Wife gone- No Contact for 5 months

[kiro]

Thanks DnJ

The first mediation appointment has been scheduled for Aug 13.

Small text exchange this week-end with W about certain accounts and bills. She removed my name from 1 more shared account. I texted her that it's time that I stopped paying her car, insurance, and gym. She already cancelled her gym, and told me she will be returning her car. She wants this to be part of the settlement with mediation L.

I felt a little sad after that exchange and after she confirmed the appointment. But then I took a deep breath, got myself up and dusted off the dust.

Then, I decided to enjoy my week-end. I had organized a trip with a large group of friends. We spend the entire Sunday outside doing activities and we all had a blast. Then, we ended the evening in a nice restaurant and didn't come back home until 10pm. The kids and everyone really enjoyed it.

I felt good because I was the one who organised it all and it was a real success. As I said before, W doesn't want to remove herself from the Whatsapp group where we organize all these activities and share the photos. I am sure she has been following all our moves closely.

Everyone kept thanking me for the great time we all spent. We're now starting to plan more group activities for the rest of the summer.

Today, I also started cleaning up my paperwork and all my accounts. I changed all my passwords and started removing W from my medical insurance, life insurance, etc. I also closed our joint bank account.

Other than the house and the assets that have not yet been split, we don't have many shared things anymore except the kids and the old memories.

Thinking about it makes me feel sad again, but this is where we are. I have to accept it.

But it struck me again how odd all of this has been. This woman is someone I don't recognize. She is not the person I married and not the person I have known for over 17 years. She is not the person who was living me a year ago.

After everything we shared, all the good times together, all the intimate moments, all the love, the trust, the long conversations, and the family outings, after all of this, W treats me as someone she doesn't know, and as an enemy.

Until we went No-Contact 5 months ago, we were in very good terms (nice conversations, sharing info about everything, laughing, etc.) and then nothing happened other than stopping all contact. There was no fight and nothing that would have caused the bad feelings.

So I am astonished that our next conversations will have to be in front of a lawyer as we were total strangers.

Anyway, I wanted to vent out.

I still have to focus on my work and kids this week. Then, next week, we're off to Boston for 1-week vacation.

[DnJ]

I am glad your weekend trip was a success, with you and the kids really enjoying it. I am sure the trip to Boston is being eagerly anticipated by everyone.

Good for you - getting up, dusting yourself off, and accepting where you are. Yes it feels sad, no doubt about that. Please remember feelings are fleeting and not permanent, the sadness will lessen.

Oh my, cleaning up the paperwork, closing accounts, passwords, insurance, and all that stuff. There is a lot to do. I actually got the last two kids’ joint accounts with me and W closed just yesterday. The hold up was changing the kid’s account information with the government. With all that paperwork, there is so many other items that come up. You are pretty organized guy, you’ll keep it on track and make short work of it.

Your W is behaving like a different person right now. She needs to do this. She is driven to do this. It is not about you.

Your venting is clear and right on point.

Other than the house and the assets that have not yet been split, we don't have many shared things anymore except the kids and the old memories.

Shared things - kids and memories. Giving her time to remember the memories locked away in her mind is really is the essence of standing. The memories of a long term relationship is a powerful pull - lot of hope in that idea.

For the little while thing may get a bit rough. Stay strong Kiro. Stay focused. You are doing very well.

[kiro]

Thanks again DnJ.

I've closed all the shared accounts except the registered accounts like the kids' accounts. Those ones will need some work and I'll have to wait until we reach an agreement with the L.

I was just reading an article by Hearts Blessing about divorce. She says

"This process of uncoupling that your (spouse) says (s)he wants... must be gone through in full to teach both of you major lessons about different aspects of this divorce process that your (spouse) initiated."

I believe so too. This is something that must be gone through fully. I must learn to deal with my fear of loss. I already learned a lot when I had to deal with rejection and loss exactly a year ago after BD. This is phase 2 of this learning process. It is the time to reinforce what I learned and become even stronger emotionally.

And also the time to strengthen my faith in God.

Giving her time to remember the memories locked away in her mind is really is the essence of standing. The memories of a long term relationship is a powerful pull - lot of hope in that idea.

I will always remember what Irish wrote on one of his posts, about his daughter saying that their family life remained good after his W left and that it's actually his W that missed out on a lot of fun.

Honestly, I am starting to feel the same. The kids and I are still a solid family. We continue moving forward. We kept our family, our friends, and our life. And we are still building more happy memories for the future. The only difference is that she is missing out.

When we went out this week-end, everyone seemed so happy. I was the only single parent among 6 or 7 families. It didn't affect me too much. She will see all the photos on Whatsapp, and I can't imagine that she won't feel the loss of something valuable she had.

[kiro]

Today's thought about MLC and LBS:

IMO, the main reason MLCers go into MLC is because they fear aging and feel they will miss out on life. They panic and lose track of reality. Then they go astray and start acting immaturely destroying their lives and themselves in the process.

Nothing new, right? I bet everyone agrees more or less...

