and touch charges are. My W and really hit our stride in R when we really sat down to talk to one another.
I am excited for you but caution you that she has a lot of work to do. Don't let her skate on it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
O, that's a good start on her part. But I don't know if I'd take a trip that soon with her. You need to proceed with caution and you need to make it clear to her that she doesn't just snap her fingers and you come running back. She needs to WORK to get you back. That means counseling, that means TOTAL TRANSPARENCY regarding OM. She needs to be willing to answer ANY and ALL questions you have. And she needs to be willing to turn her phone over to you for review at any given time. She thinks that's an invasion of privacy? Well tough, she gave up her right to privacy when she cheated on you and then decided she wanted to come back. Be firm with her and keep your walls up! Good luck!
OK now she feels like she doesn't want to try and that she is just a mess.
She said she is so confused. That she is everything right now and feels like she is in a tornado. She doesn't know where to go, what to do, which way to turn. Talking about our problems was fine, but she was reminded of our old R and how she didn't like it. She can't force herself.
This lasted about 3 hours. She said something reminded her of our old relationship when we were looking at condos. Maybe I can be with you but I can't right now.
WTF was I thinking taking her to Florida with me...I brought up how she wanted to leave right then and there (when we were talking earlier) and said how she was doing that to "escape her tornado". I asked if that would actually help and she didn't know but that it sounded good at the time.
She wanted to make a choice and not think about it anymore. But that's what she did today.
Guess it's time to back off the pursuit and go back to LRT and validating her feelings.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
ovrrnbw, this is typical. My W did the same thing. I wouldn't react to her roller-coasting as it will just make it worse. Steady, slow, even-keeled wins the race.
I've told this before (and its in my threads) but I'll share again. About 3 weeks after BD, on a Friday night, I told my W that there was no way I would tolerate her continuing her EA and that if she wanted to work on things with me then she would have to agree to full transparency. That meant handing her phone over anytime I asked unlocked. That meant me knowing all of her PWs and having access to all accounts (social, emal, etc). Her reply? "Okay, I will start working on my resume so that I can move out."
She started that night. It was the first time I showed detachment. In fact, I think she said the line above mostly to get me to back off. When I remained firm, and acted as if I didn't care one way or the other, it was completely different than I had behaved in the previous 3 weeks. I offered to buy her any books she thought would help, especially with interviewing since she hadn't gone on an interview since 2000-2001.
She continued working on the resume the next day (Saturday). That evening she came in to the living-room. I was watching TV and doing some DB research online about detachment, letting go, etc. She sat down on the couch on the end closest to me (I was in the recliner), and sighed heavily. I ignored it. She then said "Am I doing the right thing?" I responded with "What do you mean?" She said "Leaving." I said "You have to do what you need to in order to be happy. It sounds like staying with me isn't it." She then went on about how God hates divorce. And that she so wanted to want to stay, but didn't feel that way. She cried and said she didn't want to break up our family, and do to our daughter what her parents had done to her (they divorced when she was 10). From that moment forward she never again touched her resume. I remained detached, non-reactive. I didn't console her. I remained firm on the fact that she was resolved to leaving.
But it seemed like a real breakthrough. It was the first time since BD where she seemed to be leaning toward staying. Not just in word (though she was clearly saying she wasn't sure) but in deed, by not working on her resume any further. I was filled with hope. I remember breaking down the next morning in the shower, and crying and thanking God. It showed me the power of letting go and detaching, and how that doing that was already having an impact on her even though I had only done it well for a few days. I was filled with hope!
3 days later I stumbled across her profile, that she had just put up that day, on an online dating site. Full picture, description, and a long explanation about how she was just testing the waters and couldn't date yet because she was married, but that she was done and had made it clear she wanted a divorce. And that she might not respond to messages but to go ahead and message her and she would respond once she was free.
WWs are flaky and, not to defend them, they don't even know what they want. Even after the above incident, a few weeks later I snooped and found that on another online dating site, after I confronted about the above, she had a private profile (no one could see it unless she allowed them) and she had been messaging guys that were 15-20 years younger than her! When I confronted her on that she said "I don't know what I am doing!" And though you can't believe anything they say I truly believe she didn't! Waywardness had her in its grip and she didn't feel the same way from moment to moment!
Okay this got long, but the point is simply that you have to give her time to sort out her feelings. My W followed a similar path at the beginning of R where she would have moments of not being sure R is what she wanted. Continue DBing through out this period. Stay up on GAL, 180s and detachment. One of the things that most LBHs don't realize is that Ws, and even GFs find it attractive when their Hs or BFs don't need them. Think about it, a W in an affair is all into someone that gives them a fraction of their time! The opposite of neediness is very attractive to most women. Yet we Hs that are or were codependent are so needy no wonder they aren't attracted to us!
Keep up the good work ovrrnbw....don't ever give up.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
OK now she feels like she doesn't want to try and that she is just a mess. She said she is so confused. That she is everything right now and feels like she is in a tornado. She doesn't know where to go, what to do, which way to turn. Talking about our problems was fine, but she was reminded of our old R and how she didn't like it. She can't force herself.
What was your response to that? It should have been to listen and validate, nothing more. Hold your course and let her flop around like a fish out of water, not your problem. Who is the lighthouse and who is the hot mess? Like I said before, SHE has to do all the work to get YOU back. YOU are the prize here.
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This lasted about 3 hours. She said something reminded her of our old relationship when we were looking at condos. Maybe I can be with you but I can't right now.
"W, I am sorry you are struggling with this. But please understand, I don't know if I can be with you anymore either. So much has happened and I don't know if I can trust you again. I am here for you if you need to talk, but to build a new relationship we will have to have a lot of discussions about how to proceed."
PUT HER ON NOTICE! You are not just sitting around as a convenient plan B. Steve's post is a great example of how loony things can get before recon happens. You need to stay true to yourself while she sorts out her mess. And it is HER mess.
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WTF was I thinking taking her to Florida with me...I brought up how she wanted to leave right then and there (when we were talking earlier) and said how she was doing that to "escape her tornado". I asked if that would actually help and she didn't know but that it sounded good at the time.
Wherever she goes, there she is. She can't run and escape her tornado.
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Guess it's time to back off the pursuit and go back to LRT and validating her feelings.
You never should have stopped. Next time you think about changing course, remember this incident.
She tested the waters, your boundaries and found that they have given way quite easily.
Hold your boundary, no R chance if you are with OM.
"WW, I am not paying the triangulation game, nor the pick me dance. I am worth a complete R with."
So validate her confusion but keep up the truth darts. That was a spell break moment because now you know you can never unknow. And you have cut her crap denial and gaslighting.
I hope you have a screenshot of that dating profile.
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I also think OM isn't in the bag and it's likely if she has a dating profile, it might have been if you had moved out of the MH and left her to be 'happy ever after ' and she now knows that isn't going to happen.
A modified Plan B looks better than an inoperable Plan A. Otherwise it's a very unpleasant Plan C. Or a new OM from online.
She feels sorry for herself and it was her own choices that did it.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 07/12/1804:58 PM. Reason: Spelling
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
