Walk Away Spouse after 6 yrs - Part 2

[TBSakaJ9]

I don't think you need to accept her as friends but please realize by you doing what you are doing she grows more and more angry with you each day. If you are ok with this then please continue but it is not helping.

I also don't see how that is respecting her feelings of wanting space and time away. To me it seems very selfish on your end.

[Nutcrac]

I will stop acting like a King when you stop acting like a petulant child. I have no idea why you're here when you clearly go against basic DBing principles and keep arguing when you're told by the entire DB community that your approach is now that DB is about. You're completely free to do whatever you want, but why come here and keep arguing instead of listening from people who have more experience than you and have seen it all.

Goes the other way round with you being belligerent with me and acting like $hit. But I don't care.

Also, that's a cop out excuse about knowing all traditions in S. Asia. I've had the privilege of travelling extensively in the region and I still call it my home and I have NEVER EVER seen a single community tradition where people bring sweets every SINGLE TIME. You're just making up bull$hit and you know it. Stop hiding behind cultural traditions and own up to your behaviour.

This shows your arrogance and your ability to not accept and understand how the dynamics of how cultures work. Seeing my wife after 3+ months without anything in hand. Think about it rather than vomiting your BS. And its not some expensive gift btw, rather a $7 eatable. Stop with all your nonsensical talks about traveling and understanding the whole S Asia.

I am in no way pursuing in my sitch. Read up on all my 10 threads to understand my journey. You fail to show basic comprehension of what pursuit/distancer dynamic means, not to mention NC/Dark and all of that.

I have not read your entire stitch, but you may be handling your stitch well. In no way I am going to say you have done everything 100% as per DBing. That takes time. But my take in my situation is different.

As I said, why are you here when you clearly don't want to do the DB approach?

You still don't get it do you? Just because I am not applying all the principles of DBing does not mean that I am discarded from this forum. If you guys want to throw me out. Feel free to do it. I have no issues.

[Nutcrac]

I don't think you need to accept her as friends but please realize by you doing what you are doing she grows more and more angry with you each day. If you are ok with this then please continue but it is not helping.

I also don't see how that is respecting her feelings of wanting space and time away. To me it seems very selfish on your end.

I understand your point of view on this matter. She has been angry all along. Her anger WILL NEVER Subside. I just have to live with it. I have given her a lot of space and time. When we were in house separation, I used to GAL pretty much everyday and even then she was not satisfied with the space she got. Now based on the conversations with my mutual friends, she has communicated that she kinda got too much space than needed and hence this vacuum. Yes I know the "Beleive nothing she says" is what I need to adhere. However, she needs to make a decision fast for the betterment of both. This is just screwing up both our lives and careers and doing no good, while we were supposed to be settled down in life by now with kids and family.

[TBSakaJ9]

If you don't want a Divorce then I would not push her, you are not helping your situation.

If you do or if you don't care you have a say in this as well and you can just file yourself.

It does take time for them to not be as angry and it usually revolves around them not feeling any pressure from the LBS. It took my EW 6 months before she dropped her guard. Now she is calling me on the phone and apologizing to me.

Do what you want, it is your sitch but I think most of the advice you will get on this board is from a DB perspective so if you choose to do your own thing I am not sure you will get the positive re-enforcement or guidance you need/might be looking for.

[Maika]

Goes the other way round with you being belligerent with me and acting like $hit. But I don't care.

The only reason I got on your case is that you decided to give Ballast some of your BS advice on NC/Dark on his thread. If you had just stuck to your own thread and implementing whatever you thought was right for you, I have no problem with that. But I have a huge problem when newbies come and start giving contrary advice when they haven't grasped what DBing is and haven't put it into practice fully before making adjustments and tweaks. Ballast is in a precarious position as a newbie and I remember that very well. And getting railroaded by what I would call anti-DB advice can be very damaging for their healing journey.

Do whatever you want to do for your sitch, but stop sharing your theories with other newbies when yours isn't even proven. As I had said, there are 100's of sitch's over the years here where the NC/Dark method has worked for their personal healing journey and at times even being instrumental in recon. Your method is not proven.

This shows your arrogance and your ability to not accept and understand how the dynamics of how cultures work. Seeing my wife after 3+ months without anything in hand. Think about it rather than vomiting your BS. And its not some expensive gift btw, rather a $7 eatable. Stop with all your nonsensical talks about traveling and understanding the whole S Asia.