But I am also noticing in real life (not so much on this forum) that many LBSs react to the pains of rejection and loss by acting very immaturely, and they often fall in the very similar trap as their MLC spouse. Their main justification is that life is too short and that we only live once.

So they start engaging in selfish physical relationships without any intention of long term commitment. IMO, they harm themselves by doing this.

This is another reason to follow the wisdom found on this forum. Standing and not doing anything for some time is the best solution, not only for a possible reconciliation but to avoid falling in our own form of MLC.

Food for thought...

[rd500]

Hi Kiro, i hope it's ok to post on your thread. I havent read all your posts but i have seen a few. You posted about the WAS missing out and feeling the los when they see pictures online,, another view could be that they see the kids happy and this gives them comfort and reinforces that they were correct to leave because look , the family are fine without me.

My point is we have no idea what they are thinking so best not to try. Standing is your choice and I wish you the best but i would also echo something you posted about how you only get one life and you need to enjoy it as best you can. This is very very true.

Just my thoughts and again I hope it's ok to post.

Take care, Rd

[kiro]

Thanks rd500. Please post as much as you want on my thread. Not much happens in my Sitch for extended periods of time as we are in total no-contact W and I. So I just post general thoughts because I have no update to share just to keep the discussion going

I may have said something about W maybe feeling the loss when she sees the pictures, but to be honest I didn't really give it much thought as I don't really care what she thinks. It was nothing more than a thought that crossed my mind for a moment.

I guess you may be right. Who knows what she thinks? Her behavior during the 6 or 7 months after BD makes me think that she could have opposite thoughts in her head at the exact same time. She seemed to be very conflicted within herself.

I will add this however: I find many contradictions in the LBS mentality that is often preached on this forum and other similar sites. Maybe, I'll dedicate one of my future posts on all the contradictions I found.

We suggest to stand and do nothing about the sitch (and focus on ourselves and GAL). And we consciously use the term "moving forward" instead of "moving on". So basically, we're saying not to make an immediate decision to end the marriage and let the MLCer/WAS file for divorce if they want.

IMO, this is a clear proof that we are making a rational judgment about what MLC is and how MLCers behave in the short and long term. We are saying that many (not all) MLCers will choose to come back after they go through certain stages of MLC. And for that reason, we are choosing to stand.

Yet at the same time (this where there is a contradiction), we say that we shouldn't try to understand what the MLCer is thinking.

But the whole standing approach is based on a possible reconciliation.
(I know many will argue that it's not about reconciliation, but we all know it's not true. If we only wanted to heal and move on, none of us will be writing and reading posts on this forum, which is by the way called "divorce busting" for a reason. So let's not kid ourselves. I am saying this with all respect to anyone who doesn't agree with me )

So if we are honest with ourselves that reconciliation is something that we prefer over divorce, then we also have to be honest that we will always be curious about the MLCer's progress and will be looking for clues. I am not saying that we have to be emotionally attached to their behaviors. I am just saying that it is normal that we will often question what's going on in their heads.

Standing is your choice and I wish you the best but i would also echo something you posted about how you only get one life and you need to enjoy it as best you can. This is very very true.

Personally, I believe in God. And I believe in the afterlife. So although we have one life in this form, I believe that we have another eternal life. I had to say this because maybe it makes all the difference and it adds a totally different perspective.

Because of my faith mostly, I am not worried about missing out. Life has a very clear meaning to me. It's not all about pleasures. We need to enjoy it and make the best out of it, but there is also a place for being patient and not necessarily having everything we want or we think we want.

Aging doesn't scare me. I am good in my skin and I am grateful for what I have. Living happily and enjoying life doesn't mean going out every night, dating right away, or having fun. It only means being content with what we have, being good in our own body, and living according to our core beliefs and values.

[rd500]

Hi, i would agree with almost all you have posted above. While I'm not religious i do believe in karma ( my higher power) and like most have core values that would concur with most religions and their basic ( peaceful ) teachings.

On the standing part and seeing conflict in the WAS , i would disagree but only to the point of what you see and what you perceive from that. My W left myself and the kids 4 years ago and I posted on here about my perception of her conflict and for the first two years her actual words because we still communicated. She often showed regret and to this day messages me about her loss and unhappy life but i believe we have zero real understanding of the WAS because our perceptions are based on who we thought WAS to be and not who they are now.

My thoughts / advice to a LBS are let go of perceptions and deal with realities, be the lighthouse and follow this sites advice because it will save you first and foremost and hopefully your M. Be the best you and only do things from your heart and not to influence WAS in any direction as they must go through this in their time frame. I refuse to communicate with W unless ita by email and only then about the kids. Two weeks ago she asked for a.loan which i gave and i can honestly say it was given with zero expection of her reaction.

I started dating after 2 years when i knew I was finished with the M. We were together over 25 years and married ( upto BD) 20 years. It was not easy to let go but life is now good again. My advice on living your life means just that. If standing is for you then all power to you but this life ( as most religions will advise) is for living to its fullest. That is easily done while standing for your M.

