In-house separation started last night. She said that she sees it transitioning to physical separation as soon as we can sell the house so that we can afford to live separately. She projects a timeline of up to a year limit, though things could change sooner than that.
I confronted her about the possibility of there being an OM. I told her all of the things I saw, and just asked if there was. Her response was no, and I believe her (yes, I know about the rules). She then went on to say that she felt disgusted by me, particularly that I smelled a pair of her panties while doing laundry and smelled sex on them. I had explained to her that it was mere coincidence, as I was bent over her hamper, and they passed right in front of my face. She eventually said she understood why my mind would go to thinking she was having an A, but still felt disgusted. I'm not supposed to do her laundry anymore.
I asked her to hold off on deciding anything until after we go through the MC a bit, just to see if it helps. She says she still feels like I'd either fall apart, commit suicide, or just make her life a living hell if she left, and she feels like that's the only thing keeping her from just going. But, then in the next breath says that she even questions that feeling, and doesn't know if it's genuine. She said that as far as the separation goes, we'll see what happens today during the MC before even discussing anything further.
I went and saw my doctor this morning. I got on some medication for anxiety/depression. I'm starting to freak out and lose hope. I definitely freaked out last night and this morning with her during our conversation. I know I shouldn't have, but I did. I've just hit a breaking point. Things seemed like they were heading towards reconciling, and I was completely blindsided by her bringing up feeling smothered and separation.
If anyone has any insight, advice, encouragement, etc., I sure could use it right now... I'm in a really dark place.
Crouton, brother, I've been in limbo for almost a year now, through ups and downs, and highs and lows. I had weeks when I could barely eat and couldn't speak without crying. I know you don't want to hear that this drags on, but it gets better with time. I am still emotionally affected by W's words and actions, but it doesn't wreck my whole self like it used to, and it typically only occurs when I, stupidly, initiate some R talk.
My point is, as all the legends on this page will tell you and as ovrrnbw does above, back off and GAL. You will feel better. You can either do what I did -- wallow in it for months and months, and I don't recommend that -- or listen to these folks and speed up the process. I wish I would have found the DR book and these boards as early on as you did.
You got this.
Me: 40 W:39 T: 19 M: 12 D4, D7 EA/BD: August 2017 EA ended: Oct 2017 MC: Oct 2017 - March 2018 W signed lease: July 10, 2018 W moved out: Sept. 14, 2018
"I am not supposed to do her laundry anymore" = "I have something to hide and don't want you to see the stains in my knickers."
You may believe her, I don't. She is hiding something. That "I am disgusted you sniffed my panties" is classic WAW/WW deflection. "Are you cheating? Here are the signs." "HOW DARE YOU SNOOP ON ME!!" Classic redirect. As if snooping is even remotely in the same category as adultery.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Well, last night was night number 4 of sleeping in our guest room/in house separation. I got with my PCP and got prescriptions for Zoloft and Hydroxyzine because I was waking up during the first two nights in panic attacks. I can still feel the adrenaline start to pump when I have thoughts of her that start to set me off, though last night was at least a little better. I came across some grounding techniques that are supposed to help with detachment, and that combined with listening to some affirmations while going to sleep seemed to at least let me sleep better than I have all this past week. I can post the techniques for grounding if someone would like... I haven't seen anything here like them, and they may be helpful.
We had a bit of a blowout yesterday morning. The takeaway is I think she's willing to do the in house separation longer than she originally planned, though she said that she still wants to get the house ready to sell because no matter the outcome, she doesn't see us staying here. She also said that the likely outcome is divorce, but she doesn't know if as things become more real to her, maybe she'll change her mind.
