My story. Advice needed

[SteveLW]

equalzr, LRT <> detachment. Detachment doesn't mean not doing things with her.

Detachment is really a state of mind. You do not allow her actions or word to affect you emotionally.

When I got really good at detachment I knew it because I would invite my W to do something and truly didn't care if she said no. And I didn't get excited if she said yes. I was very even-keeled.

Many LBSs still have sex with their WASs. The key is to not attach meaning to it.

Last Resort Technique is a technique for going dark (not initiating contact at all, but not necessarily not responding when she does) when all else fails. A lot of new folks leave the LAST RESORT out of LRF. MWD named it that for a very good reason....it should be used as a last resort.

Detachment should come way before employing the LRT.

[equalzr]

I wonder if there are different degrees of MLC? My wife has definitely been discussing a D as I found that out a while back when I was snooping. She also believes we can possinly continue living as we are now until S finishes high school. That doesnt seem like a normal thought process to me. Shes married, has a relationship and affair going on, and thinks we can live like that? I guess she figured she can steing me along with leaving reconciliation open ended and a possibility.

I ask about the different levels of MLC because I dont really see confusion or a fog in her eyes when i look at her. I see hatred at me at times when something gets brought up that triggers her resentment. Also, she seems like herself for the most part except the bad choices of A, neglecting our S, and extreme shopping. She seems really happy and has maintained her personality for the most part.

[equalzr]

Thanks for clearing that up S85!


I was thinking that I should shut down all activities together no matter what, but also thought that might be counterproductive. Beforr I even had a clue what was going on and signs were staring to show up, I stopped talking to her, and we never did anything together, and I dont think tjat helped anything at all. Probably pushed her closer to OM.

[SteveLW]

So equalzr, one of my big pieces of advice to LBHs like us (my sitch was similar to yours except my W was in an EA not a PA) was to burst her fantasy bubbles as often as you can. My W had a fantasy that she would get a job, get an apartment and get a divorce. I'd keep the house, and my D would live with me. And then we would "play house" occasionally. With her still having full access to the house, and us having dinner as a family either in the house or at her apartment. She also had this idea for a quickie, online divorce (not possible when kids are involved!).

Some things I did.

I told her we were selling the house. She was all like WHY? I said it was no fair that she gets to move away and start this new life and expect me not to. And I also started bursting the the "we'll still be friends" bubble. All words. But then I contacted a lawyer. Shattering her quickie online divorce fantasy.

Start bursting fantasy bubbles.....it might wake her up. It is also called taking back respect.

[equalzr]

Sounds like a good idea. Thanks again!

[equalzr]

Wife's counselor told her that sometimes a MLC can be a good thing. She says it can let you know if your happy where you are or not.

Wow, just wow.

[kiro]

Equalzr, MLCers know they are doing something wrong and they feel guilty even though they may never admit it especially to their LBS.

They will seek approval wherever they can find it because they need to feel good about themselves. They will get closer to other MLCers or anyone who approves what they’re doing. And they will distance themselves from anyone who judges or criticizes them. As I said before, there is plenty of material online and in bookstores written by MLCers who will support others in their struggles.

E.g. I never read the book "Wild" and never watched the movie, but it was one of my W's favorites the last few years. I only saw glimpses of the movie and read a couple of chapters. It's obvious that the author was a troubled person going through a lot of pain and doing many wrong things in the process. The main message seemed to be: to find peace and end the pain, you must leave your past and start over. This book/movie was a huge success. And many other examples...

If you look at it holistically, they need all the support that they can get because they are in pain. Do they always get the right advice? I don’t think so. I think a lot of the advice they get is shortsighted to alleviate the pain now without addressing the real issues that caused it.

From my observation, I think most MLCers will reject therapists who will tell them that what they are doing is wrong. And they will find ones who approve what they are doing. But I wouldn't even trust what your W is telling you about the counselor unless you heard the counselor with your own ears. MLCers will hear what they want and will manipulate it to mean what they want.

I don't think therapy will benefit MLCers much until they are ready to face their real issues, which comes at a much later stage if they ever make it there.

That being said, what the counselor told her is not all that wrong. I don't need a degree in psychology to tell her that MLC tells her that she is unhappy. The important question is the real internal issues behind this unhappiness and what to do about it without destroying the good things you have. It could be much worse: according to my W, her counselor told her that I abused her emotionally, psychologically and even physically. No idea where they got these ideas. I never abused her in any of these ways.

So my advice: Don't believe anything your W is telling you. Don't pay much attention to that stuff. Detach so you won't get affected by her behavior and her words. When she says something like that, just listen. Be kind, but don't approve.

[equalzr]

You make good points kiro. Supposedly she may invite me to a counseling session. Not sure if thats a good thing ro do or not, but I would steer clear of R talk. It would be about our S and maybe what shes going through with MLC. I 100% agree that she will reject anyone who doesnt validate what shes doing. Shes only telling people around her bits and pieces of the story so they are all supportive of her and I continue to look like a terrible H.

Last night we had a good nigjt as a family, laughing and talking. She did bring up some things from the past and I tried to validate and keep it simple but got sucked into a few issues but they all seemed basic and harmless. It really hurts to enjoy time together and then reality punches you in the face.

[kiro]

Do 180s changing into a better person, but as long as you avoid any pursuing or saying things like "I love you".

Many of the loving behavior that would work before BD in a healthy marriage, will not work and could have a counter effect when dealing MLC/WW/WAS. They could be seen as manipulation or controlling.

When you get chances like you had last night, my personal opinion (some may disagree) is that you should participate in as many family events as possible, but you should make them fun and avoid any R talks. In a way, you want to build good memories your W can remember when she wakes up from her fog.

[equalzr]

Im just trying to keep things as simple as possible. No R talk initiated by myself, and definitely no expectations. Trying to just focus on myself and S, even though the last 16plus years were all about S and W. Never even had time for myself, never mind friends etc.

Still amazed at the loyalty and faithfulness some of us display, even after S was so quick to find OM and then not show any remorse to most of us. Talk about a roller coaster of emotions.