Kiro - It really shows the state of the world- when not too too long ago in previous generations the church was often the biggest and most visible structure. You can see in many small communities the church's rooftop and cross obviously visibly protruding from the distance. Now that our focus is Money and Self Satisfaction(having a me first attitude). You see the biggest structures are now the banks, trust companies and all the money making venture capital organizations. Do not get me wrong- I am aware that the church also has a financial side. My point here is when we took our focus off God and put it on Us( how can I become richer and more successful)- this adds to the downfall of society and family values.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Waywardness is rebellion. It's turning away from conforming to what is seen as right and proper. IMHO, it starts with disappointments and resentment toward the spouse/marriage that was never fully resolved. It's pushed down into the heart and the person just tries to go on, but that resentment grows. For a woman, her sexual desire is tied to her level of respect for her H. She needs to feel a certain admiration for him. Disrespect kills her attraction. Resentment toward her H can breed disrespect, and it will kill her attraction or sexual desire for him. These are the early seeds that form the foundation for a wayward mindset. Some women turn to something that feeds their emotional needs.....albeit the source is usually very shallow and unrealistic. But that's the thing.......it's not real (like reading romance novels, watching movies, etc.). They begin to form a certain fantasy. This fantasy actually makes their reality even harder, b/c they compare it to the fantasy.
Eventually, she rebels in some fashion. It may be in a small way or drastically......but she rebels against her H, and blames him for the unhappiness in her life. I believe at some point she steps over a line where she compromises her moral integrity. Once this happens, it gets easier to make another step.....and another. Her emotions respond to something that feels really good.......and she becomes addicted. She begins operating out of her emotions. Everything is decided on how she feels in the moment. Her sense of entitlement grows at a rapid pace. She goes after whatever gives her a thrill or feeds her ego. Her logic and sense of reasoning goes out the door.
I think with some WW's their spiritual practices or faith falls by the wayside, much like their moral values and practices. Anything that is contrary to what they are currently seeking, is often left behind. The same is true about their parents and siblings, old friends, former circles, etc. If they are against her decisions and actions, she forsakes them in her pursuit to find "happiness".
The H';s attempt to win her back in the traditional sense (date night, sending flowers, smothering her with attentiveness, buying gifts, doing acts of service, etc.), simply do not work with a wayward W. This is where some of the books, articles, and forums fail, b/c they are giving advice for those cases where the W still loves her H. The wayward wife doesn't feel love for her H, and she is full of anger and disgust. The more he pursues her, the more disgusted she gets with him and feels she has to show him the M is over. Therefore, she treats him worse. Even in MWD's books, she says the spouse has to be willing save the M. Unfortunately, "willing" is not part of the WW's vocabulary. She is filled with stubborn pride, anger, and rebellion.
The good news is that she can change. If she is faced with the right consequences due to her bad decisions, it can open her eyes to realize what her bad decisions have cost. I won't say every WW will turn back to the M, b/c some WW's wait too long and make changes they can't undo. However, they can stop their wayward behavior. They can find their way back to their faith. Most loved ones will accept them back. It is their choice.......just as it always was. Waywardness is not a disease. It is not forced on anyone. It is an act of free volition.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you Sandi for this detailed description. It's great to remind us what this really is when we start going off track into unrelated ground. What you have described is a very accurate description of my W.
I know what love is for me, but could you please elaborate what that means for a woman. You say that a WW feels no love for her H. For me, love is a choice. It's an action and a verb more than a feeling. The feeling of love changes all the time. Depending on what I do, what I think or depending on my sexual desire, my feeling of love goes up or goes down. Even now, I think I can trigger love to my W when I want by thinking certain things. And I can make it disappear completely by thinking other things or following the detachment rules for example.
So what is it for women and especially for WWs? How is it related to sexual desire and to attractiveness?
When you say that some WW can change. How would that start usually?
I'm not looking to change anything, but I am curious. Maybe even that information could help me in a future relationship to avoid similar mistakes and catch things earlier on.
Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14 BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017 Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
Im guessing you haven't had a chance to read about my situation yet, but you mention that some WW's take too long and also make changes they can't undo. How do you know when its been too long? What are those changes? My W has been talking to OM for at least a year and a half. They are deep into a PA and EA that my W has no intention of stopping. My S and I rarely know her whereabouts many nights(well I have a good idea). She has done some shady things over this period of time, that I would have never imagined her doing.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
