Wife gone- No Contact for 5 months

[Gerda]

So sorry to read your tale. You sound like a wonderful person. She sounds definitely in MLC. I just wanted to say that divorce is not the end. she might threaten it and never follow through, or she might follow through and still turn around in a couple of years. It's all up to you to keep your heart light on in the dark or not, no matter what she does. She is not herself now but if she had such a strong faith, God is going to keep calling to her, she will have no rest. I have never initiated anything about D and resist it when my H has brought it up, and so far he has never followed through; but I am firmly committed to standing so I know many here will say otherwise.

Also I would encourage you to strap yourself in for the long ride. You seem to be rushing things, detaching after a few months, or rather thinking you are done with that process, thinking that what she says is what she is going to say next month or next year. She might, but she might also cycle through many different and totally opposite ideas. You don't have to cycle through them with her, or respond to them, but read Gordie's threads about how to just listen.

Her abandonment of her kids is totally unnatural and a hallmark of MLC. My H did this too, and it continues to blow my mind five years in. He was such a great caring loving dad before BD. But the benefit of recognizing this is you can be sure it's not about you, if it was just about you, she would want her kids by her side as much as possible and she would protect them from pain as much as possible Hugs to you you are doing great.

[kiro]

I too feel that your W is in crisis. And as Gordie said many IRL will not and do not understand this. I was one of them until I became an LBS, I had no idea this kind of stuff even happened.

Thanks DnJ and Gordie. By the way, what is IRL? I don't know this abbreviation.

Has she racked up a lot of bills? Do you think she might? Has she been really pushing for a D? Has it dropped off? Do you think it may start up again?

She hasn't asked for any money since she left. She had some of her own savings, some of which earned through her work and some that I had put in her account. I am still paying for her car, her car insurance, and a few small bills. But what I am paying to her now is less than half of the spousal support she could get in a D court given my income and her income (confirmed by my L).

She hasn't pushed hard for a D really other than asking to go to mediation twice. Both times were through texts after I had contacted her asking her to be a more responsible mother.

Your L has given you his advice for your best financial interests. Her coming out of this is a long way off, and a lot can and will happen between now and then.

My advice is to protect yourself and your kids (maybe you are protected enough currently), especially if you can just separate and not D. If your W wants out, she will get out - you do not need to help it along, it can be her idea, just allow things to go smooth. Trying to stop her and hold up the process may just get her angry and you may end up with a battle on your hands.

This is good advice. Thanks DnJ. The L was talking very theoretically. But in reality, the financial loss between getting an agreement now or getting it later is not that big. I will wait a few more months and see if she brings it up again. I like your idea of getting a legal separation signed.

[kiro]

Thank you Gerda for your nice words

I always pray for her. I hope that she will find her faith again.

Many people on this forum tell me that I am rushing things, so I guess it is true. I will just sit and wait.

Yes, I know it will be a long ride after reading everyone's stories. I have started reading Gordie's threads and I am learning from all of you. Patience...

Everything shows me that it's mostly about her. She hasn't only left me. She abandoned her kids, her religion, her friends, her values, her life, her friends, her family, and the list goes on and on...

[job]

I believe IRL means in real life. Is the car in her name? If not, this is something that you need to look into changing, i.e., just as the insurance if it is in both names. The reason I am concerned is that she could go out there and have an accident the other party could come in and sue. Nothing says you have to stop paying these things, but it's advisable to make sure your name isn't tied to as many of the old joint accounts as possible when they on the streets.

Eventually, she will run out of funds and she'll be looking to you for funds. Are you keeping tabs on your bank accounts and credit card accounts? If not, you should be. Also, do a credit history report. You don't know what other credit cards she has. We always advise our newbies to protect yourself as much as possible in the financial arena. These crisis people will spend like it is water running through their hands.

Keep the focus on you and your children. Did deeper for patience and know that time is very much on your side.

[kiro]

Job, good points. The car is in her name but the insurance has both our names. I'll call and remove my name.

My L told me that as long as we are married, we are both liable for any debt even if it's in one person's name. I think that a separation agreement is the only real protection for me if she starts accumulating debts. Great point!

I would like to stop paying her bills right away and I'd like to remove her as the beneficiary from my life insurance and from my will, but the L did make a good point though.

I asked him if I should stop paying for her car, insurance, other small bills. And if I should cancel the joint account. He thought that doing that would infuriate her and make her less cooperative during mediation negotiation, which could play against me. This was another reason he recommended getting a signed agreement as soon as possible.

[kiro]

I want to share something that I have never shared to anyone before because I don't know how others will react to this.

As you may know, I have a lot of faith in God. During the past year, I have prayed a lot asking for His guidance and help.

And on 2 occasions, I was pretty sure that God talked to me and inspired me that my W will come back. They were both strong experiences that are difficult to describe. I haven't had too many of these during my life, but the few times I have, they turned out to be true.

