Paint me a scenario in which you are an introvert around your spouse....???
Paint me a scenario in which you are an extrovert around your spouse ...???
I am getting to the point Steve....I promise : )
LOL...no problem Mach1. Let me think about this a bit. It is a good question.
My initial response is that I am always an extrovert around her, and never an introvert. But let me think about it a little bit to see if I can find scenarios where I'm an introvert.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Also just to make sure you and I have the same definition of an introvert and extrovert (since so many think it just means outgoing or not.)
Introvert recharges by spending time alone, and is depleted by spending time in social situations. Extrovert recharges by being in social situations, and is depleted by spending time alone.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Also just to make sure you and I have the same definition of an introvert and extrovert (since so many think it just means outgoing or not.)
Introvert recharges by spending time alone, and is depleted by spending time in social situations. Extrovert recharges by being in social situations, and is depleted by spending time alone.
So, you are an extrovert around your spouse, and she is an introvert....sound about right ?
I am much like you, I can be either one depending on the situation.
In social situations, IF it is people who I know, and am comfortable with, I can ebb and flow with the group. I find myself wavering between the two, but mostly, I interact as an extrovert.
In social situations where I am in a large group, or even a smaller group with people that I don't know, then I am all the way an introvert.
In both situations, there comes a time when I need, not want, to have some alone time in order to recharge myself....
However, I verbally communicate like an introvert, although I expect answers like an extrovert...
My partner is an introvert, although she is the same as me. She verbalizes as an introvert, and expects answers like an extrovert.
Think about this the next time that you interact with her....
The differences between the communications is typically a hotspot in these types of relationships ...
If you were to ask a question, you expect an answer on your time....
She isn't prepared to give you an answer on your time, she gives you the answer on her time...
Have you ever asked a question,got tired of waiting for her thoughts, started a different thought, and proceeded to talk about it before you got an answer ??
Which typically leads to a " you never hear me" , or the thought gets stuck and she feels that her opinion isn't valuable to you....
Never expressed, over time it leads to the Father figure issues that you are working through....
Have you ever asked a question, then waited patiently for her answer ?
Attentive and involved until the answer comes ?
You should try that, then let me know the difference in the conversation.....
It is much the same as when I recommend reading the book that shall not be named, about love and languages, and there are 5 of them....
I always recommend reading it twice, and the second time, really think about what it is saying.
You know your love language, yes ??
Hers ???
Think about it this way...
How you feel love, is often times different than how you naturally show love.
You may feel love by physical touch, yet you show love by acts of service....
How do you show love ???
How does she ???
You asked me the other day about ways to be different, and show her a new you....
I have become much better about asking a question and waiting for her response since BD. It really goes to being more present and attentive more than an exercise in active listening. Admittedly prior to BD I engaged in the very behavior you've mentioned! I would ask, get tired of waiting for the answer or hearing her beat around the bush and moved on to the next topic. And you are right, it built up a lot of resentment and "you don't listen or value my opinion" feelings over time. I did this for years. And I know that 7 months is not quite enough time to undo all of that resentment. I need to be consistent at this for a very long time before she will completely trust the changes.
We did read the love languages book. The MC had us read the book and take the assessment. I feel love through physical touch. Her through words of affirmation. I show love through acts of service and giving gifts. She shows love through acts of service and giving gifts. LOL
I have been much better since the MC had us read the book at giving words of affirmation.
By the way, I've mentioned this before. Her love language is words of affirmation. Which means my overly critical, mean, and some would say even verbally abusive language leading up to bomb day was the WORST THINGS I COULD DO (short of physical abuse obviously). The MC and the book pointed out that when someones LL is words of affirmation, it is a double-whammy to be verbally critical.
Thank you Mach, I see that as time goes by the tendency is to go back to way I was before. I need constant reminders to make sure these changes are lasting and permanent.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
