Mbe, our sitches are so very similar. I think the EA is over, she loves playing happy families, I see the kids at the MH all the time and am considering moving back in before having any MR discussions.
LBH 47 WW 47, M 15 T 18 D 11 S 14 BD, I moved out (duped) Jan 18 3 yr EA with ex-H discovered: Feb 18 I moved back in: Aug 18 (against her wishes) ...No R No M/C, continued limbo, dropping the rope!
The children are really young (6, 4 and 2) and up until now we have still been having family days out. . .together, albeit we have been in full on parent mode and more like friends. I think this is nice guy behaviour and I need to stop- but how do I communicate this to her? I was thinking of speaking to her and saying that "you said you wanted to save the marriage, yet I know you are still messaging him and I cannot have 3 people in our marriage, so until you can demonstrate to me you want to save the marriage, I am not going to play happy families just for the sake of the children- you know the children are my world and I would do anything for them but I cannot allow myself to continue to be disrespected by you
And then until she either coughs up and shows genuine remorse and honesty, the only interaction I will have will be about the children.
The only other thing, I am still living at my mums- there is technically nothing to stop me moving back home, so should I? As I think partly me not being in the MH is also enabling this cake eating.
In my opinion, you're both pretending she's not having an affair. Every day you lose ground in terms of respect and self worth. You're afraid. That's a recipe for heartbreak.
Telling her you're moving back in and she needs to stop talking to the other guy this instant. Otherwise, she needs to move out in 30 days. Period. Just FYI, she'll likely move out into his arms, but at least you have clarity on what she truly values.
The alternative is this limbo state for a few months and then her moving out anyways. Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself and make the damn thing real.
Yrs the reason I am at my mother's house is because part of the bail conditions was that I was unable to return to the MH as she was a witness. As all the charges and therefore bail conditions are now lifted, I am free to return home.
So why haven't you yet? Don't keep putting this off, NOW is the time. You have every reason to now because you were legally prevented from it before but now are not. But if you keep waiting then it will get more and more difficult to justify it.
I agree with InFocus that the counseling is a waste of time and money at this point. Your money would be better spend on a DB coach.
Originally Posted By: mbe76
What about the family activities?
The children are really young (6, 4 and 2) and up until now we have still been having family days out. . .together, albeit we have been in full on parent mode and more like friends. I think this is nice guy behaviour and I need to stop- but how do I communicate this to her?
OK this is a tough one. Personally I believe in coming together for the kids to show that you love and support them despite your differences, but you also have to be careful not to allow cake-eating (IE, your W gets all the benefits of a M without the responsibilities). How often are you all doing these family activities together? If it's frequent then maybe cut back on that and try to GAL more.
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I was thinking of speaking to her and saying that "you said you wanted to save the marriage, yet I know you are still messaging him and I cannot have 3 people in our marriage, so until you can demonstrate to me you want to save the marriage, I am not going to play happy families just for the sake of the children- you know the children are my world and I would do anything for them but I cannot allow myself to continue to be disrespected by you
^^^THAT^^^ is an R talk. So no, don't do that. Speak through ACTIONS, not words.
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The only other thing, I am still living at my mums- there is technically nothing to stop me moving back home, so should I?
I was accused of assault after I went to see my children and the OM was with my wife at her parents house, he pushed me, and threatened me and called the Police. When the Police spoke to my W she alleged Emotional Abuse and Coercive Control- the Police never charged me with that as it was all false- however, they did charge me with Assault- and I was bailed- I pleaded Not Guilty- as I wasn't- but the Bail conditions at the time forced me out of the MH and I am still not there- the charges were dropped eventually- and me and my WW did start to begin to put things back together- but it is all nice guy stuff- she is still in regular contact with him and in spite of her saying she understood that all contact with him would have to stop if she was serious about picking up the pieces. We have been spending time together- days out with the kids etc. shared activities- but there was no warmth or affection whatsoever- and I wanted to believe her- but like so many say, I don't believe anything she says, and only half of what she does- and the fact she barely makes eye contact with me tells me a lot.
It wasn't an ultimatum as such, but I made it clear that I am not prepared to continue playing happy families while she continues to disrespect me and our marriage- we are catholic and I truly think is paying lip service to not wanting a Divorce, and trying counselling.
So I have taken a decision to remove myself from shared days out/ time together as the reality is that I do not want to be her "friend" I have told her this and that I am her husband. I recognise that the Nice Guy Sydrome- and as someone who was often walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting her.
She is also very critical of me, often in front of the children and that is also the reason I do not want to carry on the charade of happy families.
In terms of detaching- I have separated out the finances- I pay half the mortgage- and half the insurance- I do also still pay the phone bill and her mobile phone bill as they are both under contract until August- we do have a shared Bank Account which is overdrawn (shock) and I have 2 accounts of my own- where may salary gets paid into- she is claiming all kinds of benefits now- and as far as I can see things are pretty comfortable for her.
She is being good with the children, but it is all in her control- she controls when I see them, speak to them, and while I am seeing them everyday (to bath them and put them to bed) it does peeve me off somewhat as she is now entitled to the fact that I am doing this every night- another form of control- don't get me wrong I love bathtime and story time- but I feel if she didn't feel it worked for her- she would soon put a stop to it.
The most frustrating thing is, she seems to be ebbing and flowing, on the one hand saying the A is over and she doesn't want a D, but she admits she is still in contact with him "as friends" which I cannot accept and for me is an EA and will go back to a full blown A (when it takes her fancy or she falls out with me in order to justify her actions)
I am GALing (she criticised me for that too) I am now detaching I do want to go dark- but we need to interact over the children. I don't want to beg, pursue or plead- but like many on here- I feel like she needs to wake up and get out of this fog- but the status quo is not helping
I feel like an drowning in a mixture of jealously, longing, loneliness and grief.
Sorru for the long reply
M(41), W(37) S (6) D (4) S (2) M-8, T-12 W "I don't love you, I am in love with another man" "I don't know you anymore"
If you are falsely accused consider legal action on it or saying you will search no win no fee legal advice to recover your legal costs. And OM is the one you will seek action against. I think you will only need to mention this casually and she will tell him.
This will scare him shitless. The jerk arsehole scumbag that he is.
I think you are being played as WW is a SAHM and needs your fin support. It's time for hardball and to move back in to the MH. Expect drama. That's why I think you should mention quite casually that you are thinking of getting compensation for your costs against OM. You can tell her a bizarre old English woman suggested it and what does she think?
No eye contact? That's usually guilt. You are getting the shifty eye? That's manipulation. The smirk? That's duping delight.
Move back in and reclaim the MBR. She is the cheater here.
Claim your kids and stay in the home you pay for.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
