WW having affair and pushing for divorce

[DB346]

Woke up this morning feeling sad, but not horribly. It's just that when my S is here with me overnight and we get up in the morning on the weekend I feel her absence so much heavier than I do during the week when I'm all alone. I know that with my depression SHE felt alone for much of the last couple years, even though I was here. I wish I had been able to see through the fog that was clouding my mind and realized then that I needed help. I don't blame myself for her choosing to have the A and tear our family apart, but I don't think I'm just an innocent victim. I absolutely could have done better, and I know that I WILL do better. I trust that if my W and I aren't able to R and start a new, better, happier MR, that God has bigger and better plans for me. I just have to pray for the strength to keep fighting through the pain.

I got an email from DivorceCare today that explains why this hurts so badly in a way that I could relate to"

"Unfortunately, people make decisions that lead to the breaking of marriage bonds. To better understand the extreme pain of separation and divorce, think about what happens when a marriage bond comes apart. The married couple does not revert to being two individuals again. Instead, they become two parts of the same one-flesh marriage, torn away, with huge, gaping emotional wounds."

“People will say, ‘Well, my husband and I separated.’ That’s not true. You tore, and that’s where the hurt is. You actually tear, and parts of you go with the other person. That’s why breaking a relationship is so difficult because you lose a part of yourself forever.”

[Vanilla]

I personally didn't find divorce care very helpful at all.

It made me quite despairing, full of doom. It is images like those that made me unhappy and downright depressed.

It's almost as if some of it is written to put the D decision as a crime.

I know others took comfort it in it.

So if you find it unhelpful or depressing, stop for a while or for good.

V

[DB346]

I haven't actually started DivorceCare yet. It doesn't start for about a month and a half. I've just been getting their daily emails. Saying that, my faith, my personal conviction and my experience growing up with divorced parents make me VERY anti-D. I want nothing more than for my son to be able to grow up in a happy home with his mom and dad in a happy marriage.

I know that I made a lot of mistakes in my marriage that led to my wife not feeling love for me, but even in my deepest depression I have always loved her. I am going to continue to focus on my son, take care of myself and continue to get the help I need to beat my depression. Hopefully, someday, I will have the chance to decide whether I can rebuild a life with her again. I just have to completely let go of her and accept that it is already over.

[DB346]

All that peace and calm from yesterday is gone today. I'm having to sit in a different room from my son right now to not let him see me get emotional. I knew that feeling from yesterday wouldn't last, but I didn't expect it to flip this far the other way. What am I even trying to hold on to? She hasn't loved me for at least two years, and she's having an affair. Why am I letting this tear me apart like this?

[DavidUK]

DB345, it is because you are a good person and you and your son can be proud of that.

[DB346]

I like to believe that I'm a good person, but all the things she has said to me, and the self-reflection I've done have shaken that belief. I've lost the love of my life, and I'm looking at having to start over at nearly 40. I'm going to miss at LEAST half of the rest of my son's childhood. I'm going to miss holidays with him. I will be nearly 39 by the time we will be able to file for divorce (assuming we come to a separation agreement and I don't end up filing for adultery sooner), and I won't date as long as I am still married.

I need to stop feeling sorry for myself.

[LoneWlf]

I need to stop feeling sorry for myself

DB thanks for your input on my thread. And you are exactly right when you say you need to STOP feeling sorry for yourself. First of all this makes you look weak and unattractive to W. You need to show calmness and confidence.
And now you have a choice- To wallow in self pity or to dust yourself off, get up, chest out , chin up and move forward. You know what to do. From your response on my thread I think you can appreciate the saying that we taught my son when he was young. It says- Just do your best- And let God do the rest !!! Stay Well and Blessings!

[DB346]

Thank you LW. My hope and trust right is ONLY in the Lord. He is the only one that will be able to make my life whole again, with or without my wife.

[DB346]

Just having a hard day. Feeling way too down. Fortunately a friend just asked if I wanted to bring my son over to swim with his son. S7 will have fun and that always makes me happy. I'm just missing my W so bad today. It just hurts so much to know she is with someone else.

[Ste7e]

DB I feel for you brother. This is so hard for me and I dont have a child so this must be even harder for you. But the flip of that is also very much in your favor. First off you have a child to bring you joy and trust that because you and WW have this bond there is a chance of Rec down the road.
For now though you need to feel what you are going to feel to be able to move to where you need to get to.
I like you have a lot of regret about the lost time with W while in the depressive fog. But we need to not get stuck in the past we are here now and we need to make this time count! There is always hope in the future but if we dont do the work on ourselves now to be the men we need to be when the time comes all this suffering will be for nothing. Make this suffering count make this the point to change your life and yourself forever!
Root out the cause of the depression in you and slay that demon! Pray to your higher power to give you the strength to do this now. If you can do this you then have a fighting chance. Trust me you can be better than whatever BS your WW sees in other man. And you have a couple major advantages over this other guy so if you can tighten up your game logically you will win. So wipe that self doubt out and turn the pain into a spark of fire to keep fighting. What I have been able to figure out so far for myself is that without fail it takes me at most 24 hours to bounce back from whatever major low I am feeling. And I gain some good time on the flipside and that time grows longer and longer before I feel low again. So trust that even when it feels darkest it will pass.