I am not sure what to make of this and of course, after experiencing it, I was immediately faced with reality which is quite different. So I started to doubt whether I am just imagining things. Anyway, food for thought...

[kiro]

Tomorrow will be the 1st anniversary for BD. And 1 week later, our 18th marriage anniversary.

I have invented a new term: HAL to complement GAL. Have A Life (HAL) is my conscious realization that I already have a life. GAL is good, but I've been trying too hard to do new things instead of enjoying what I already have.

Today, I prepared a nice breakfast and set up the table so that we can all eat together like we used to do before. It was really nice to sit down with the boys and have a nice meal together on a Sunday morning.

I discussed with the boys our vacation plan for this summer. Due to our situation, we haven't yet planned anything, but we decided to go somewhere for 1 week. I'll start researching any last minute deals.

Yesterday, I went for a bike ride and really enjoyed it. I've only taken my bike out once this summer. I'll try to do this more often especially that I live in a beautiful area surrounded by amazing scenery (woods, rivers, ...).

On Friday night, I went to "Antman 2" movie with my S17. It's a really funny movie. We really enjoyed it.

And I started reading again, something I haven't done for quite some time. It is really nice to be able to focus on something other than W's MLC.

I want to start playing piano too, but for some reason I still find it difficult to start. But once I start, I know I'll enjoy it...

I also read some of AmyC's posts yesterday. It was an eye opener to understand what MLCers go through. I really recommend it to anyone. Too bad that her old threads have been deleted from the archives.

[job]

Yes, you have a life. I'm glad to see that you are starting to do some of the things that you use to do. It will get easier in time. When you go away for a week, go somewhere you and the kids have not been before. This is the time to make new memories.

Take care and try to enjoy each day as it comes.

[DnJ]

IRL - In Real Life

I thought that was on the abbreviation list / post but it is not. I have no idea where I picked it up, maybe my kids texts, or a different post, I don’t know. I used to never used to use abbreviations, always liked full words. Joined here and picked up the lingo.

I am glad to see you understand your financial position currently and the effects of a possible agreement now or later. I believe your current position of waiting is a good one, see what she does in the next while. Just make sure you know you options, which I think you are well aware of.

I have not started to play the Piano again either. I have tried a few times but just too much. Music gets right in to a person and talks directly to your emotions. Still stirs too much up for me.

Everything shows me that it's mostly about her. She hasn't only left me. She abandoned her kids, her religion, her friends, her values, her life, her friends, her family, and the list goes on and on...

They abandon so much in their search for happiness.

Or more accurately - They abandon so much in an attempt to rid themselves of unhappiness.

You are doing really good Kiro.

Going on vacation with your boys, that it a top notch idea.

[kiro]

Job, thanks for the encouragement.

DnJ, good point about the piano. I think this is the reason for me as well. Thanks for the nice words.

This morning, I had a few thoughts about the psychology of a MLCer and most definitely my W:

- My W has always been a poor communicator, especially about her feelings. She always pushed any negative feelings deep down and avoided to deal with them. I see this in many stories about WAS/MLCers whether Ws or Hs.

- I suspect she had bad experiences and a lot of emotional wounds as a child and then as a teenager. And then again when she lost her mother in 2006. And all the small stuff during our 17 years of marriage. She kept pushing it all down and building up a huge mountain of unnecessary internal resentment. I often warned her but she never listened.

- I think it all came back to haunt her and she couldn't handle it, and so decided that it was all due to the wrong life she had chosen for the past 18 years and she projected most of it on me blaming me of abusing, belittling, and trying to control her. (That was never my intention and not how I viewed our marriage. I always wanted the best for her, but I wasn't understanding of her struggles because she never talked about them, and I could have definitely been kinder to her and a better listener. But her perception of me is still exaggerated, skewed and distorted. )

- And due to her age starting her 40s, she panicked and thought that this was her last chance to restart it all over and find happiness.

- IMO, the main problem now is that she is still doing the same thing presently. She is pushing deep down her feelings and all her past wounds (including those built up during the marriage), thinking that someone can easily get completely out of her skin and become a totally new person. In near half a century of my life, I've never seen that happen with anyone. This is exactly why she is in this crisis in the first place, always trying to deny her pains.

- And the mistakes she is doing by creating more damage in her life is just adding to the pile of things that one day she will need to deal with. I am worried for her, and really wish her all the best. It will be a lot to deal with when she starts waking up from her current fog.


Here is the last thing that she wrote on one of her social media accounts before going dark completely:

"Give the ones you love wings to fly, roots to come back, and reasons to stay." (Quote from Dalai Lama)

She wrote that about a month after BD, but during the same time that she was telling me that she wants back in the marriage and acting is if everything was normal again.


Anyway, I will now take a break from thinking for a week. I'll do my best to stay busy.