I then offered to move us back if that's what she really wanted, but she said no.
Sounds simple, and it sounds petty, almost wordsmithing. Yet, much the same as a criticism, over time, it will once again, appear to be your fix for HER problems....
You are coming from an era of you being in the father figure role to her, so any subtle references to that are gonna be majorly amplified over time.
Maybe a simpler...
Is there anything that I can do, to help ease your day ??
Notice that there is no calling it homesick ?? ( you diagnosing her)
Yea, me either....
It will show her that you value HER opinion and decisions, instead of assuming what she may or may not want.
Referring to your other question a bit here...
One of the things that I ask now is...
Name one task that you would love to complete today, that you absolutely hate doing, and I will do it for you...
Then leave that up to her. You do it, no questions asked...
In time, it will come around to be your turn for that to happen.
We teach people how we want to be treated....
At the end of the day, you are still the same Steve that you have always been. It's just now up to you whether or not the new bag of tricks is permanent, or if they will fade in time.
I have seen many come through here with a reconciled relationship, only to fall back into old patterns and be right back here in a few months.
There are things, and issues that you will know how you want to handle them, yet they may not always be the best way to handle them. Issues that you should be working on together, and it would be super easy to take those reigns and run with them,.
You have spent the better part of the past year thinking of ways to better you, and your communication skills, and your relationship skills. She has spent that time trying to tear those things apart......
Think about that....
So while you are super focused on the present and future. In time, that will fade a bit.
She is super focused on whether or not the new Steve is a mirage to her....which will also fade in time, with consistent actions and words.
In your above post, you mentioned that you were too distracted to see the signs before bomb day. The razor edge is being too distracted the other way now, and losing sight of who you are within the relationship...
Do not sell you, just to be married. Too many people do that and find that the process is just too hard for them, and they end it. Remember Cadet telling the that the LBS has more control than they think that they have ???
Yep....that is what he is talking about.
While all of the things that you do and say are nice, there is also a small part of your independence that attracted her back...
Find that balance between the two....
I hope that this makes some sense to you, I keep getting interrupted...: )
IF.....you had a page on a large social media site, that had your posting name, and DB last name....
That might be superfly cool...jus sayin
So, take your time getting close again. There is no rush to define what is or isn't....
Mach thanks! I will reread your lastest post over a couple of times. Some really good, thought provoking things in there.
Interesting you talk about falling into old patterns. One of my big 180s was when she asked me to do a household chore that I didn't get passive-aggressive about. Prior to BD I would sigh heavily or make some demonstrative body language move to show her I was displeased with her request, as I went to do it.
Last night at the old house I did some long over due tree trimming. I then burned two brush piles that had built up over a long period of time (maybe as much as 3 years!).
Got home about 12:30am....exhausted. Sore. Stiff. I hadn't even eaten dinner (crouton I grabbed a bowl of cereal!). As I was walking to the kitchen she asked if I could do her a favor and switch the darks to from the washer to the dryer. I didn't feel like doing it, at all. I said in a very unmotivated way: "I guess". She said, "I guess? Never mind I'll do it." I said no, that I would and went and did it before getting my bowl of cereal.
That was the old Steve, in a moment of stress and fatigue letting down his guard and coming to the foreground, just like you warn about in your post. I then went in and told her I was sorry for answering the way I did......that it was just the pain and fatigue talking. It felt like a setback. Like you just said......she still doesn't trust the changes. Though I have been consistent for the last 8 months with my 180s, 8 months is a drop in the bucket for 21 years plus of history.
sandi's rule #37 is to not slip up and undo the hard earned changes. And while I think one incident didn't undo 8 months, it still did some damage. And now I need to get back up and start working again.
Quote
IF.....you had a page on a large social media site, that had your posting name, and DB last name....
That might be superfly cool...jus sayin
Not sure what you mean. I am not a huge fan of social media. Are you suggesting that I create a FB account so others from the board could interact with me? (I don't think discussing this is breaking any rules, but if it is Cadet, feel free to edit this post.)
