WW having affair and pushing for divorce

[DB346]

Thank you for that Ste7e. I have zero doubt that her relationship with OM will fall apart. I'm just not interested in being plan B. I think that's one of the hardest things for me to process right now. I never wanted to lose her, never for one second believed she was capable of doing this, always wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. But, now that she's done this...I feel like I'm trying to convince myself that I actually want her back. I don't feel like I know who she is anymore.

We took a trip a couple weeks before BD, and I remember sitting across from her at dinner one night and feeling like I didn't recognize her. I mean, it was her, but it was like it was someone else in her body. I long to be with the woman I fell in love with, but I'm not sure I want to be with the woman she has become...

[mtb1981]

Thank you for that Ste7e. I have zero doubt that her relationship with OM will fall apart. I'm just not interested in being plan B. I think that's one of the hardest things for me to process right now. I never wanted to lose her, never for one second believed she was capable of doing this, always wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. But, now that she's done this...I feel like I'm trying to convince myself that I actually want her back. I don't feel like I know who she is anymore.

I feel you on this thought. I have struggled with it myself. At the beginning, I think I would have done anything to get her back. At this point, after all the crap she's pulled, I don't want to be with someone like that. You're exactly right when you say you don't know who she is anymore. My W has become a complete stranger and someone I would not want a relationship with. The problem is we have history together, and that's hard to just forget...

[DB346]

I feel you on this thought. I have struggled with it myself. At the beginning, I think I would have done anything to get her back. At this point, after all the crap she's pulled, I don't want to be with someone like that. You're exactly right when you say you don't know who she is anymore. My W has become a complete stranger and someone I would not want a relationship with. The problem is we have history together, and that's hard to just forget...

It's not just the history, but we had a FUTURE. At least, I thought we did. I know the last couple years were hard on her. It was hard to be ME, I can't imagine the way it had to have worn on her. But, now that I finally understand that I was fighting depression and I'm getting myself back, I see how great that future would be.

I realize now that SHE knew I was depressed, even if I didn't...But, she gave up on me.

[DB346]

S7 came in and woke me up this morning. That is so much better than the alarm clock. I'm so happy he is here, but I still feel alone. I'm not even sure that I actually want to be with my W anymore, but I can't help but feel horrible about the fact that while I'm struggling to keep it together in front of my son she's off with someone else. After all our years together, I just don't mean anything to her. Why do I let it bother me so much? My only concern is making sure that I get at least 50/50 custody.

If it wasn't for our son, I probably would have already filed for the at-fault divorce. She has lied to me at every step since BD. She lied about the text messages, she lied about there being an OM, she lied about who he was and how she met him. She has constantly lied to our S about where she has been or where she's going and why she didn't come home to him. She even lied to me about who recommended her lawyer to her (I know because she's given me at least two different stories).

I don't believe anything she says, because I CAN'T believe anything she says. And the only actions I have to work with are her pursuing the A with OM above everything else in her life, including S7, and her pushing for the separation agreement (seemingly to try to keep from facing an at-fault filing for adultery). So, I am moving forward with the separation agreement as long as she agrees to joint custody. If she decides she wants to fight, I will move forward with filing.

I'm letting her go...she's already gone. I know that I will come out of all of this better, stronger and happier, regardless of what she does. I just have to do the work, trust God and fight through the pain to get there. Now I need to go get ready to take S7 to church.

[DB346]

This just gets worse and worse. Son and I drove past W's parents' house on the way home from church and they were apparently having lunch with the whole family. W's brother and sister's families were there, as well as both W and OM's cars...so obviously her family is FULLY aware and supporting her A. I just don't think there is any coming back from this. I just have to move on with my life.

It's just hard to hold back the hurt of being able to be replaced so quickly. She threw me and more than 14 years away like trash. I feel like I should just let her have what she wants and go file for divorce. If she pushes back on the custody thing and won't agree, I am DEFINITELY going to at this point. She has no respect for me, our son or herself. I'm just done.

[DB346]

We aren't going to be able to keep this from our son anymore. She has him at the house with all of his cousins, so he is going to find out about OM. Why would she do that?

[DB346]

Any advice from anyone regarding how to handle the questions he is inevitably going to ask about this? I don't want to lie to him, but I want to be sure that my explanation to him is age-appropriate. I can't believe how selfish she is being.

[mtb1981]

I don't know, man... That's a tough one. I wouldn't lie to him, but I would also be careful to word things in a way that you don't sound like you're making W out to be some sort of monster. Off the top of my head, I would say something like "Mommy doesn't want to be married to me anymore, I don't know why, but there is nothing I can do about that. Just know that I love you very much and will always be here for you no matter what"...

As far as the other BS of her being at her parents' house with OM, you just gotta let that roll off your back. No good in getting bent out of shape about it and letting it consume you. Like you said, she's already gone. Let her go and don't let her actions affect you. Who knows, someday she may snap out of this and will want to have a new MR with you. Then again, maybe not. Right now, it's important to minimize the damage and effect it can have on you. Let her do all the dumb $hit she wants to. You just get busy to being awesome...

[DB346]

I'm only mad about him being there because my son spends a lot of time with his cousins and I know one of them will say something about him being there...I didn't want to have to address that with him, but I feel like we won't have a choice now.

[mtb1981]

I get that you're mad about it, but what can you do about it?... Nothing. You can't control what she does, so you have to accept it and train yourself to not be bothered by it. It's not an easy task, but with time you can get there. I don't know what else to tell you. You asked for advice on how to deal with the situation and talk to your S about it, but you're only focused on and still way too hung up on stuff you have no control over. What can can do is decide how to react to it and decide what you're going to tell S if he asks. Stop wasting your time being mad about it...