Thread #6: Piecing and R.....plus parenting a 15yo

[bhappy2]

Steve, just want to say thank you for taking the time to help so many on this board. I read all your responses and it has helped immensely. Sometimes our questions get answered from another poster posting the same thing. Cheers...

[SteveLW]

bhappy, thanks. I am not an expert by any means, but I try to use the gained knowledge from the reading, experience, and teaching of the vets here to help newbies. Sometimes it just helps to have responses, and that is what I try to do most. Just be there. Sometimes we just need allies in the fight.

[RR17]

It Didn't Start On Bomb Day
a DBing Dissertation by Steve85

Just now seeing this. Great points, Steve. The problems didn't start on BD day. It takes some of the mystery out of the WAW's behavior. I'm not sure where the 2 years came from but I'm not sure it is incorrect either and really doesn't matter.

LBS will fight this. IMO, we have to reach a point before we are willing to accept many of the concepts of DBing. Detachment and NGS are two elements that I think get misunderstood. Boundaries is another.

Even though I believe that I understand Detachment, I sometimes find myself still non-detached. I think it is natural. Being aware is what is important.

Someone said that they thought that even with DB that the odds are stacked against the LBS. I disagree. One would have to have mastered the techniques early on and executed them to give it a fair assessment. Personally, I expect many on here slip into some new dysfunctional normal and get tired of reading and stop Dbing until the next BD.
Once the imminent threat subsides, it is easy to see why LBS would be quick to stop the hard work.
Look at one of the most basic principles. Don't pursue. I've read over and over where LBS are told this and they say, Okay, and then explain how they pursued. This is Detachment 101. If you can't stop pursuing how will you ever know if it works. No, it's not easy. Nobody ever said it was. I know that newbies don't want to speak of moving on. But the principals of DB will help you regardless if you are able to save this M/R or better prepare you for the next one.

[SteveLW]

Personally, I expect many on here slip into some new dysfunctional normal and get tired of reading and stop Dbing until the next BD.

Such a great point RR17. It really requires being diligent. It is funny because it is such a weird dynamic.

1) Soon-to-be LBS stops trying in the MR. Soon-to-be WAS at some point gives up and starts planning an exit strategy.
2) BD hits. LBS suddenly start trying. WAS is done and the trying by the LBS just pushes them away faster.
3) LBS finally detaches, WAS wonders what is up and starts sniffing around.
4) LBS gets to choose whether or not to allow for R, or continue with D.

Here is the tricky part:

5) If LBS moves to R,NOW is the time to implement the changes that they tried in #2.

If they fail in #5, 1-4 will eventually repeat.

Please all of you, keep me accountable to NEVER slip back into #1!

[ovrrnbw]

Steve I think you're doing a great job being self aware. That's very important, such a huge step.

You've been awesome to help me, and like another poster said, you've helped me even when helping others.

Keep it up man, thank you.

[lusa]

I'd just like to second this Steve, reading your comments to other posters has helped me immensely!
Thank you

[SteveLW]

Thanks ovr and lusa.

Really my effort is to try and be a sounding board for the LBSs here. I try not to pretend to be an expert! All I've learned is what I've read...the same material available to anybody.

If anything I've typed has helped someone, great. If not....well at least they know I support them.

[neffer]

Knowledge gives you power Steve. You´ll end up being a blinking eyed DBuster master

[SteveLW]

Trying not to become overly attached.

After BD I did a lot of reading. And one of the common themes among anti-divorce experts was not being overly emotionally attached to your spouse. One auther (not MWD) referred to it as self-differentiation. I've been concerned that as we've been in R, and as we continue to reconnect, that I do not allow myself to become unhealthily attached. Differentiation in relationships is important for mental and emotional stability. I think the biggest problem you see on this site are LBSs that are just too attached to the idea of their spouse, whether or not that spouse actually exists.

Yesterday was my great-nephew's birthday. We attended, and I found myself much better about being separated from my W at the party. We still interacted, and we still sat together at times, but I didn't feel the need to be right with her every moment the way I've felt compelled int he month following BD. I feel this is a good sign in the maturation of our R, and as I continue to move to more healthy place. I even caught myself thinking (I had gone into the house to get in the AC and she was still outside talking to family) "wow, a few weeks and months ago I would feel anxious if I was separated from her like this".

Also, forgot to update that we date night last week and it went really well. Lots of good, fun, upbeat conversation. Our old house has been for sale for a couple of weeks now, so just over a week on date night last week, so we did discuss how that was going. Also talked a bit about how to continue dealing with D15. It was a very good evening though, we both commented on it afterward very positively and that we need to be more diligent about doing that more and more.

Things with D15 are going better to. I had to come to grips with the new normal that to her I am an old fuddy duddy, and dumb as a rock, and know nothing. The hardest part is the apparent lack of gratitude from her, but I guess entitlement is a normal domain for teens these days. Still difficult to swallow at times.

So overall, things continue to improve.I am going to discuss considering at least a 1 off MC session with my W, see what she thinks. We really can't go on regular basis until the house sells. I have plenty saved up to ride out it not selling for several months, but want to make sure that nest egg isn't broken into to make sure we have as much time as we need.

[Jim1234]

Steve, it's great to know things are getting on track with you.

As far as my D16 goes, I am getting dumber every day. Not getting dumber as fast as I was last year, but I'm still the dumbest person on the planet. Really, though, I think they are just all asserting themselves a little bit. I let mine know she's not entitled by taking the phone away, or not driving her to a friends, not giving her money for a movie, so she's more appreciative when I do, and it works pretty well. Especially taking the phone away....

Anyway, I think this is all very normal. D16's dealing with her parent's marital issues, too, and it's much harder on her than I first thought. Plus she has all the normal teenage angst.

Do you ever just take her out for dinner? That's something D16 and I enjoy, and it's nice to be able to talk without the usual distractions. (No phones at dinner!)