I have merged your two threads together. You only had 27 postings/replies on your original thread. Our general rule is to have 100 postings/replies before starting a new thread. You an change your title within a thread at any time.
Playing hard ball will get you no where. Yea, it might make you feel better to act this way, but at the end of the day, the crisis person is going to do whatever it is they need to do to make themselves feel better.
I would look within myself and ask, are there any things that I need to change for myself to make me a better person? If there are, start there and make the changes for YOU, not to get your crisis person to wake up.
Their clocks are very, very slow, unlike ours. It has taken years for them to get where they are today and it's going to take some time for them to work through those childhood issues, learn to accept the things that they weren't responsible for and come to understand that they were children and couldn't do a thing about whatever happened and learn to accept that they are good people and have people who love them in the here and now.
Dig deeper for patience, compassion and understanding.
Last edited by job; 07/24/1805:31 PM. Reason: advised Trevor as to why I merged the two threads
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I wanted to jump in and agree with what others are saying. All the things you need to be working on now are things to improve yourself. Nothing you will do can bring her out of it, but there are plenty of things you can do to prolong her progress. This of course is something that you will have to figure out...much like her stuff is what she needs to figure out. As much as we will tell you to detach and get a life and focus on being a better you, somewhere inside you most likely will put that off until the realization of its truth hits you like a light bulb. Her stuff is the same way. You can do all you can to try and change her path, but she needs to figure hers out too. Right now you are on separate journeys and there really isn't anything you can do to change that fact. Its hard and it hurts, but those are the cards we were dealt.
Just keep posting, asking questions, and venting. We are all here to support you and guide you the best that we can. We are all in this thing together so lean on us when you need to. There are many very insightful people on here that blow me away with their advice and suggestions.
Thanks, Gerda, job and sjohns6. As always, sage advice.
I should clarify that I wasn't really thinking of adopting a hardball strategy. I'm more wondering about making a decision to take my son to the city. I'm considering doing so to remove myself from the situation (having this happen right in front of me in this small town is rough). But I don't want to leave my son with my wife because I think he would end up meeting the OM much sooner. And a man who can take advantage of a vulnerable married woman--when he has nothing to lose and she has everything to lose--is not the kind of man I want in my son's life. So this is more about protecting myself and my son than it is about trying to affect my W. But she's already rejected the idea, so I look at my doing it over her objections as playing hardball.
My guess, based on what everyone is saying, is that it won't change a thing. If that's true, great. I'm just worried that she might view it as punishment, even though I gave her the reasons mentioned above. Of course, she defended the OM as the embodiment of noble man, but that's just the fog talking.
I do agree with everyone on anything you do won’t change a thing. In the way that the eventual outcome will still be the same. But as Gerda and others said you can do things to prolong her time in the tunnel.
Moving your son away to the city, legal ramifications aside, will look like punishment to her. That might just provide a new and long lasting source of justification for her feelings towards you.
Trying to reason with an MLCer is pointless. They are irrational and are incapable of seeing things clearly. Do not attack the OM! She must defend him. She will spend enormous energies to preserve her fantasy life, removing anyone who speaks against it. It has to fail by her or his hand, not your’s. She needs to learn.
I painful realization about OM. He is unfortunately a significant person in your W’s life right now. That could last for some time. That makes OM potentially a person of significance in your son’s life. Sorry about this. It took a while for me to come to grips with that. Once you do you will be able to ignore OM easier, for you son’s sake.
I have never spoke about OM with her. S17 told her what he felt, so many months ago, and she still barely speaks to him. He is the worse treated of all the kids.
Her new fantasy life, ideas, replay behaviour needs to run its course. Best to stay out of the way. She needs to crash her own train. She needs to have the sole responsibility for her actions. She needs space and time to get there.
As sjohns6 said detaching, focus on yourself and kids, gal, etc... all great advice and it does take a while until it hits you and you see. Make changes for you.
You are asking really good questions and looking for understanding. That is good and you are doing fine. Hang in there.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