We set a few ground rules, mostly having to do with my behavior towards her the last couple of days (I've been gone and didn't tell her where, acting cold towards her, scowling at her, etc... I know I shouldn't, but I'm at my ropes end) and about living arrangements. She did say that she'd start to actively be more involved in taking care of our S, as far as picking him up in the afternoons, and that she's going to step up efforts to do things during the week such as cleaning, cooking, etc. because she doesn't feel that all that responsibility should fall to me. She said I shouldn't have to feel like I'm doing everything to please her, and she doesn't want to feel that way either. I told her that it's not just about her, that I've been doing everything for me first, her second, and it seemed like maybe she believed me.
This morning, I did a few small things to try and get past the cold shoulder vibe I was giving her. Our S slept with her last night, so when I went to wake him up to get him ready for school, I made the bed after (she was in the bathroom), and I also made her coffee when I made mine (she did thank me for this). I also told her I'd help with the bandages in her tattoo she got yesterday (back piece) if she needed, and we both told each other to have a good day. I guess I'm just working hard on trying to keep things light and civil because I don't want sad or angry vibes on my part to push her further away.
I also noticed that she's wearing A ring on her left ring finger, but not one of THE rings I've given her over the years (her original set was stolen). She's changed them up through the years, but always worn one I've given her.
I'm still working to find more things to GAL. The weekends may not be as difficult, but during the week is the biggest challenge.
Had another IC session today. I like the guy. Not getting a lot in terms of techniques or anything, but he's very good at letting me work through a problem by steering me. In terms of GAL, we talked through some things... I may start writing a book, and taking lots of trips to coffee shops to do so. I'm also on the lookout for camping groups in the area, or may even just start by myself (as much as I don't want to be alone right now).
I'm rereading all of Sandi's rules, and all the info Cadet posted. I definitely think I'm at the LRT stage.
Why are you sleeping in the guest room and not her?
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
I don't really know, other than I slept there in order to not disturb her on the first night, then after our dumpster fire of a MC session, I went to a friend's house to try and cool off. When I came home, she and our S were in the bed in the Master Bedroom (I can't call it ours, mentally right now) in bed. He slept in there for three nights with her, so I've been in the guest room.
In other news, here's what I know and what my plan is:
What I know:
- I know she's removing pictures of us/turning them backwards.
- I know she's separating our finances in our budgeting software (not in the bank, however).
- I know she needs space now more than ever.
- I know that she said that the couple of good weeks were her "just trying", but she's "not feeling it" from what she says (which we're not supposed to believe, right? Only half of what she does?).
- I know she says that she feels like I am not an independent person, and that I rely on her for my emotional well being, as well as I'm possibly incapable of supporting myself financially/responsibly.
- I know she's saying divorce is the most likely outcome, though she also said as things get more real, she could change her mind.
My plan:
- I'm trying to come at things with a new mindset. I'm basically going back to DB101 and starting from scratch.
- I'm going to see if she can pick up our S tomorrow, and I'm going out. I dunno where yet, maybe to a coffee shop or cafe, but I've got to GAL more.
- I'm already planning to do a project at a friend's house Saturday, so I've got that day nailed down so far.
- I'm going to go to the gym if I can, even if it's early in the morning.
- In effect, I'm doing a 180 while GAL in doing these things.
- Keep showing consistent behavior that I am a strong, independent person who is put together and can take care of themselves.
Goals:
- Have her initiate conversation (non MR related) beyond just businesslike "good morning", "have a good day", etc.
- Have her invite me to do something (with our S, friends, or individually). This can be casual, like watch a show.
- Make her smile (joke, action, etc.) without pursuing her, kind of an in the moment thing during a discussion (with her or others while she's present).
-Touch each other (non-sexually) without her recoiling (hand at small of back while passing, touching a shoulder, etc.).
Guys, I really need all hands on deck here. Please give me any feedback or suggestions, encouragement, etc. you can muster. If you're friends with a veteran of these boards, please invite them in for their take on things.
Your goals are almost all about her. You can't control her, nor should you try to. You shouldn't try to elicit a reaction about her, that's still control.
Your goals need to be about YOU. How can you become a better person?
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
