Hi everyone. I'm a newcomer with another story similar to everyone else. I recently came across information that led me to believe my wife is going through a MLC. That said, I'll post my story the best way i can remember it, as its been a looong road so far. I welcome questions and advice.
About a year and a half ago, my wife said she realized that she was living a boring life and had realized that she had to make changes because she wasn't happy without adventure in her life. For the most part our life had been pretty boring over the last 15 years which involved raising our S, working, and being involved in our child's activities outside of school. Also, one of us was the designated stay at home parent who would also work part time. My wife makes a good living and has been the sole provider for the last 9 years plus, which is part of her hurt/anger with me.
At this time a year and a half ago, she said she wanted to start doing more things and started to find activities for herself to do. These started out with her being gone for a few hours at a time a couple of times a week, which seemed very reasonable. Quickly, that developed into her being gone most nights of the week and not coming home until 3 or 4 in the morning with no real explanation of where she had been. I was told that she was at a siblings house, or her parents, etc. No real readon or justification imo of why she needed to be out so late or why she didn't tell me where she was going. I was just told that she needed to be doing more things.
Well, i didnt react well to any of this initially. I began giving her the cold shoulder, stopped doing little things i would do for her as a H etc. Time went on, and things continued to deteriorate. She suggested a counselor and I agreed. We found a counselor who began to work with us and gave both of us suggestions. Problem was, i was the only one making changes. My W, was still doing the same things. So after a few sessions, counseling ceased and I told W when she was serious about it, I'd be ready to go again(we also wanted to find a new counselor who we thought would fit better).
Time has gone on, and nothkng has changed with my wife. I've changed so many things sbout myself, and addressed every issue that she said she had with me in the relationship. I changed from being upset at what was going on to trying to be a good husband no matter what. I figured I would pray about it, do my part, and leave the rest of it in God's hands.
Fast forward to a few months ago, and I found evidence that an old boyfriend may be in the picture. Of course everything was denied, and I had no real proof this was the case. A few weeks later, she was showing me a text to her sibling, and accidentally showed me a text above that which also hinted that the old bf was back in the picture. A few weeks later, I did some snooping and saw a text on her phone's screen (which stays locked) that was from the old boyfriend, basically in so many words its clear he believes he is her man. She still denied everything even though it was clear, but I still tried to play the good husband role. A few weeks ago, I came across some messages from the old boyfriend and her that revealed that they are in a deep intimate relationship. I already had figured so, but this definitely shook me.
We still live in the same house, still share the same bed, and still parent our S together. I have yet to read the books and Im trying to track them down now as the store i went to didnt carry them. I need some advice, this has been going on for a year and a half now. I feel like their relationship may be so deep ocer that time that maybe there us no turning back now? She's lied to me continually, blamed me for everything wrong under the sun, treated me horribly, and did things that I woud never have imagined her doing.
Im open to advice and questions. Im sure this story jumped around a bit, and I may have missed details as well. Hopefully I can fill in the blanks as needed.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Can I ask how old you both are? How long you've been together and how long you have been married?
You mention your trust in God, I assume you are both religious? Is this why this is still being hidden? Her still living at home, sleeping in the same bed, etc?
I assume your S doesn't know what is going on?
So you are going to get a lot of advice related to tough love. Kicking her out of the MBR. Stop playing the good H, lots of things to shake her our of her waywardness. I am not the best at advising with sort of thing.
Of course, you never came out and said she was involved in a PA. Are you in denial about that? The late nights out. The texting. All of it is pointing to a PA. I can't think of many guys that would remain in "an intimate relationship" for a year and a half without it going physical.
Another recent newcomer had a similar story. W was the primary bread winner, he was stay at home dad, etc. I've seen it a lot over the years that this can work for a short period, but everyone that I know, and I can think of several off the top of my head, that were in that situation eventually ended up D'd. You can't beat biology, and biology says that the W should be the keeper at home and the H should be the bread winner. Our society bucks against that, but again, it is in our biology, part of our DNA. When gender roles are turned upside down the downstream results are rarely positive.
