Can I really do this #4

[Dtrmned]

AS, I always appreciate your thoughts.
There is a lot of truth in your words. I am seeing more and more (wow, the previous posts from you, Steve, Sandi and others saying to give it time, things will become clearer, and you just need to relax a little are truer than ever!) that I really am my own worst enemy in this. I cannot, and don't want to control my W. I do have dreams, desires, wishes that I could control the situation, but I know I cannot. I can only control myself. I didn't sleep well (about 90 minutes) on Wednesday and my W was up most of the night sick last night so I was helping her. So, it was very difficult to get on the treadmill this morning. Didn't want to get out of bed. Did it. Didn't want to go longer than 15 minutes. Did a little over an hour. Didn't want to do the weight circuit. Did it anyway. Thinking to myself constantly all throughout that I was exhausted and wanted to quit and then reflected on my MR and how control over my own actions and reactions are all that I have. The rest is not up to me. My actions will not be out of desperation or anger, they will be out of love and a desire to do what is right for my children and myself. My reactions will not be out of retaliation, anger, hurt or anything negative. I will pause, think and prior to acting or speaking will examine what I truly desire for my life prior to responding. Example would be that my W was in a fairly bad mood yesterday evening. She made a couple of quips about really nothing, was a little short with the kids, etc. I didn't take any bait. Was polite, cordial but not overly compensating for anything. I sat back and thought to myself "I knew this was coming". We get along for a few days and things get a little more comfortable and she feels the needs to shoot back and prove that she is wanting to move forward with the S or D. Maybe... That is me mind reading. So I sat back, thought to myself "what is my goal in this". And my answer was that my short term goal was just to make it through the evening with zero conflict. I achieved my goal. Unfortunately my W was up at midnight puking her guts out for a few hours. Kind of puts things into perspective. Her mood probably had ZERO to do with me and EVERYTHING to do with her body feeling sick. We do have idle chit chat from time to time, but she doesn't share much and she has asked me not to ask about her health so I rarely do.

I did propose the hotel stay to her and didn't ask for an answer, simply told her the situation, asked her to think about it and let me know in a couple of days. She didn't say much about it, and I didn't press and glad I didn't now knowing she wasn't feeling well.

There are so many pieces to life's puzzle that it amazes me. Things that are happening to us, our families and our friends that may or may not change our viewpoints. She has a close friend that I have spoken of here that had a huge health scare this week. My W even mentioned that she thought her friend had the possibility of passing. I don't know how this is going to affect her. This is the person she leans on and has a lot of her future hopes locked into. Facing a friend's mortality, especially one that is supposed to be vested in your financial future (friend and other partner are supposed to open a business and my W was going to work there. They have zero capital and I am skeptical about how it would work since all of them have serious health issues and I don't know who would actually do the work. My opinion it is a pipe dream and part of fantasy land.). So her facing square in the face that she may not be able to count on this income for her future and maybe looking at her own health issues and own mortality may have her pausing. I am not mind reading on this. It may very well push her to S and D as she may say "life is too short not to take the chance" kind of thing as well. I am just letting is play out.

Going into another weekend off of a short week. Not as apprehensive as in the past and looking forward to spending some time with the kids and doing some fun things. If W wants to come or do anything she is always welcome.

AS, I agree that just as you still love your EW, I will always love my W whether we are together or not.

[AnotherStander]

JS, that's some really great introspection there, awesome post! Also well done on how you handled the hotel stay with your W. You're definitely getting the knack of DB'ing

[Dtrmned]

Thanks AS!
I believe it is a byproduct of the time factor. On BD day and shortly after, I was in shock and as you said very scared about the future and losing my foundation. I know now that I was way too dependent on my MR and looking to my W for affirmation and approval. Although I am good at what I do, successful, friendly and an overall decent human being, my confidence was shot straight to zero, even further if that is possible.

