Advice on my scenario pt. 20-Shock Therapy

[OrangeK]

it's also really tough as I'm at that age where a lot of my friends are having their second child and getting into the golden period of their marriage friends who have bought houses and are raising their families happily together. that's all I ever wanted and it's what I thought I had, moreover I thought it was with the woman of my dreams. emotionally I'm still doing fine today it just kind of stinks when you have those realizations that others seem to effortlessly thrive and are living the life that I had dreamed for her and I and had ripped away. these are all really great people and close friends and I'm super happy for them and their families are beautiful and amazing, I just miss being part of that club

[sandi2]

You are grieving, Orange. It's okay, just don't contact her, thinking it will help your feelings.

[OrangeK]

don't worry Sandy I'm not, we have not spoken since last Friday, which I posted about. She has not messaged me since Monday and I haven't replied to that message still.

[OrangeK]

The silence from pdwife is bit unnerving. I was driving home with my friend who just got in from out of country and i passed her and om leaving my house after picking up s3 from sil. Still NC. wife was very short and rude with sil while arranging s3 pickup.

[SteveLW]

The silence from pdwife is bit unnerving. I was driving home with my friend who just got in from out of country and i passed her and om leaving my house after picking up s3 from sil. Still NC. wife was very short and rude with sil while arranging s3 pickup.

Likely still miffed about the tuition thing.

When is the final court date?

[OrangeK]

9/11.
One week before 2 year anniversary.

I agree, things are not working out how she wanted.

[neffer]

And you are in control of your life Orange. Keep staying strong.

[OrangeK]

I am in control, although it is still seeming difficult to maintain said control.
I can still feel the wheel of the "Cycle" or recovery rolling, but i feel it less keenly each time around.


Mind reading most likely, but i feel like the "Loss or series of losses" is mounting for her, here are the reasons I think this to be the case.

1.) The Exposure of Affair - The affair was an impulse decision, and as it was exciting, new and fun, she maintained it. I dont believe She ever wanted me to find out about the affair, She hid it for months, fervently, and denied it for months, despite mounting evidence. She lied about the scope of the affair and lead me on for months until i surrendered the apartment.
I believe her intention was originally to keep the affair secret (although she messed up in doing this) and stay in the marital home.

2.) The Apartment - As mentioned above, she was very careful to instill false hope during Oct-Dec before i surrendered the apartment. Once she knew the MH was going away, and her stuff would have to move, she wouldnt have a landing pad, and that I was standing up for myself, her demeanor changed dramatically. She want from wishy washy with Hope and Hurt, to 100% cold discard. She Never expected me to leave our home or move on by myself.

3.) Caught Red Handed - When I caught her at OM's house in Jan after she had told me several times they were just friends, it was a ONS, they werent seeing eachother.

4.)Divorce - Despite yelling "I WANT A DIVORCE" in MC meeting in Jan, she never filed, and had AMPLE time to do so.
I dont think she ever expected me to go through with it, and it caused serious personal narcissistic injury when I did. Causing her to "Hate" me more.

5.) Her Car - Her car died and she is now RELIANT on OM for a vehicle, he is also the only place they hang out with. She seems to have already alienated his friends.

6.) Custody - She wanted the custody schedule to stay the same as we had set it up back in Oct. She wasnt pleased when the Court issued a new one that was mandatory. It conflicted with her schedule.

7.) Child Support / Daycare - This is a big one. She has thought this whole time the divorce would go her way at every turn. Since the notice that I am not responsible for Daycare, she has very much shut down. Isnt reaching out antagonistically or with false concern like she was a few weeks back. She was VERY cold and rude to SIL yesterday.

8.) Nobody Cares - Most of what she does is motivated by attention seeking. The Drama and hubbub of the affair/divorce and new R with OM has lost its social impact. Life is returning to normal, just work and Childcare, day to day stuff. But now she doesnt have a home, a car, independence, or nearly as much free time or available spending money. The cascade of BS is starting to pile up around her legs.
Moreover, She has had to explain and deal with the social fallout of explaining what happened, lying about it, and dealing with people who know the truth of what happened.

Sandi - Does this sound like the type of "Losses" you refer to ?

[OrangeK]

I guess i am wondering why instead of feeling more empowered by Detachment and NC working its magic, i am feeling more and more anxious as the gap of time widens from last time She and I communicated.

I spent a lot of time trying to self reflect on why I am the way I am, and do what I do, Feel what I feel this past week.

I find myself hitting a lot of dead ends there.

I still struggle with the Logic vs. Emotion cognitive dissonance, despite realizing more and more each day how disingenuous, fake, unmotivated, lazy and deceptive PD-WIFE is, and always was.

It like my emotional side REALLY doesnt want to accept what the Logical Side has been explaining, and proving for months.

there is still 5% of me that is waiting to wake up from a nightmare, and realize none of this actually happened.

I have been doing better at moving these feelings aside, enjoying my day and dealing with said emotions later on in the day when I am alone, but I very very much look forward to the day where I realize I havent even thought of her fro days on end.
That will be so liberating.

[NicoleR]

OrangeK, I wish I had those answers. A real psychologist or family therapist would probably be able to help more than the people on this forum though. Here people might tell you what to do or how you should be feeling but sometimes they fail to do what we really need the most - listen and understand. So my response is that you seem to be putting a lot of pressure on yourself, and you're probably feeling a lot of pressure from people who are not experts to do certain things or act a certain way, but sometimes you'll still be struggling and you simply want to talk through your thought process with someone who understands. If you don't get that here then hopefully your new IC will help. Oftentimes we also need to figure things out for ourselves. Even if someone else gives you the answer (like "just move on!") it won't help much until you come to that realization yourself. It seems like it'll take a long time to get your wife off your mind. It's still been less than a year. It could take a long time, but you're recognizing your progress and you seem to be good at analyzing yourself. Maybe you'll have a realization tomorrow that'll help you to move forward more effortlessly. Maybe you're getting burned out from all this analyzing and suffering so maybe one day you'll just be so tired of it that you'll become disaffected and won't care anymore. If you find yourself doing well enjoying your day when you're busy doing other things that's great! I don't know. It's so hard to stop analyzing, especially as new things keep happening and throw you off all over again, but if you're moving on a positive trajectory then at least you can have hope this will get better someday!