Can I really do this #4

[ovrrnbw]

You did well, but kept pushing when you didn't need to. When she says "whatever" that means "go to hell".

Google "9 words that women use", go to images, and click on the first picture. Seriously. And don't fight these words and their meanings - you won't win.

She doesn't want to get a job, she is excited about moving, she doesn't want to think about separate living arrangements. That's why she's still in the MBR.

And she wants to tease you which is why she stays scantily dressed around you.

[Dtrmned]

---She doesn't want to get a job, she is excited about moving, she doesn't want to think about separate living arrangements. That's why she's still in the MBR.

And she wants to tease you which is why she stays scantily dressed around you.---

So how do I deal with this stuff?

[arsh18]

Ignore her, see her for her inner ugliness right now. Whatever is the answer a teenager should give not a person who is supposed to be mature and an adult but that also tells you how her attitude is right now, there is no winning with an immature, stubborn adult who throws childish tantrums. I have the same challenge, i use I am sorry you feel that way a lot, so try using some other validation sentences, keep revising your top 5 lines and use them interchangeably, if you feel you are using one of them too much mix it up with silence. From what I can see in your thread she is as uncertain about this as they come, she is neither going to move out nor make any big D moves. Learn to revel in the limbo land, it could be worse.

[Dtrmned]

Arsh. Great thoughts! and as difficult as it is I do need to open up my eyes a lot more and realize who she is today not the woman I fell in love with or have spent all those years with. She is struggling. Justifying. Worried. Scared. Mad. Angry. And mostly all of this gets directed at me. Last evening she was particularly short and appeared to be itching for a skirmish. I didn't engage. Did my thing and let things settle down. I can tell she is trying to pull back more and at the same time keep me on the hook. Kind of sad to me, but glad that I am realizing and noticing the subtle things. Not trying to read into every action, just noticing what the patterns are becoming. So another uneventful evening in limbo which is better than the alternative at his point.

[SteveLW]

JS, this battle she is having internally is a good sign. Not to give you false hope, but when I started to detach my W would flipflop between talking about the future with me("We should have so-and-sos over some time, they are a nice couple."), and the future without me ("I can't wait to have my own place.").

The internal struggle between staying and going shows that she was conflicted. My W was the same as yours "She is struggling. Justifying. Worried. Scared. Mad. Angry.".

She directs that at you, but you being a rock in the storm will make her realize that she needs that rock. That is how you start turning the tide with her. CONSISTENCY.

The best way to be consistent is to be detached. The best way to do that is to GAL. I cannot stress enough how much detachment depends on GAL. So many newbies here deprioritize GAL, and that makes detachment so much more difficult.

[Dtrmned]

Detachment is very hard!
I do need to do better and realize that.
I also don't want to just leave our home and go out that often. Workouts take a lot of time and yard work/house work helps as well. Reading in the other room, etc. Just a fine line due to the financial issues to heading out and doing stuff. There are a ton of things to do that don't cost anything and I am working more on those and getting my kids out with me which will let her realize more and more what this will be like when we are gone (kids of course only with me half of the time, but it will still sting if/when it happens). We have had zero conversations about "our" future nor have there been anything lately about the "can't wait to get my own place" thing. She did ask about the job offer though and I updated her as to what I know. We will see what today brings, and if she calls, texts or when I see her, I will take a breath and think prior to speaking.

[AnotherStander]

As far as MR. W was a little pissy yesterday due to health and exhaustion issues. I would love some HUGE insight from all of you as to why she does the following:

1. Why hasn't she left?

Well keep in mind that we really don't know what she's thinking, but based on my time here and reading about other situations and insights from WAS's these would be my guesses:

Because staying is a whole lot easier. She doesn't want you, but she doesn't want to be inconvenienced by leaving either. And given her health issues, living alone would probably be extremely difficult for her and she knows that.

2. Why does she still sleep in the MBR?

Even though she may not want to have sex with you or want you as an H, she probably still likes the feeling of being close to a warm body.

3. With #2 in mind, why does she just sleep next to me in just her bra and panties. She knows I am attracted to her that way (and all others) and it is either a tease to keep me on or a stab showing what I cant have any more. (not trying to turn this into a porno as nothing has happened in 10 months, but really? Is it just torture or her just making sure since she knows I know she is gorgeous, love her and desire her that she is tempting me to keep me in.

Probably to keep you on as Plan B. She's content with a sexless M but knows she has to dangle a little out there to keep you in the game.

All in all I think she's trying to just keep things as-is. She wants the convenience of a M without having to give you any of the perks. You've got to ask yourself if that's acceptable to you though.