The full extreme concentration each second of every day on the MR, how to "fix" it and how to get it done quickly was my life. Finally found MWD and then this board. I have spoken about this at least once, but this board sometimes becomes an addiction as well as it provides some great advice, but still kept me focused on my MR constantly. This caused great work and life disruptions and great stresses on my overall health. DB'ing along with the 180's and GAL has helped tremendously. I've lost 25 lbs. I get in about 10 miles a day now and am now only allowing myself certain days on this site to make sure I am not over obsessing. Some days are better than others as you can look back and see. Some are chicken littles, others are very ordinary. If I feel the pressure, I check in. If I feel I need to vent, I check in. If I feel I just need to journal and/or update, I check in. I am focusing much more on myself even though this is so counter intuitive of my life. I've always put myself second to my family as most of us do as well. It feels weird but as you do it you realize how much of yourself you have lost over the years. It gives a great perspective to see what happened in the MR, the mistakes that I made, and somethings that just happened due to life that evolved and changed things. Getting back to who I am is so important and I love that about all of this. Thank you all for commenting and contributing and just the overall support. None of you know me personally yet you take the time out your lives to help other's in need. I read and follow a lot of other situations on here for insight and see that I'm not alone, I'm not "unique" in my situation, and love and MR is a choice. MR is a long term commitment. Lust, initial attraction, the "rush" and newness of a new R or an A is fleeting at best.

In a decent place today, at this moment. It could change at any time, but again, I can only control myself.

I hope all of you have a great weekend. That your live's are enriched by what you do and your relationships thrive!

[arsh18]

JS, one of Sandi's rules is to not plan a vaca. AS is more experienced at this so I would follow his advice. If I won a short vaca right now, the way WAH is, a trip is not going to change his mind. I would find the couple I love and respect the most and offer it to them as a gift for all the things they have done for me and I havent thanked enough. Could be your parents, other family or friends, we all know we have those in our lives.

[Dtrmned]

Arsh,
I wish I could give it away or something like that.
Problem with that is that my boss would make the reservations and pay for everything on his corporate card so he would see when he gets the receipt that we weren't the one's using it. It is an unfortunate, almost funny thing, but life has a way of these things happening we have all found out!
I did present it to her that I mentioned earlier so the ball is in her court. Regardless, I feel I have done my part and included her in the possibility.
And I did not plan this. It just happened. This contest was released in January and was pre BD and even if it was post BD it would not have mattered since I didn't choose the prize they wanted to offer. I simply was the recipient of the results of the contest.

[AnotherStander]

JS, one of Sandi's rules is to not plan a vaca. AS is more experienced at this so I would follow his advice. If I won a short vaca right now, the way WAH is, a trip is not going to change his mind. I would find the couple I love and respect the most and offer it to them as a gift for all the things they have done for me and I havent thanked enough. Could be your parents, other family or friends, we all know we have those in our lives.

I completely agree with you that under normal circumstances planning a weekend trip or anything of the sort is pursuit and pressure and NOT something we would suggest doing. But strange things happen and JS is in a really unusual spot since it was a prize he was given and he's got to be the one to use it. He is kind of obligated to use it since it's through his boss in fact.

JS, I think you handled it great but to Arsh's point if she does decide to go then just have zero expectations because it's not likely to change anything. Try and treat her like a friendly neighbor and just enjoy it as best you can.

[Dtrmned]

AS, Absolutely. ZERO expectations other than good food, good wine, a good massage and relaxation. I would be happy to just get away sit by the pool or hang in the room and read a book. I'd even be up for just pausing our situation for the couple of days and just "hanging" together, again with no expectations before, during or after. I've often said that any couple can be happy on a beach in Tahiti so "happy vacation time" means absolutely nothing when you have to come back to reality afterwards.

The offer has been made. I'll give her a couple of days and follow up with her if she hasn't said anything.

At present, I'm just looking at it as it is. Use it or lose it. We get away from the kids, get a massage and don't have to do dishes or clean! Even if we weren't married when you have kids that sounds relaxing!

[sandi2]

[sandi2]

Why all of a sudden my posts aren't showing? IDK!

[sandi2]

That's crazy!