my WW has no dating profile that I have ever seen or known about (that was in Steve's post though). She does feel sorry for herself, most of her remorse is self centered as is most of her focus in our talks.
I do need to hold firm on my boundaries. Say something like "Sorry W, I'd love to discuss that with you but I cannot as you are still seeing OM."
Steve,
thanks for sharing that story. My biggest takeaway from that is to continue detaching and dropping the rope. She said things are crazy in her head - her head literally hurt trying to figure this all out and she complained about it several times. She described it as "being in a tornado". So I need to be the calm one, sure about myself and my boundaries. Letting go, made me strong inside, and after yesterday I am softer. I need to get strong and continue with dropping the rope and not tying my happiness to her crazy ass feelings.
AS,
my response was to validate and then talk her out of it. I spent way too much time doing that when I should have just validated, left at that, and got back to my day as if it were nothing. I hope to make a lesson out of it and not a habit.
Now for today: I texted her in the morning about her expressing some puling back that I was going to do and disappointment on my part. She started blowing up my phone with calls and texts. Some sad, some mad, some explanations. Then some truth about her feelings being all over the place and how she can't control them. And how she isn't strong right now and that she wants me to understand.
Then we talked on the phone, I validated her feelings. She asked and I told her what my day looks like and what stops I was making (including one at our favorite lunch place since I was going to be in the city). She calls back later saying her lunch plans fell through and can she come with me. I said yes, and she met me at my office. It was pretty ok, light talks for the probably half the time but she asked about my sister and me and Mom and the lake and Dad too. I told her Mom knows and she kinda cried.
After lunch she said "do you want to try with me bc you care about me or just bc of your vows?" And I said no, "not bc of my vows". And I asked her the same question and she answered the same. We both cried a little and held hands for the rest of the ride. Then I asked "that doesn't mean you want to try with me though right? And she didn't say she did want to try. We talked a little more and I just kept validating her feelings and not trying to convince to go against them. She is scared of getting hurt being with me (that's what she said anyways).
When we got back to my office I said I saw you were looking at VRBO’s (condo rentals) and what was that about? And she said she kinda wants to go (to Florida)… We talked for a minute I said goodbye and went to walk in the office, she asked for a hug so I gave her one. She held on for a while. Now she’s at OM’s apt. I’m prepared to hear how dumb I am.
I think I need to: 1. Shutup 2. Stop pursuit again 3. Listen, validate (except BS) 4. Firm up boundaries. 5. Remain distant/unavailable for phone and text
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I'm going to keep this one short. She held hands with you all day, then went by the OM house. Do you think she went over there to hold hands with him?
She USED to try and clear up her guilt, find a way not to commit and keep you on her hook and all it took was her holding your hand. Stop going on rides with her, just ✋, step back and look at your Sitch objectively. You told her, "I cant discuss blah blah with you seeing if you are with the OM". Soon as she call, you drop your boundary. IMO, on this day, you were weak and unattractive. You are her PLANB
I know it's hard, but you are going to have to pull yourself out of this misery.
She has three choices:
A. Move on from you and stay with OM B. Move on from OM and stay with you C. Move on from both of you
At the moment all three options are to painful for her and she want her cake. But guess what, you control two options. B and C. Her worst nightmare at The moment is being left with on option. You control B & C!
And once you declare a boundary, you must stick to it. If not you lose all control.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
So when she is nice and crying and holding your hand and sharing her feelings it is really hard to detach
But the advice I got here and had to keep remembering is
she dumped you as H and right now is OM s GF
Once my w broke up with her OM then I started listening to her again
This is extremely difficult
bro hugs for you
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I decided to post b/c I feel crappy doing the "right thing", at least as far as DB'ing.
Let me explain...
I talked Friday about boundaries, and then Saturday I pussed out and hung out with WW. Then she left and stayed elsewhere. *2x4 to my own head*
So I spent Saturday night and all day Sunday GAL. I realized actions speak louder than words and thought to myself "toughen up, buttercup".
WW starts calling and texting this morning, 5 texts and 5 calls in a couple of hours. I finally answer, she wants to "try to hangout tonight" (Note: this doesn't mean try on R). I stayed firm on the boundary. She kept asking saying she wanted to see how it goes to see if we can work out in a potential R. And I said I don't know how we (or anyone) can work on their R with a 3rd person in the mix. She got all sad and tried explaining it through her confusion and stuff like that. She didn't want to say goodbye back to me, but I needed to get back to work so I said goodbye and hung up.