Oh, and on the quote above. Yes, you are right. I slip back into Mr. Fixit for her sometimes. And you are right to call that out. I should have validated her feeling. Listened. Instead of offering a fix that both of us knew wasn't going to happen. (Though she did suggest that we might could make some money on the new place since we did get a pretty good deal on it.)
One of the 180s post BD was that when she got sentimental like this that I didn't tease her about it. That's what I did in the past. So I need to work on validating, not fixing! Teasing is bad, but trying to fix it, as you say, slips back into the parental role I had before that started to drive her away.
Thanks Mach. Even though things are progressing here, it is good to take stock. Thanks for pointing this out to me. One of the things I've learned is that we NEVER stop growing and learning. Especially in a MR. The minute you think you know everything, and have a handle on everything is the minute you start to get complacent......and the dominoes start to fall.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
S.....I have to ask. It sounds like you busted your azz with the brush piles. I assume she knew that?? I find it interesting she would make such a request knowing the state you where in. What if she would have came over, gave you a big hug and said.......honey,I know you are tired why don’t you take a shower and I’ll fix you something to eat?
It just seems kind of selfish on her part and exactly something that my ew would have done.
J9, I guess I left out that she was at the old house working too. She was inside, she had been doing a lot of detailed cleaning, and then shampooing the carpet. So it wasn't like she was sitting eating bonbons. Her and my D left about 10:30pm to head home.
She was feeling it to, and already in bed. I am not making excuses but it wasn't a situation that where the request was unreasonable.
I really like what Mach said about teaching people how you want to be treated. I like your hug and something to eat idea....but in the past if she asked if needed anything in those situation, I would have angrily snapped at her that I was fine and could get a bowl of cereal.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Ah...ok makes sense. If you feel like the request was reasonable then I understand. Did it initially upset you though when you got the request? I am only going deeper because I remember feeling similar ways with my EW before when I would come inside from mowing the yard, all hot an sweaty. It was never here honey, let me get you a drink of water...it was always wash hands, put your clothes in the washer, take your shoes off, etc. I felt like I never got any recognition for 1.5 hours I was out there busting my butt. I know it kind of touches on the love languages but if her initial question got to you I just would hate for you to gloss over it, apologize, but deep down inside you are wanting something more or different.
J9, actually I wasn't upset at her request. I just didn't feel like doing it. LOL
I can't complain on that front. My W is very attentive to me when I am working hard. She will brew fresh iced tea when she knows I am outside working hard. I came to the old house right from work to work outside and she had a cold water waiting for me in the fridge. She is very thoughtful along those lines.
I was hungry. Tired. And wanted to eat a bowl of cereal and go to bed. The request was reasonable but it impinged on my goal of eating and going to bed. I should have said, cheerfully, "sure!" and done it. Instead I responded in a way where she knew I wasn't thrilled. Slip up. It took 3 minutes and in the big scheme of things that was minor.
I have to remember that my mood, or state, is no excuse not to e cheerful and upbeat at all times. I want my 180s to be permanent, like Mach eluded to.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I think the fact that you were mindful enough even in that state of fatigue and hunger to quickly realize your slip speaks volumes about your 180's. Keep it up, you're exactly where I wish I was with DBing.
M: 40 W: 37 T: 20 MR: 13 S13, S9, S4 BD: 1/29/18 Sep: 4/23/18 (I moved out) 8/24/18 I come home, she moves out
If you want to get out of the hole, drop the shovel.
Steve, this hit home. The vacuum cleaner analogy describes H and I to a T. And I have been all that you describe, making my life all about him, taking for granted he will always be there, even telling him I would want to die first in old age because I cannot live without him. Old age, imagine that, we are not even 35 he is bailing out. I probably like most others thought that is what true love was. Our problem is that we never let our spouses be, we must have suffocated them with love. Although no person should ever discover all this about themselves through such a painful journey, there is definitely a lot to learn through this. As always I find your perspective very helpful- arshi
Just out of curiosity, what was her reaction when you went and apologized?
And hey, at least you hadn't already poured the cereal and milk when she asked... then it would have been soggy when you finished the laundry. I've heard, in certain circles, soggy cereal is considered a crime against humanity...
