You already know this, but your W is the WORST when it comes to follow-through! I would just put it out of your mind. I doubt she will lift a finger to make that talk happen.
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2) Is my W just blowing smoke? Cake eating? Both or something different?
She's doing both. She's also all talk and no action.
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3) Do I need to detach more by not interacting with her more and more?
Definitely. And no more temp checks!
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4) How do I handle the accusations, proclamations, and seemingly endless frustrating conversations than end up in her stating she is moving forward and then nothing ever happening?
By not participating in the conversations. Just listen and validate, that's it. "I hear you saying you want out and are ready to push forward, I am sorry to hear you feel that way but I will not interfere with your plans." Always emphasize they are HER plans. If she asks why you are not taking action then remind her that YOU are standing for the M, SHE is the one that wants out and any work to that end is HER responsibility. There's a big difference between not interfering and assisting. Do the former, not the latter!
Thanks AS. I knew right when I let it come out that the temp check was a set back for me. Whether it was for her or not does not matter. It was just me knowing that I let it happen and I should have known and done better. AND I appreciate the insight on validating her desires but re-iterating that these are her plans/choices and that I am committed to our marriage. I have done well on that. She says I am dragging my feet, but there is nothing I am dragging on since she moves nothing forward.
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
W: I just wanted to let you know I called a couple of attorneys today.
Me: Ok, I appreciate you letting me know. What is your plan?
W: I don't know yet. I just need to get something moving.
Me: I feel your frustration.
W: I didn't make an appointment, but felt I needed to let you know.
Me: Thank you. Have things changed?
W: What do you mean?
Me: We had agreed to go to mediation first and hopefully not involve lawyers.
W: You seem to be dragging and holding everything up. I need to move on.
Me: I haven't been holding anything up. If you want to schedule a mediation appt, please let me know when it is.
W: No one will call me back. I don't think there is a good one here in our city.
Me: Seems strange that no one would want to schedule us in.
W: I know right!
Me: You know how I feel, that I don't want to divorce, but I will not stand in your way. I don't know why you would want to involve attorneys and pay them all a bunch of money that neither of us have.
W: I'm just done.
Me: As I said, I feel your frustration. What do you want to do?
W: I don't know. I just have to do something. I'll let you know and I have to go for now.
WHAT do I do with this????????????????????????
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
Nothing. You handled the convo perfectly. The ball is still in her court, let her do all the work. Honestly I think she was threatening you with a L in the hopes that YOU would take control of mediation (IE, lesser of two evils). Based on all your posts I just can't imagine her actually doing any heavy lifting on this though.
I felt like that was what she was doing. Baiting me in. Just hate that I have no idea where it is going to come from next. What angle of attack will she take next? It did take a lot to keep it under control. Glad it was on the phone instead of in person. I was able to keep a calmer head about myself.
Realizing this is my present and who knows what my future holds really is not welcome! I will keep GAL. She will only see me as the lighthouse and I will be the rock for everyone!
Keeping faith and hope alive through all of this. I read a lot of other people's stories on here and I feel for each and every one of them. I know even though I have to go through this alone, that I am not alone in this world and there is happiness out there for all of us. I choose to do everything I can to save my MR. I will not give up, ever!
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
There is no mediator where you live, give me a break. She just is messing with you JS, seems to be scared that you are letting her go so trying to instill fear in you. Great job on validating, dust it off and keep moving on
Nothing. You handled the convo perfectly. The ball is still in her court, let her do all the work. Honestly I think she was threatening you with a L in the hopes that YOU would take control of mediation (IE, lesser of two evils). Based on all your posts I just can't imagine her actually doing any heavy lifting on this though.
JS, I was about to scroll down and type out a message almost verbatim to what AS said here. Good job on handling that call. Your W is stuck in the delusion of action. She continues to try to get you to take over the D by doing as little as possible herself. Not following up with mediation. Calling lawyers but not making appointments. This is all meant as a way to say "I'm done, so you should follow up on all of this for me." She was obviously looking for a reaction from you. More than likely the contacting lawyers was likely her trying to scare you into taking over and scheduling mediation.
As AS said, what we know of her history, this will likely go no where. Have you handled most of the logistics in your MR up to this point?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Wrote a very long, heartfelt, insightful post. It disappeared so I'm just going to summarize which will probably delight all of you that it won't be so long!
Boils down to what ALL of you have been telling me from day 1. Patience and time are the key. Do not react, overreact, plan, plot, or do anything outside of DB'ing. You will not be perfect. You will make mistakes. You cannot lose your resolve. Your W is very confused, scared and unsure about her future. I can only control my actions.
Shame the post disappeared, it was really good. I love that I was just able to get it out, write the thoughts down though.
Today is another day. Sun is shining and at present, my family is still "together" in the same home.
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
W made a nice family dinner last evening and we all sat down at ate together. NOT something we do much of at all. A lot of it due to summer, head, kids playing, etc. Some due to W's health issues and her not wanting to cook or eat as sometimes food smells just make her queezy. But it was very nice. I didn't go out of my way or make a big deal, but I did thank her for the meal. She knows what everyone likes and kind even though it was simple, made sure everyone had on their plate what they liked.
Later in the week is when I always get worried that something will happen prior to the weekend. I feel that she feels pressure since we have a couple of days together and she has to "accomplish" something to push her agenda forward. I am focusing on GAL, 180's and db'ing. I am concentrating very much on not being around her as much when I am at home. Moving from room to room. Not "avoiding" her, but not puppy dogging around her either. I am also controlling my impulse to glance in her direction and also kicking the pedestal that I put her on out of the way and seeing her just as a person, the house guest, the cashier, etc. Anything but the woman I love, my W and the mother of our children. I know this is way more for myself and a great part of the detachment process.
Not much else going on. I am reading and following other's posts on here and gaining some very valuable insight. There is some really great information here.
Oh, got a high 5 from my D yesterday and some just silly conversation. Loved every word and moment of it!
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
JS, sounds like you're getting the hang of things.
I liked the post on time and patience. I've used this analogy before. It is like Andy Dufresne in The Shawshank Redemption. He chiseled his tunnel to freedom one handful of rubble at a time. He could have easily become discouraged and given up. Progress (it took 20 years) was slow. He could have become greedy and gotten caught (if he had tried to speed it up by doing more than a handful at a time).
No, his path forward was patience. And time. Patience to stick to the plan. Time to let the plan work. He kept the long-term goal in mind....freedom.
And then even after 20 years of being patient and letting time pass, he still had to crawl through 500 yards of filth and crap to get to freedom.
Andy Dufresne's journey to freedom is very similar to LBS's journey through their sitch....but freedom, one way or the other, rests on the other side.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
