Well explained Steve- this may also be why WAW/WW are so far ahead in the grieving process. While they have had 2 years to process and grieve -we are left behind to pick up pieces. Just my 2 cents.
EXACTLY! How many times I sat and wondered how she could be so cold and unfeeling in walking away. It is precisely for what you point out here. She came to grips with the end of MR a long time prior.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You speak of Sandi'so rules as if they were carved into stone and passed down to Moses. They are certainly sage advice from a wise and experienced person but I doubt that they are infallible.
Can you explain to me, a neophyte, what it is to detach fully, to drop the rope, without giving up hope. It certainly seems to me that delusional hope is the rope that I and so many others are drowning ourselves with.
In terms of divorce. I am a full 8 plus months away from even being able to file. It's just not an option in my state.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Thanks Bewas, bhappy, and Davide. This has been ruminating in my skull for a couple of weeks now.
Davide, I get your point. However, it IS possible to detach but still have hope. They are not mutually exclusive.
Look at sandi's rules.
Almost everyone of them has to do with detachment. And then there is #33.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
There is always hope. Even after a D is final. There are cases of the WAS coming back to the LBS. Often times the LBS is no longer open to R at that point, but it has happened.
If you truly feel there is no hope then it behooves you to take the bull by the horn and follow through on the D, there is no point in waiting if you don't even have a sliver of hope.
I do think that most of us on this board (including me), especially after a month or two do realize that the odds are stacked against a relationship again with our WAS or WS, but I believe having a bit of hope is the only thing keeping some people on the board going from day to day long enough to detach to the point where they can actually start the healing process.
W 31(WW) Me 32 Married 7 years together 12 1 kid - 1.5 yr old S BD 23/05/2018 Separated since BD I moved out 20/06/2018 for my own sanity OM or just fling? Not sure...
As always great post Steve, very insightful . I see most of the warning signs in my sitch too but about 3 months before BD. I understand you say WAHs can be impulsive but exactly 11 months prior BD we conceived Baby 2. She was 10 weeks at BD. What I cannot understand in my sitch is how can someone go from wanting to have another child to not wanting MR in 11 months? I know WAH and WAW think and act differently but in a man’s perspective does this time even make sense? And I can see how OP is a side effect not the root cause for most sitches
Detachment is a process for a LBS, final stages of grief where we move into acceptance. If LBSs didn’t beg, plead, pursue it probably was because they must have been done with MR too at BD right ?
I've been lurking and following along with your threads, and all of the advice you give everyone. I really hope that one day my wife will wake back up and want to R, and stories like yours give me some hope when I just want to give up. I want to be able to let go the way you did and just trust that God has a plan for my life and my family.
Me: Late 30s WW: Late 30s M: 12 S: 7 BD: Late April '18 (Wife left next day) OM confirmed: July '18 (20+ years older)
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. - Psalms 34:18
I don't mean to belittle Sandi's rules at all, I think they are extremely helpful. I do question them being put forth in quiet reverence as if they are the words of the Lord which must never be looked at critically. I'm just not a fan of unquestioning belief in anything.
In terms of your question, I see what you did there. A very psychiatrist-like move. I ask you a question and you turn it back around on me and ask me what I think it means.
I have read through the whole detachment thread countless times. I have printed it out and have a dog-eared and underlined/highlighted copy sitting in my car right now. In short it is drawing back emotionally so that you are no longer codependent or overly emotionally reactive to another person. It is drawing healthy emotional boundaries. I'm sure I'm leaving out a lot, and I am interested in hearing what you think is important that I left out. That said, my question still stands. It seems to me that hope is the rope that we need to drop. It is strangling us and keeping us attached and under water. I'm happy to hear a differing opinion or to be proven wrong.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Davide, I think you can drop the rope and still have hope. When you drop the rope, you drop the expectations, not the hope. Kind of like buying lottery tickets. I hope to win, but I don't count on it happening. And I certainly don't live day to day being upset I didn't win and wondering why. I just know that by having bought a ticket, I have a chance of winning. If I win, that would be fantastic. If I don't...oh well. I tried. My life willl go on...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
I don't mean to belittle Sandi's rules at all, I think they are extremely helpful. I do question them being put forth in quiet reverence as if they are the words of the Lord which must never be looked at critically. I'm just not a fan of unquestioning belief in anything.
In terms of your question, I see what you did there. A very psychiatrist-like move. I ask you a question and you turn it back around on me and ask me what I think it means.
I have read through the whole detachment thread countless times. I have printed it out and have a dog-eared and underlined/highlighted copy sitting in my car right now. In short it is drawing back emotionally so that you are no longer codependent or overly emotionally reactive to another person. It is drawing healthy emotional boundaries. I'm sure I'm leaving out a lot, and I am interested in hearing what you think is important that I left out. That said, my question still stands. It seems to me that hope is the rope that we need to drop. It is strangling us and keeping us attached and under water. I'm happy to hear a differing opinion or to be proven wrong.
I'm not going to try to change your mind. Got answered my question quite well. What I'm missing is how detaching my way you describe above in any way leaves no room for hope. The rope is not hope. The rope is emotional attachment. You drop the rope and have the hope that despite no longer being held on she will come back to you. mtb that is a phenomenal analogy and describes perfectly that shows hoping for something and being dependent on it are two different things entirely.
Davide look deep inside. Ask yourself why you are fighting for this hope is the rope theory so tightly? Is there something about having hope that scares you? Why are you tying hope to attachment. And by extension the lack of hope to detachment?
mtb embodies this. He had done very well in his detachment from his WW. Hey mtb still occasionally expresses hope that she comes to her senses. The key is that he will be fine either way!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