Again, you fail to understand the nuances of what I am telling you and you picked what you wanted to respond to. First - she has point blank told you she doesn't want to see you. But you show up with sweets - BIG TIME UNDENIABLE PURSUIT. When you're called out on the sweets, you hide behind culture - which is the bull$hit that I was pointing out. There is no single person in S.Asia who can say they understand all the cultures - that should be dam# obvious. What I had said is that I know cultural traditions from across the country and have travelled extensively to know that people don't bring sweets EVERY SINGLE TIME they go to someone's house. I'd love to know which cultural group in S.Asia does that, so please enlighten me. And it is not about the $ value of what you brought or after how long you visited her. You did PURSUIT - which is the entire point of discussion and you clearly don't see that.

You still don't get it do you? Just because I am not applying all the principles of DBing does not mean that I am discarded from this forum. If you guys want to throw me out. Feel free to do it. I have no issues.

Oh I definitely get it! Again, your loss of nuance here. The point of DBing is that all these approaches together lead to the good path. And you can make tweaks and changes after following Sandi's rules for a while and understanding them. And if there are anger and resentment issues, this is a loooooong ride - this is the part you don't seem to get. Your NC/DArk timeline is very tiny. Not to mention your W actually telling you she doesn't want to see you and you're not honoring that.

Like AS said - come here to learn and listen, put it into practice, and then come back and tell us what tweaks you made that made a difference. Right now you're making it worse every day.

[OrangeK]

NC.

4x8 time buddy.

Here's how i see it.

Your Wife likely has every reason to not want to see you.
You claim "She definitely loves me", you sure about that?
It sounds to me like you have been controlling, manipulative and stalking her.
Your behavior is definitely controlling, and bordering predatory.

I am thinking, you WANT her to get a RO against you.
it will help you with your "Misunderstood victim" narrative you seem to be constructing.
You are using DBing to make yourself feel like the discarded victim, when I am starting to get the picture that your wife is justifiably exiting a dangerous and abusive relationship.

You express ideas of grandiosity, omniscience, a need for control and are stubborn to a fault.

I think you have some serious control issues, and a superiority complex that is DANGEROUS.

Honestly, i think if you keep on the path you are on, you are going to end up in JAIL.

Im not going to wish you luck at this juncture, as i think you are acting as your own worse enemy.

I hope you discover peace and wisdom Sir.

[joejoe1]

Nut,

What you are doing to your W is borderline harassment, period. I can see why she needs space from you. You dont listen. She has been prabably telling you for years how she felt and you never cared to listen, you know how know because you arent listening now.

You are doing too much. I dont care what culture you are from, showing up to a person's house unannounced is rude and crazy, especially when a person is telling you they dont want or like it.

Now you are saying if she gets a TRO that will let you know her decision, you wanting her to go that far is crazy. Why does a person have to go that far to get their point across?

She is running from you and I can see why. You seem like a very scary person to be around at the moment.

You are dillusional. And I'm starting to think you need to seek out help to fix this dangerous attachment personality you are displaying. We are here to be honest with you. You seem not to like honesty or anything that goes against your flawed philosophy. That type of trait is never healthy.

[Nutcrac]

Well.. here is another update for you guys to chew on.
We duscussed about a possibility of 2 month extension. WAW was ready for it, but very much insisting on some conclusion to divorce after 2 months. I said cannot decide that now and we will see after 2 months. Initially she agreed but was in dilemma all the time. I asked that we need to put some effort to bridge our communication whether or not we continue to live or separate.
She said she still has no intention or heart to continue even if we keep pushing this extension fir 6 months. Then she started misrepresenting many facts from the past accusing me tobe at fault.
I simply listened and said if you dont habe any plans to brudge the gap, in that case we need to conclude our relationship on July 6th. She said she wanted to be a wellwisher / friend after divorce. I said NO and expected both of us to move on.
She reluctantly agreed. And she asked if i had anything to say before i leave. I said we can mutually duscuss if you have stuff to say. She said she does not have anything and insisted again to say the same. I said the same and we bid farewell to each other. I know you guys think i am hot headed and all that BS. At least i am happy that we came to some kind of an agreement where we both decided to move on. 7/6 is last hopefully on this forum as well. Hopefully I don't plan on coming back here to irritate you guys.

[SteveLW]

This is went impatience and pressure doesn't work. I am very sorry for you that this was the conclusion. I really think if you had stuck to DBing and given it more time even after the D, you had a chance at R. There was no need to rush and force her to choose right then. 99.9% of the sitches here would end like this if we all pressured our WAWs to choose before they were ready.

And maybe you are hotheaded. But you're definitely hard headed.

Am I understanding this last update right that you showed up at her plane again?

[Nutcrac]

See that is the problem assuming things. Its not the question of being impatient. She won't realize because of her mental imbalance issues. And even if she does her family will make her think in the other direction. So there is no point in continuing a relationship when one cannot take control of his/her mind.

And NO..i was asked to meet up with her and family. I did not show up at her place. And please stop being judgemental.