So it feels crappy b/c I really, deep down want to hang out with her. And obviously I want more than that. I want everything a MR is supposed to be.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
ovrrnw, your choice appears to DB and push through the "crappy" feeling while doing it. OR, you can become her friend for life.
Personally I'd opt for the 1st over the 2nd. Even if that meant eventually we aren't together.
You can't nice her back. You can't friend her back. You can't hang with her back. There may come a time when she decides that she wants to R, and that you decide hanging is one of the ways to make that happen. Until then she is trying to have her cake and eat it too.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I told WW sorry I couldn't hang out with you last night but it seems like your mad about it. She says we could have still talked but you didn't come home til 9:30 (I was GAL) and that she wasn't mad. I told her I didn't know if she'd be home and that I had to stand up for what I think is right (no hanging out w/ OM still around).
I asked if she was going to "go with her gut" for the rest of her life (this is her excuse for jumping from me to OM). She said something about not planning things out, I asked if she was going to be home tonight. She said no, I said that sounds like you planned that out. I feel deceived, but didn't say that.
Now, this morning she texts me saying "It's fine u didn't wanna hangout last night. Don't worry about it". Well, yea, we discussed that earlier.
Then she texts again about another thing, then texts "??", then my name with a "...".
I think she is stomping her feet at not getting me to do what she wanted.
Advice or thoughts?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
you stated your boundary, stick to it. Shes getting frustrated you didn't jump at every text. Leave it alone. Let her come to you. Like was said on an earlier post on your thread by JoeJoe.
"She has three choices:
A. Move on from you and stay with OM B. Move on from OM and stay with you C. Move on from both of you"
you stated that OM needs to be out of the picture. Let her choose between the three options. Option B is your boundary. Enforce it.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
You still feel attached and trying to interpret what every word and text and move mean
So how to get there from here
Turn off your phone when you are at work or engaged or just do not want to be bothered
She she asks why did you not call me back
Then you can honestly say you were busy and did not get her call
And then get busy so busy you are not obsessed with her every move
Remember your boundaries
Your actions will speak louder than words
But do not hesitate to repeat if necessary calmly and confidently
I do not want to be in a three way R
No more needs to be said
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
actions and attitudes mean more than words. My priest was giving me a lot of honest feedback last night and it was good to hear. I felt stronger afterwords. I think W picks up on that.
W called while I was on my way to meet him and was like "do you want to skip that and come hang out/talk to me". I said no, but maybe after that we can talk.
We got food and talked, the truth made her cry a lot. Oh well, it had that effect on me but I got over/used to it a while back.
Got home and talked more, then I told her that I don't mind talking to her but I have things I need too but that I was going to bed.
She came in the MBR and said she wanted to sleep in there. I said "are you mine, or someone else's"? She didn't want to answer so I said there's your answer, go sleep in the other bedroom.
This morning she comes in the MBR and wants to "try" and "work on us". I didn't cave so easily this time and said we need to do counseling, you need to be prepared to face my friends and family, there's going to be a lot of work and are you ready for all that. Are you going to call me later today and back out?
Well now, here we are...I guess I can go reread the DB chapters for people who aren't in the LRT, right? Or how do I handle from here?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Overnbow, I'm really happy to read this. All I can say is I've been through this once already and I said the same things about counseling and a lot of work etc.. and my husband said yes, he'd do anything and can't live without his family. Guess what? He didn't put in the work. So I guess you need to go in stages and not offer a complete yes or no, or make it conditional upon simply going to counseling, but rather on her actions to restore your trust and rebuild the marriage. I think the burden should be on her. You can state what you need to see happen to give her another chance but I wouldn't be too quick to offer that second chance. Perhaps you can say it depends. You and your wife are young and this just happened recently so it seems it can be fixed, but you and your wife still have a long life and future ahead of you. If you let this slide too easily it will teach her she can do it again and still get away with it, so there's a lot to consider. It seems you can say how you'd love to make it work and try again but you're not sure until she really proves that she wants that too. In any case it's great news and you're getting the second chance that many dream to have!
