My story. Advice needed

[equalzr]

How a woman can go out and be with another man and then come home to her husband at night like nothing is wrong completely mystifies me.

Think of it another way... 'what sort of person would want to date W when she is still sleeping in the same bed as her husband?' It would surely drive the OM nuts unless he doesn't care all that much and is just using her.

I found out she lies to him about certain things as well. Makes me sound like a complete loser. Dont think he has a clue she was telling me she wanted to fix marriage and that weve still been hanging out fr the most part. I've sacrificed and done so much for her and our family over the years. My guess is that she has told him we dont sleep together but just share the house and co-parent. I just cant believe someone can be so manipulative and lie so much. I mean lie after lie after lie. She messages her A person all throughout the day when she isnt with him, basically right in my face. That said, this guy is obviously nothing special either because he knows she's married with a family. I know hes pushing her to get a divorce, and my GUESS would be that she has told him thats what she plans on doing. I think they are both just as guilty as the other, but my covenant was with her. So sad, because we were only married just over a year before this all staryed and Im starting to think the M was the trigger (together for almost 20 years).

[DavidUK]

"My guess is that she has told him we don't sleep together but just share the house and co-parent."

It will drive him nuts because he knows W can't be trusted because she's cheating on her H.

My guess is that OM will see it as some kind of challenge game to him. He wants to win her to feel good about himself. It will be an ego boost for him to win your W. W ego is being boosted because OM knows OM wants her despite her being M. If they ride-off togther into the sunset then he's still going to be wondering whether she had been honest whilst still living with you, and she is going to be wondering if he will cheat on her even with a M woman.

[equalzr]

Question:

Ive looked at Sandi's 37 rules, looked over the detatchment link, and also saw a page about LRT. I think Ive looked over so much stuff the last few days that my head is spinning and some of it is running together. Its great information, I think im just trying to take it all in too fast as one can expect. That said, should i be completely detatching and not doing anything with the W, or still going to family function, church functions, etc? What is the cutoff? I guess some of the issues in our relationship were me not doing things she wanted to at times and turning down invites, so Im not sure what would be counterproductive and make things look the same as in the past? Should i do my own thing and not invite at all, or leave open invitation that doesnt bother me if accepted or not? Should I turn down all of her invites?

Thanks!

[LH19]

E,

I am going to be completely honest with you. There is nothing you can do now to nice her back. Everything she complained about in the past it is too late RIGHT NOW.

You need to show strength. A man who loves and values himself is not going to play nice nice with a woman who is openly cheating on him. He is going to develop a plan to communicate to her that he is not going to put up with this BS.

He is going to remove her from the martial bedroom and ask her to leave the marital home. He is going to see a lawyer to find out what his rights are and plan accordingly.

He is going to move on with his life and make it as awesome as he possibly can. Then just maybe some day she realizes what a mistake she made and she EARNS a second chance with you.

Strength, Time and Space are the only thing that turns this around. Anything else will cause you to suffer immensely.

Good Luck My Friend!

[DB346]

E,

I am going to be completely honest with you. There is nothing you can do now to nice her back. Everything she complained about in the past it is too late RIGHT NOW.

You need to show strength. A man who loves and values himself is not going to play nice nice with a woman who is openly cheating on him. He is going to develop a plan to communicate to her that he is not going to put up with this BS.

He is going to remove her from the martial bedroom and ask her to leave the marital home. He is going to see a lawyer to find out what his rights are and plan accordingly.

He is going to move on with his life and make it as awesome as he possibly can. Then just maybe some day she realizes what a mistake she made and she EARNS a second chance with you.

Strength, Time and Space are the only thing that turns this around. Anything else will cause you to suffer immensely.

Good Luck My Friend!

That is great advice and something that I think most of us understand, but struggle to TRULY put in to action. We just have to keep getting better and keep moving forward. It all SOUNDS so simple, but it's a constant struggle until you finally get there and realize you ARE good enough, she IS a fool for leaving you (so, I hear...not there myself).

[equalzr]

My wife is upset that Im really focused on going back to school now, and didnt get to it when i should jave ove the last 10 years so I/we could have been in a better place financially now. I get it, and wished i could go bavk and do it when i said i would years ago. That said, im really trying to focus on me, and also change some of the things she complained about a year ago that WERE valid.

I dont know how to rwspond to her because shes really hurt and resentful i didnt do this years ago when I said I would and thst I could have helped the family more financially now. She teared up when she asked why now and I answered her, i responded by giving her a half hug to console her. Its hard for ne to see someone I love so much tear up over anything. I have apologized for this in the past and know that i cant keep apologizing, so i dont know the appropriate way to react when she gets emotional about it now?

It really is hard getting beat up emotuonally over the same things when you have agreed with your W, apologized, and addressed all of them. I get it that they are areas of hurt and resentment, but I wish she could look at more than the negative side of things. I worked hard for 16 years to take care of my family but none of that is remembered.

This truly hurts. Out of everything ive done, this is how she pays me back? I deserved better than this.

