WW having affair and pushing for divorce

[SteveLW]

DB, I came over to your thread due to your posts in mine. Obviously there are a lot of details that you haven't shared, but you shared enough for me to at least give you some things to think about.

First, I am anti-divorce. I am anti-divorce just based on personal preference, because families in my mind should stay together. I am anti-divorce due to my religious beliefs, because God hates D and his plan from the beginning was one man and one woman for life. I am anti-divorce for societal reasons, because many of our problems in society are directly and indirectly related to divorce.

However, when a PA is involved all bets are off. First, I still prefer that families stay together, but for many a PA is a bridge too far. For some there is no coming back from that. I think I would struggle with taking my W back if she ever physically cheated. Second, God gives that one caveat on divorce in the NT "except for fornication". And third, while society is impacted by so many divorces, again, PAs are so destructive and damaging that the same societal problems can occur from adultery even if the marriage were to be saved.

DB I say all that to say that NO ONE could blame you for going right now, securing a lawyer, and filing for D with her being at-fault for adultery. I live in a state where that is no longer an option. There is no-fault D, and there isn't even an option for filing for D with cause. It can be stated in the No Fault D that one spouse claimed the other cheated, but in states where at-fault D's for cause can be filed I encourage the victim of adultery to explore it and have it ready as an option.

However, i would caution you against doing it for expediency. When it comes to DBing, slow and steady wins the race. I would never encourage you to file before you've done the work to prepare yourself. GAL. 180s. Detaching. All of those things must be done and must be your priority. If once you do this work you fill you should file for D, I think in your sitch you are FULLY justified.

It could be that as you do that work, that your WAW may take notice and come to her senses. That is always the hope.

[DB346]

This is exactly what I'm struggling with. I am every bit as anti-D as you are, but I always thought PA was a hard boundary for me. However, the more I search for God's guidance on recovering from infidelity I am constantly led to God's desire for us to reconcile.

I know I am not truly ready for a D, but that may just be me still struggling with attachment since it's not been quite 3 months since BD. I'm just unsure whether I truly want her back or if I'm just afraid of letting go.

[SteveLW]

This is exactly what I'm struggling with. I am every bit as anti-D as you are, but I always thought PA was a hard boundary for me. However, the more I search for God's guidance on recovering from infidelity I am constantly led to God's desire for us to reconcile.

I know I am not truly ready for a D, but that may just be me still struggling with attachment since it's not been quite 3 months since BD. I'm just unsure whether I truly want her back or if I'm just afraid of letting go.

Probably both. And there is NOTHING wrong with working through that. I think God's desire would be for you both to reconcile. But he won't hold it against you due to her infidelity to not reconcile. She will be judged for what she has done, however.

[DB346]

The thing is, after talking to her the other night I am concerned for her. I mean, believe nothing they say and half of what they do, right? But, besides telling me that she has no regrets, she made a comment that it was like God brought him to her. I had to stop and tell her not to blame her A on God. But, to me this was just an indication of how far gone she is. She tried to reason that it's not an A because there was no physical contact of any kind before she moved out, just 100+ text messages back and forth for the 3-4 months before that. I know the A will fall apart, and she is setting herself up for a lot of pain. I mean, does she actually think she has a future with a guy that would pursue a married woman and help destroy her family? If the fog starts to clear at all, she is going to be hurting, and I hate that for her, but it's not my problem to solve.

She's holding on to every tiny thing I have ever done wrong in the last 14+ years and has so much resentment toward me. A lot of them are valid, a lot aren't. I just have to figure out how to stop wanting to fix her or save her and figure out how to save myself.

[SteveLW]

DB, you have the right attitude even if you aren't there yet.

Everything you said she is saying and doing, the rationalizations, the holding your mistakes over your head, this is all playbook for WAWs. This is how they ease their guilt. The "God sent him" is to try to make what she is doing is right. The "it isn't an A because we weren't physical until I moved out" is all her trying to convince herself that what she is doing isn't wrong.

Deep down she knows better. And so does everyone else. The fog is thick over her eyes, but you are right to focus on trying to save yourself. Get yourself right. She'll either come to or she won't. But you WILL be fine. Trust God.

[DB346]

Thank you Steve. I appreciate the encouragement. I know that I logically know what I need to do, and I think that if we didn't have S7, I would have already just filed for the 'at-fault' divorce and resolved to push through the grieving process.

I just feel like I let her and S7 down by not realizing that I needed help for my depression sooner. It is hard to forgive myself for the pain I caused my family because I wasn't able recognize and deal with mine. Your post about the WAW building up to this over 2+ years definitely applies in our situation.

I am getting better constantly, and I've made huge changes in myself and my life already, but I am having so much trouble with seeing myself as ME and not seeing myself as her H, as part of US. One of the MANY books I've bought or read since BD is Codependent No More, and I need to start reading it. I definitely lost myself in our M, but I don't know if that was part of the contribution to my depression or if it was a symptom of my depression. I'm hoping IC will help me sort that out.

[DB346]

My wife is a beautiful woman. In fact in the last year and a half I helped her get started working out and she has gotten in great shape. I got a subscription for one of those beauty box things for Xmas 2016 and she started to get more in to makeup and her hair (I know some of this SHOULD have been a red flag at some point). She looks absolutely amazing. The problem with all of that, is that through our entire R, while I was always physically attracted to her, my attraction, and feelings of love for her were never about her looks. My attraction, connection and love for her was always about WHO she was. She has worked very hard to look great on the exterior, but she has lost what made her so amazing. I can look at her now and I see a beautiful woman, but I don't feel an attraction to her. I don't see the woman I love anymore.

While I believe I HAVE let her go, I'm starting to realize that I've let go of who she is NOW, but I'm struggling to let go of who she was. I'm in love with and struggling to let go of a ghost. I think this is one of the biggest reasons I am having trouble deciding whether I even want her to have a change of heart and come back. I've seen some posts here that indicate that once the WAW/WW change, they aren't ever the same person again. If that is true, I'm not sure I would even want to R.

[DB346]

I still had a 90 day refill available on the anti-depressants so I filled that today, hoping that it will help calm down the extreme lows I find myself in whenever my mind wanders to my W. I got the report today confirming the A, so if I wanted to file, I can do that. But, I just have a mental block against it. I just want to make sure I get joint custody of my son, and our state is heavily pro-mom, so if I do file, and she decides to fight instead of agreeing, I could end up only seeing my son every other weekend and a couple hours during the week when it's not my weekend, and that would absolutely kill me.

At the same time, she's moved on and it feels unfair that I should have to sit by and wait until nearly next summer to be able to even THINK about moving on. My faith and my personal convictions won't let me be with anyone else while I'm still married, even if SHE is. Why should I have to live through another anniversary, now that I know our last one was already a lie?

[arsh18]

Sorry about your sitch DB, it is classic WW behavior. Read up on so many other sitches here you will realize it’s all about her at this time. Focus on your job, your son and yourself. Don’t let depression get you. Your S needs you. How is she with your son? Is she still a good mother? - arshi

[DB346]

Thanks Arshi. No, she's NOT being a great mother right now. She spends virtually no time with our son since BD. Spends all her time with OM and will show back up at her mother's at or after his bedtime, at least on the nights she doesn't just stay at OM's apartment. With her parents apparently supporting her A and decision to tear our family apart I feel like I have to be the strong/sane parent. I'm trying my best, but I feel like I'm struggling just to get by right now.