I've been trying to read more of it this morning, but the more I read, the worse I feel. I just feel like it's exposing all of these things about myself that she's either overlooked for so long, or has realized about me, and things I hate about who I am at the moment. I don't know how I can change them, at least not yet. I only know I don't want to be this way anymore..
Step 1 is recognition. What happened in the past is in the past. How can you take a baby step forward today?
There is a painful period in which you become acutely aware of your role in getting your R to the point it now is. This is a difficult, but necessary time. Don't look away. Take it in. You now have extremely important information at your disposal that you hadn't fully perceived (but your wife has, probably for a long time). Working backward, you have the blueprint for the man you want to be. It is a very fine line between honestly assessing shortcomings and beating yourself up, though, so be kind to yourself and don't expect perfect implementation. As you start tackling the various behavioral changes you want to make (180s), resist the temptation to ask your wife if she sees changes. You are doing this for yourself, not her. If it is for her (pursuit), she'll know, it will feel smothering to her, and she'll easily convince herself that it isn't real.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
First of all, and I don't know how I missed this... great frickin name. Nothing better than a hot, fresh, crunchy crouton.
Secondly, and I say this from experience, maybe stop trying to fix things for her. Listen, ask questions, and try to understand what she is telling you. Then offer support.
I'm off to make a salad...
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thanks, you three. It's hard to put yourself on trial when you know you might also have a biased jury.
JRuss, you're spot on about the blueprint. I need to make that my starting point. Again, not for her, but for me. The overwhelming majority of what she's expressed are things I've wanted to change/fix in myself for a long time, I just fed myself excuses for not doing so.
In other news, I have realized that while in limbo, I can't plan life with or without her. I instead have to do both. It's the only way I can keep my sanity and feel like I'm personally moving forward.
As such, I began to take a look at our finances to see where I can figure out ways to be more financially secure. I went into her office to get a notebook I left in there the other day that had all of our budget numbers written down, along with some estimations I had started working on with her. The notebook was sitting under one of hers she was using to plan out what she wanted to say while applying for the job she just applied for.
When I went to grab my notebook, I nudged hers over a bit too far, and it slid off the desk into her chair. As I picked it up to put it back, I noticed a page that had "Rules of Engagement (LOL)" written across the top. This got my attention because I used that exact term a week or so ago during one of the breakdowns we had, saying I don't know how to act around her and give space because I didn't know the rules of engagement. She threw that back in my face saying she didn't either.
Anyway, on this page was written the following list of things. I know I shouldn't assume anything right now, so I'd like you guys and gals to give me your feedback on it. It could be nothing, it could be a trap, I just don't know. You'll find the last item particularly interesting, though:
-Personal accountability -Everyone contributes to chores -Sell the house -Purge belongings -Family 1st -Time alone -TV less -Cook ahead -Plan a vow renewal and honeymoon
Now, some words on that last one... when we married, we had overwhelming debt and very little income. Our wedding was in front of a judge, the reception was at a nearby restaurant and everyone paid for their own food. This was New Year's Eve in 2006. New Year's Day, we drove to a different state because she was being transferred there with her company, and was going to help out for a week before we officially moved there. During the week we were there, we stayed in a hotel, and while she was working, I was job hunting and looking for a place for us to live. That was the extent of our honeymoon. We never had the time or money after that to actually take a real one, and my employment over the years plus lack of funds the times when I could get away from work never did let us take a single trip alone together. In fact, I could probably count on one hand the times we have been on a family trip, and even those were usually just long weekends. I know how bad this all is and sounds, but it's reality, unfortunately.
Anyway, anybody got any thoughts on this? Like I said, I'm not trying to let it mean anything other than it's a list with some possibly positive things on it, but I'm also probably not the most objective person about my sitch.
Also, just to add, I know she wrote this list out between Sunday night and Tuesday night. Sunday, she was showing the list of things for the application, and there were blank pages after that. She hasn't been in her office since Tuesday night...
I am not sure how this can be ANYTHING but positive. Last I checked Ws do not plan vow renewals and honeymoons with a H they plan on leaving.
This is awesome crouton, just keep up being consistent with your actions. They are working. Keep making improvements. Make them for yourself, not for her.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Maybe, Steve, but it could just be her listing things out... not planning, just listing. I imagine she's just weighing out what she wants, and then is trying to just see if it's possible.
That said, on another positive note, I got asked on a double date around lunch time, about the time I finished posting about the list above. She called me, cheery as can be, and told me her and one of our friends were talking about binge watching a show that is one of W's favorite ones of all time this weekend (MTV's Oddities: The Maxx, for those who remember it). W and I had also been talking about cooking up some crab legs this weekend, as I would like to try eating them again to see if I like them now (again, trying new things weekly). She said as her and our friend were talking, she had an idea for a "Crabby to the Maxx" party, where we would join our friend and her boyfriend (who is my best friend), make crab legs, and binge the show. The point in all of this being, she purposely chose to include me in something that she didn't have to, and still wanted to do what we had planned together.
Combined with the list, my head is kinda spinning right now. We went from her saying last night that she is still unsure/afraid of our MR blowing up to finding a list like that and a planned double date? I want to believe that these are signs of a positive turn, but I don't want to set myself up for heartbreak, either.
Working my way through her list, I see some things I've already begun doing- exercise, food, less TV, spirituality, learning, relationships (at least, in terms of learning what to do and not to do to keep relationships strong), and some things I have already expressed wanting to do. Some of the items could mean something else (does time alone mean time alone individually, together like date nights/trips, or both?), some I'm not sure what exactly she means in terms of context (personal accountability to and for who/what?), and some of the items would require us to come up with actionable steps together.
I dunno... just trying not to get my hopes up too far...
Last night was ok again. She was distant on the phone when she called me on her way home from work (but just the fact she called me is positive), but again seemed a little better when she got home. She also chose to sit on the couch with me again while we ate and watched a show, but like the night before wasn't super close (still, there were other places she could have chosen). Then, in bed, she rolled over after being on her phone for a while (I had turned out the light and was just laying there on my back) and took my hand with one of hers, and put her other one on my chest/shoulder again, and that's how we fell asleep. This morning, she came to me to give me a hug right before she left.
I also got a text from her after she had been at work for a while. She asked if I was working, and I said yes but I could talk. She then told me she was going into a meeting and would catch up with me later, so we'll see what that's about. It was just a little odd, since she usually doesn't text me from work unless it's asking a specific question. IDK, we'll see.
One word of caution I got early in my sitch was not to analyze everything she says and does. I was like you. "That was a positive action or comment. That was negative." Just let htings be what they are without much thought and without having to analyze everything.
Consistent behavior over a long period of time. That is what you are looking for. Everything else is just a point in time. Her actions and words are often times dictated by her mood at that moment.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
