My WAS - looking help and thanks in advance PART 3

[artista]

This morning she comes in the MBR and wants to "try" and "work on us". I didn't cave so easily this time and said we need to do counseling, you need to be prepared to face my friends and family, there's going to be a lot of work and are you ready for all that. Are you going to call me later today and back out?

Well now, here we are...I guess I can go reread the DB chapters for people who aren't in the LRT, right? Or how do I handle from here?

she is wishy washy... "do not believe anything she says and only half of what she does," applies here... do not give in to her just because she says she wants to "try." keep your boundaries... keep detaching and keep GAL... until she truly shows you, proves to you that she is serious about working on the M, and that means absolutely no OM in any way, shape or form... no slowly letting go of him... no "one more meeting," with him... no "we are just friends communication" with him... NADA... until she demonstrates that she is sincere in her efforts, keep behaving like she is in an A... mis dos centavos...

--artista

[Vanilla]

I just loathe that word "try".

Weasel word.

V

[ovrrnbw]

Thanks for keeping me grounded you guys.

W is all over the place.

Wanted to go to the lake with me, now wants to go out of town to visit her sister by herself.

I asked if she told OM what she's doing. She said yes. I asked what she said. She told me she doesn't have to tell me everything. I suggested sleeping in separate beds.

Woke up early and fix something small on the car she'll be driving that she told me about last week.

Expectations are zilch. We'll see what happens.

[OrangeK]

Wanted to go to the lake with me, now wants to go out of town to visit her sister by herself.

So let her. you dont care.

I asked if she told OM what she's doing.

WHHYYYY!!????
Dude, dont do that again, dont bring up OM, ask about him, or anything.
Acknowledging his existence, CERTAINLY if shes still living at home and in MBR.
That's a One way express ticket to The Friend Zone.
Set your boundaries and stick to them.

She said yes. I asked what she said. She told me she doesn't have to tell me everything. I suggested sleeping in separate beds.

This shows she has ZERO respect for you, dont suggest, DEMAND separate sleeping.
You enjoy sleeping with a cheater?
do you like being beholden to an adulterer?[/quote]

Woke up early and fix something small on the car she'll be driving that she told me about last week.

Expectations are zilch. We'll see what happens.

Again. Why?
Let OM fix her damn car, or she can pay a mechanic. Not your responsibility anymore. She bailed.
she chose to walk out on the vows and partnership, which means she doesnt get to expect you do to JACK for her.
Stop being a doormat, and cut the NGS stuff OVRN

Be a warrior.

[Gordie]

Agree with orange

Right now your w is another man s girlfriend

Stop doing stuff for her

[NicoleR]

Overrnbow, there must be some process these spouses go through where they go back-and-forth between what to do. It's still great yours is showing signs of wanting to reconcile but it seems a lot more has to happen on her end to convince you. I believe that by being tough and strong right at this time it will accelerate her decision to come back. It's so hard to avoid doing nice things or feeling so happy when the spouse starts talking about coming back. But then if they're still in that other relationship they'll just take advantage of your kind gestures. It's so unfair. It's still good news though that your wife may be nearing a turning point. I hope she thinks hard and deep right now about her choices.

[ovrrnbw]

Orange, Gordie. There's been a couple of updates that you may have missed.

I did "let her" go to see her sister. In fact, you worded it from a position of control, which I never mentioned I had (control) and don't pretend to have.

I'm not going to let her come back into the MBR if she is still seeing the OM, which when I asked her if she told OM what she's doing that meant did she tell him she was done with OM and working on her marriage. I'm not going to "hang out" or "date" her if the OM is still around. Maybe this wasn't clear before - this is my boundary.

Up until this week, she'd been staying with OM 5 or 6 nights a week. On the nights she did stay, we hadn't been sleeping in the same bed except once or twice here and there. She stayed home 3 nights in a row this week in a spare bedroom. This is a big change, not that it means everything is hunky dory.

Me suggesting sleeping in separate beds is relevant b/c it was our first night since she said she wanted to "try" and she expected to be a brat and still get to sleep in the MBR with me. This was boundary enforcement.

I woke up early to fix the car b/c it's my car, I like fixing [censored], and b/c I said I would.

[NicoleR]

Ovrrynbow, one other thought comes to mind. If the other man ends the relationship with your wife, or they're having problems and she's starting to think he'll bail, she might choose to come back to you by default but she'll still have feelings for the other man and would go back to him if he offers her another chance. She's obviously not at that point yet, but if she does come back and start working on the marriage again it's important to somehow independently verify if she ended the relationship or if he did. I now know my husband was dumped by his first affair partner which is probably one reason why he came back so quickly the first time (and probably dumped by his second affair partner which is why he didn't file for divorce). One other concern is if your wife is only 27 this is not good. At that age many, if not the majority, of people are still unmarried. There are a lot of temptations out there if she's not ready to settle down. So it sounds like she needs to grow up and learn what it means to be married and honor marriage vows. I hope she'll learn this lesson so you and she can have a strong marriage before having kids or reaching other important milestones.

[Gordie]

I misinterpreted the talk to OM part

Good news for you

Be very very patient

I think many of us expect this awesome return with no looking back

With fireworks and apologies and wild sex

And maybe that happens to some

But for most it is very very very slow and non linear

Lots of damage has been done

Lots of work to do

And both parties need to want to do it

No shortcut

[arsh18]

Ovrrnbw, reading thru I think your sitch is improving but it is not going to have a dramatic overnight change. She has doubts in her heart that does not mean R. I like Gordie's advice to you. No R talks and be very patient. - arshi