Again , these are just my thoughts and opinions after going through my stuff.

Take care , Rd

[kiro]

rd500, thank you again for posting your thoughts here. I need any support and advice that I can get. Sometimes, I may give the impression that I know exactly what I am talking about, but I don't

You bring very good points. And it actually makes a lot of sense.

i believe we have zero real understanding of the WAS because our perceptions are based on who we thought WAS to be and not who they are now.

Very good point. You're right. I still struggle with this idea, not only because I can't understand how someone can change so drastically in a short period of time, but also because I can't believe how any normal human being can behave in such a childish way.

What I am trying to say is that when I am judging my W or trying to understand what she is thinking, I am not only doing it based on how she was before BD. I also try to imagine how any normal person would think in a similar situation.

But I guess MLCers are unlike any other person. They are as unpredictable as it can get.

My thoughts / advice to a LBS are let go of perceptions and deal with realities, be the lighthouse and follow this sites advice because it will save you first and foremost and hopefully your M. Be the best you and only do things from your heart and not to influence WAS in any direction as they must go through this in their time frame. I refuse to communicate with W unless its by email and only then about the kids. Two weeks ago she asked for a loan which i gave and i can honestly say it was given with zero expectation of her reaction.

I started dating after 2 years when i knew I was finished with the M. We were together over 25 years and married (up to BD) 20 years. It was not easy to let go but life is now good again. My advice on living your life means just that. If standing is for you then all power to you but this life ( as most religions will advise) is for living to its fullest. That is easily done while standing for your M.

Thanks for sharing this. So do you think she is going through a crisis or do you think she just changed? Or you don't know and don't care? Just curious

Can I ask why you refuse to communicate except by email?

Since you are with someone else now, does this mean that you are totally done forever with your W?

Sorry for asking so many questions.

For me, my W left about 8 months ago. Up to last Nov, we were still living together and still intimate. So although BD was more than a year ago, this is still somewhat fresh for me.

I don't think I am ready yet for another relationship, but I don't disregard the idea. All I was trying to say in my previous message was that I am not panicking about getting old and not finding a new partner. It's more important for me now to detach, rebuild myself, become the best that I can be, and continue to take care of my kids.

And I'd rather wait until I am ready to find the right partner and build a strong relationship than jump into quick dating just to feel good about myself. 2 years sounds like the right amount of time to start dating again. I still have at least another year to go

[kiro]

Hi everyone,

I guess I do need real advice right now as I just got a long email from W. Almost the first true communication from her since BD over a year ago.

So yesterday, I was watching a video about the beauty of religion. And I decided to forward it to her but without any comment. This is the first time I do this.

Today, I received a long email from her that I'll try to summarize below:

She mentions the video and then explains that she still believes in God but that faith means surrendering to the flow of life and letting go of everything. And that she had to surrender to God'will and venture into the unknown.

Then she goes on about how she knows that her leaving caused me a lot of suffering, and that she knows that because of the suffering she felt when her mother died. Then she says that she is not going to justify it by how I mistreated her because she is beyond that now.

She then starts talking about being authentic to one's self and how she has always living 2 lives in our marriage, a seemingly perfect life on the outside and a sad one inside. She says she tried giving me another chance but she was being untrue to herself.

And she explains that she is still in the healing process and this is why she blocked me out for the past year. She doesn't want anymore confusion. And that everything fell into place which was a sign of God.

Then a long paragraph about the kids. In summary, if she is in a good place herself, it will inspire them who have to find their own inner calling. And that they will reach out for help if they need her.

And then she hopes that we will continue being friends after the healing process. And she hopes to have a beautiful and peaceful divorce.

That's it! I have no clue what to do with this. Answer? Think about it? Ignore it?

[kiro]

If I were to answer right now, my response would have probably been something like:

" Thank you for the long and elaborate email. Happy that you finally came out and maybe for the first time in the last 18 years made a real effort to communicate openly how you felt.

Your perspective of life and particularly your life is interesting, but seems too complicated in my opinion.

This inner split you talk about maybe is not really an inner split as much as it is an inner pain and inner issues that you never learned to deal with. The fact that you hid your inner pains doesn't mean that you were split and unauthentic.

I think you never faced the real issues that caused this inner pain and you tried to hide it by ignoring it and trying to show an external happy face. And now, you decided to run away because you can't keep that happy face anymore.

The real issue is not with the happy face, the running, or the double life. The real issues are things you never dealt with inside. It doesn't seem to me that you are dealing with them now either. Or maybe? But it's not about me, the kids, or letting go. It's about dealing with your inner sadness.

Whether you show a happy face or not, whether you stay or you leave, whether you believe in God or not, the question is why did you feel sad inside?

If you think that your problem was related to your life, your marriage, me, the kids, or whatever you had, then you are seeking the answers where you will never find them. Look inside. Seek help if you need. Don't be ashamed of your inner pains and issues. Be open about them. Have faith in God. And have courage.

Good luck"


Something like that but I won't send it. I just needed to write it somewhere to get it out of my system