[arsh18]

IMHO, GAL can be anything, it is just about not sitting around waiting for WAS to do something or sitting around anticipating their moods. You can do stuff around the house, just make sure she is not in the same room. Try meetup.com I am actually finding quite a few things there. With the weather so good, just be outside, while you are saying take a hike in your head to WW, you can actually do this literally for your GAL.
My Ds are 3 and 8 months, you can imagine how GAL would work for me, but I basically stay away from home how much ever I can at the park, shops, play dates whatever keeps me away. We all GAL with whatever our current life allows us. -arshi

[Dtrmned]

Good Morning All!
Nothing really new to report. Again, my W is struggling. Don't know if it is health related (always an issue) or MR related or kid related or something else. Just that she is very distant this week and I can feel it. She did cook us a nice dinner last evening and made a point to come and find me when it was ready so there was that. She is way shorter in her answer to answer queries I have to her regarding anything. She doesn't want to talk about anything right now, let alone finances (lord forbid!). But she makes sure to leave any "pertinent" bills out where I can see them. For the moment, I have just put them back in her pile. If she wants to discuss, I am open to do that, but just leaving them for me and expecting me to blindly take care of them to me is not acceptable. Woke up this morning as usual, early to get a workout in prior to work. My D is grounded in her room, no electronics, etc. and I am SO proud of her for being strong. W did take her to the library and she got about 10 book to read. I love my kids so much more when they don't have their electronic distractions. Their personalities come out more, they interact with each other (and us if my D liked me right now) and it just seems to lift the air in the home. Despite the grounding part, I walked out of my room this morning and as always check on both S and D in their rooms prior to heading to the workout room. To my great surprise, my S was sleeping on the floor in my D's room. They just ended up reading together and he fell asleep in there. I realize this is my D looking for any kind of connection, but it touched my heart that they are leaning on each other and my S is the sweetest person in the world. He loves his sister so much. My heart jumped with joy as they were still sleeping and I enjoyed the moment of knowing they are connecting through my D's punishment. I cannot show weakness and have to stand my ground and enforce the rules as the parent. I kind of let this one slide and enjoyed the moment since no one else saw it. Also made me very sad for our family at the same time. I don't know why. Maybe self pity as I have to be the disciplinarian and cannot, at the moment, be included.

AS, I must have read your post 5 times yesterday. Realizing more and more that I probably repulse her every moment is so confusing to me. DB'ing again is so contradictory to what you feel you should be doing. I want to reach out, hold her, talk to her, all of those things, but I know those are cheeseless tunnels and would be me either absolutely nothing, or worse, move things further backward. I see many paths to an R in my head (I know this is wrong, but I can't help it some days). I also know that it does take 2 and at this moment, it will take her to realize our MR and our family is the best options for all of us. The pressure is building day by day, moment by moment. School is coming up and that means new clothes, supplies, activity fees, time, etc. that we don't have at the moment. I don't know if she even sees this at all or is just wanting to be delusional and push it all away or just doesn't care at the moment.

An observation I'd like some input on. Her health issues are huge. We have dealt with them for a decade and they are not made up. Weird thing is that over the last 3 months since we changed insurance plans, she has pretty much ceased going to the dr. She had one (of many) dr. appointments yesterday. This has been scheduled and rescheduled this will be the 3rd time now. I got home and asked her how it went. She said she didn't feel like it and rescheduled again. She used to have 3-4 dr appointments a month. Is she just giving up? Did she really need it before (again I've seen the tests and been in on a majority of the appointments so they are not minor and definitely not hypocondriac stuff.

But, if she can just blow them off, stop taking some of her medications and not "worry" or deal with her issues, are they really issues?

VERY confused! I know vacations are definitely not advised in these situations, but I would love just to get away to a cabin, hike, fish and just be out of the rat race for a week with my family. No electronics, board games, maybe a few movies, campfires, smores, fishing and just clean family fun. Not the 5 star room service catered vacation, just an old fashioned all alone family trip. Or just a road trip driving each day or 2 to a new monument, park or area that we can explore. Nothing over expensive, just time spent together to build memories.

School is a little over a month away so not much time. I know this is my own head, but I feel the pressure cooker beginning to build and at some point the steam has to be let out.

I was pleasant and interactive with my W this morning prior to leaving. She was as pleasant as she could be as she is not a morning person. And AS, I am truly contemplating your last sentence if this is acceptable to me, and if it is presently, how long it will be.

I am not angry nor am I depressed today. I little down seeing my children connect and knowing that things may be that one day I won't be around to see it all the time. I am thankful that they are relying on each other through this and I am going to do all I can to ensure that they will always know that I am there for them throughout my life.

[Davide]

JustSad,

That description of your kids sleeping was beautiful. Appreciate those moments as they are priceless.

Thanks for sharing!