[equalzr]

Also, it truly seems like this is some form of a MLC. I believe it started shortly afyer our marriage less than 3 years ago when it was her birthday. She says she woke up that day and basicslly cried the entire day for no reason. Maybe some mild depressipn nobody noticed?

She has been happy throughout this ordeal as far as outward appearances go, and says shes the happiest shes been in a long time. I dont see her ever wanring to come back to our marriage.

Funny thing is, while i was doing research I came upon the book Women's Infidelity, and eventually shared it with her. Amazingly, she was happy to see the info(just a well written article about the book). She even said this is exactly what she was going through, and I agreed and that is why I showed it to her. Fast forward to today, and it seems like she is less convinced that is exactly what the case is. She thinks its more or less just me. That said, she will go back to see her therapist this week. Im not sure what she even wants to get out of it other than telling the therapist how much i did wrong over the years and hoping the therapist will back her and help her justify the things shes been doing.

[kiro]

How a woman can go out and be with another man and then come home to her husband at night like nothing is wrong comletely mystifies me. It seems she thinks what she is doing is fully justified

Hi Equalzr, so sorry you have to live this nightmare. As many on this forum, I went through very similar things. None of it makes sense. I heard the same script from my wife almost word for word. You can spend literally months 24 hrs per day trying to make sense of it and you wont. You will analyze every possibility, you will blame yourself, think what could you have done differently, but you still wouldnt be able to justify her actions. I know you read Sandi s explanation on my thread. I recommend reading AmyC explanation of what a MLCer goes through.

I am sorry to tell you that it could be a long ride and you may be at the beginning of it. Do what Steve and others suggested, for your own sanity.

I will give you my 2 cents about your question above. We see a lot of evil and wrongdoings in life, but we never expect someone so close to fall in it. What Sandi explains is probably true, but it does not justify the behavior. If you know it is wrong, then trust me she knows it too, whatever justifications she gives. But temptation is strong. What is important is that you should keep your faith and trust yourself and your values. Follow the advice you get here but continue doing what is right.

[kiro]

I dont see her ever wanting to come back to our marriage.

Very similar things happened to me. First of all, it is a good thing that you discovered this forum while your W is still living with you. I made a lot of mistakes and ended up pushing her away. I only discovered this forum a few months after she moved out.

Pursuing her right now and being the nice guy will only push her further away. You need to follow what others advise but do it for you without any expectations because she will still do what she wants. If you read AmyC's explanation of MLC, you'll see that MLCer will do what they want and will not listen to anyone.

I want to comment about your quote above. My W told me before leaving that she wanted to separate and that maybe in one year, her feelings would change and she would miss this life and want to come back. When she said that, I freaked out in my head because I thought exactly what you wrote above.

Now, I think differently. If she doesn't want to come back, I don't want her either. I don't want to live with someone who doesn't love me and doesn't appreciate what we have. Reality is that you are probably a great man and you have a great family. Hopefully, she will come to her senses at some point in the future and realize that. In the meantime, you need to be the best you can be, regain your confidence and be sure that she is the one who is missing out by deciding not to be part of your life.

That said, she will go back to see her therapist this week. Im not sure what she even wants to get out of it other than telling the therapist how much i did wrong over the years and hoping the therapist will back her and help her justify the things shes been doing.

You are right. As much as I think that MLCers have inner issues and they need some sort of therapy (not everyone agrees with that), I also caution about going to any therapist especially at this time because many therapist will only react to what she has to say. At some point, I told my wife that she needed help, and her response was that she already did and the therapist told her that I had abused her, which is totally not true by the way.

... but there is nothing you can do about it. Let it be.

[equalzr]

Thanks a ton kiro. Its sad that its already been a year and a half already since Ive known something was going on, and that she may be nowhere near the end of it yet. Im trying to take that turn and just work on myself for me, and devote myself to beong a great father which is what ive always done since my S was born.

Its also sad that she doesnt see spending time with OM takes away from our S as well. He very well notoces that its 1:30...2:30 am etc and mom isnt home yet. She doesnt think its any of his business and that he only notices because of me. My S is a high schooler, how does she figure that he wont be worried, mad, and finally start to put thongs together. Hes had both parents at home for years and then mom goes awol. She spends so much time away from home, and comes in at late hours probably 3-5 nights a week. Shes basically licing a double life and running two homes. Sad to see her rip the family apart.

Im guessing her therapist will tell her to take care of herself and make herself happy. I really dont know if all therapists are qualified to deal with MLC (if this is truly it)? It sounds almost like one needs a therapist who specializes in MLC.

Yes, i have been a GOOD man, not great I realize now that there were some shortcomings, but in the grand scheme I was all about family and loved them to death. We always got along great with each other too. Im glad I found it while we still live together, but I fear that I will have to move out soon as I cant keep sitting around through this. Shes paid the mortgage while i was a stay at home dad for the last 9 years. I was the bread winner for years before that, but that was when we were renting. Im not sure if moving out would be a step in the right direction and help shake her oit of this, or if it would be a step in the wrong direction and just enable her???