It comes down to a an issue of respect and attractiveness. sandi, the resident WW expert will tell you that women are not attracted to men they do not respect. You said that she has an issue with being the sole bread winner, so my guess is that over time she lost respect, attractiveness followed. At some point (like you will read about in DB/DR) she gave up on the MR and became susceptible to an OM. Enter old BF, bam....A.
equalzr, not sure how long you've read this forum but if you have for long then you already know the way forward is fairly simple.
1st GAL. Be busy. Make your S the priority but when you aren't spending time with your S, you are busy. Stay busy. Always busy. Idle time is your enemy. The posters that struggle the most are those that do not GAL enough. S first, then GAL.
2nd 180s. Sounds like you've done these. However, it doesn't appear that the 180s you done have not gotten you to where you want to be. So be open to 180ing 180s. Do not be her slave. Do not be available to her at the drop of a hat. This is again GAL comes in. "I am too busy for that." "I would love to help but I have plans." Etc.
3rd DETACH. Stop hanging on her every word and action. You knew this relationship with the old BF was inappropriate and still going, but seeing the evidence drill you between the eyes. That tells me there was a) denial about what was going on and b) there is too much emotional attachment, even a year and half in, despite all of her poor behavior.
4th, be the the best you can be. Be the spouse only a fool would leave. This involves 1-3.
One last thing. Her counseling request was a red herring. WAWs/WWs are notorious for suggesting MC in order to later be able to say "Well we tried everything, even MC!" You were right to pull the plug on it. Do not be open to it again unless she is fully committed back to the MR.
Please do not ignore Cadet's post. You should be spending the next few hours devouring the links and information he shared.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Sorry you are here buddy but it is the best place you can be. Step one is to ask her to leave the master bedroom. If she will not leave, remove her things for her. The MB is a symbol of marriage and cheaters do not belong in it.
Step two. Read up on boundaries. Before you try to set any come to the board and run them by us first. Newbies get really confused on boundaries and when not implemented properly they can actually make things worse.
Step three. Exercise, eat healthy, get sleep, meditate and get out and get a life. Meet up with old friends, family, volunteer, learn an instrument.
One way another if you put in the work you will survive and thrive either way.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Over the course of our relationship, we've never really argued. We got along great. She always said she was happy. A few years ago she said we needed to start taking vacations, so we did that. The desire to do more things seemed to build from there, which was fine, but definitely got to be over the top after a while.
As far as I go, Id like to think I was a good man. Not a great man mind you, but still good. My life has revolved around my family, and Ive spent the last 16 years either at work, at home with my family, doing family activities, or at S's activities. Never really had time for myself or friends. That said, I LOVE being a family man. My shortcomings were putting my S before my wife. We were both guilty of that as he has always been our #1 priority, sometimes to a fault. Secondly, I didnt go back to school and get a graduate degree as I have said I would for years. That one is truly on me, and I dropped the ball there. I've been working on it for months now and am finally getting closer to deciding what I want to do. Financially, she took over as the main bread winner years ago, and hard times hit when she was forced into a big paycut. Her main source of hurt from me is she feels that I didnt do more to helpl out during that time. Yes I was extremely busy too, but looking back I can agree with her and admit I could have done more to bring in extra money. Ive been trying to right tgis ship for a year, but it looks like i was running a race Im not allowed to win if that makes sense.
I've read some of the notes from Women's infidelity, and I couldnt agree more that she doesnt want me to make her happy. She has a new guy in place who seems to have money and is spoiling her so he doesnt lose her a 2nd time. I think he's in it for the long haul. Im trying to start doing some detatchment, but honestly I think thats what she wants. I really dont think she wants anything to do with me any longer and has already replaced me. How a woman can go out and be with another man and then come home to her husband at night like nothing is wrong comletely mystifies me. It seems she thinks what she is doing is fully justified and as she says "if I was doing what I should have been doing, there would never have been room for another man". I've asked her within the last couple of months what more I could do to improve the relationship and her answer was nothing, Im already doing everything.
This feels like Ive been living in a nightmare for over a year.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
How a woman can go out and be with another man and then come home to her husband at night like nothing is wrong completely mystifies me.
Think of it another way... 'what sort of person would want to date W when she is still sleeping in the same bed as her husband?' It would surely drive the OM nuts unless he doesn't care all that much and is just using her.
