My W moved out 2 months ago because she needed time and space to go find her self. Turns out there was an OM in the works.
This is very important for other posters to here.
I heard this from another anti-divorce expert (not MWD), and I repeat it often. WASs don't have to move out for time and space, or to find themselves. They have to move out because they want to sleep with other people. That is not said to hurt, it is said to wake-up. You see so many LBSs are in denial about their being someone else. in 99.99999% of the time there is someone else. Even if, as some of the vets around here point out, it is a fantasy of someone else. A monkey doesn't jump off the solid branch they are on until they've identified another solid branch to leap to.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So in Feb I could kinda tell that my W just really wasn't liking me. Kind of snappy. I thought it was because she didn't feel good. She has kidney disease and is in need of a transplant. I was leaving her alone thinking she was sick. Then she told me she wanted to move to her parents on April 7. She left and came back an hour later saying that she wanted to work it out at home. So I babied her like none other.. probably over did it. But then on May 20 she told me she still wasn't feeling it. I didn't know there was another guy in the works. She told me she might have feeling for some one but hasn't acted on them. So she moved out and I begged and pleaded for 2 weeks. Then I stopped and gave her time and space to make up her mind. On July 9 I was all emotional and called and pressured her to tell me what she wants and who she wants. She told me that day she wanted a D. I was devastated and have been ever since. Everyday I am scared it will get worse and worse so I avoid talking to her. So I know she had been crushing on the guy at work for at least 2 years. And then she left and it opened up the doors. She was probably have an EA for months but then I asked how far they had gone. She said only kissing but you know I know better. It really [censored] bad that she is caught up in this infatuation and can't get out. I know she will wake up from the fog and realize the damage she did to me and family. And what type of guy chases a 38 year old woman married with 4 kids??? He is single 33 year old...must be hard up and his issues will surface like nude pictures of Madonna. So my sitch is brand new to me but probably a year in the making for the W. She keeps telling me that she had been wanting to leave for a long time. I don't believe that. I am not abusive what so ever. I don't drink or go out...Im a family man!! Love to come home to family and now its gone!
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
Steve, I agree with you 100%. I had a gut feeling there was something and that we were falling apart. I told her the night before that my instincts were telling me something was wrong. After she took off is when she revealed there was another guy. I had never been in this sitch before and had no idea what to do. I kept talking to her thinking this is not real and lets go home. I was wrong...dead wrong. Here I am on DB trying to find ways to get her to come home. So now I'm down to detach GAL and 180.
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
I feel for you Lane. Its terrible. I can only imagine what we would be labeled by friends and family if we were the ones doing this. Pretty s****y thing to do to your families. I dont know how often you post Lane, but Im going to follow your situation and support you. Like you said, one day at a time.
Steve, its weird but i knew from day 1 that my W was most likely having a PA. She just started coming in at 3/4 in the morning with no explanations and acted like it was all normal. I just didnt have any proof. It took me almost a year to get some proof. Crazy thing is that no matter what proof you have, the W will still deny it. Im like "you cant deny it, i read the messages"..etc. We went from 15 years of happy and yes predictable family life, to "where is mom at"?
Your also right, as is the case with my W, she wasnt going anywhere unless she already had a replacement in hand.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
I agree..but they rewrite the whole marriage to make it seem like it was us the whole time for like years. And some of it was..no doubt. But it takes 2. I know we made a lot of mistakes but we got through them. The Ws didn't though. They kept it in the back of their mind and prepared an escape by acting normal and sleeping in the same bed and going about it like a normal day. I feel for you and your son more than you know. 17 years of a noisy fun home to now an empty quiet house now. Its so sad its pathetic. I know I am a new guy, but I know I have a big heart and want to lift people up around me no matter what. What a mess were in...you and I didn't sign up for this at all. This will and has pushed us beyond our limits. Because you and I both know that we would never do this to anyone. It floors me that the Ws are capable of such damage. My wife just texted me asking if she can have the kids tonight after she asked if I would take them. I was thinking she was hanging with the OM all night again, WOW is all I can say. I told her I would drop my D10 off in a while. Its sad but I find comfort when my kids are with her so she doesn't go out all night ..no what I mean?
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
I definitely know what you mean. I would find relief just knowing my W was at work, and I actually knew where she was. I spent the better part of a year not knowing where she was, who she was with, or when she would be home. I would get home from work around 3, and she would leave around 4 and not come back home until 3/4 in the morning. That was probably 4-5 nights a week. My son was 13 when it started, and when he asked questions (when would she be home etc), she basically yelled at him. She did a complete 180. Sadly, I know if the tables were turned she would have left me the first week.
She has definitely rewritten the marriage. She makes it seem like she wasnt happy pretty much the entire time. Also, conveniently forgets all that Ive done for the family(we both sacrificed a lot).
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
yeah, my W would always be in bed by 9 or 10 at night. Now she's stays out until 2 am. Even the partiers are home in bed by 2. I tried to stay up until 2 a couple weeks back. It was hard. I could not handle 3/4 in the am like you've been doing. You're right if the tables were turned it would have been done. You're a very patient man. She is so lucky to have a guy like you that is trying to keep the family together. She doesn't even realize it. I really really really think if you detach and start living your life like she's not there, it will make a major change. You will look in the mirror and see a man that has given it his all. Try to convince your self you're sick of the turmoil and tired of being emotionally drained every day of your life. I know how it feels. I get so mentally exhausted that I can't even lift my arms or find ambition to mow the lawn or do anything. I know you have had a good days. Just know there will be more of those coming. You just need to worry about you and your son. I know he sees you as the strong one and will never let him down. Raise him to be better than you. I have 4 kids I am currently reassuring them that I love them and will never leave them ever. Never bad mouth his mother. If they ask just let them know that she is making some not so good choices right now. But your the rock. He will remember that the rest of his life and more than anything he will remember how you made him feel. So if you hang in there another day..I will too.
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
I guess when you think about it these women probably "detached" over the course of a few years and we just didn't know it. Now they are just full of resentment and bitterness towards us.
Great point but why are they full of resentment and bitterness towards us?
My W moved out 2 months ago because she needed time and space to go find her self. Turns out there was an OM in the works.
This is very important for other posters to here.
I heard this from another anti-divorce expert (not MWD), and I repeat it often. WASs don't have to move out for time and space, or to find themselves. They have to move out because they want to sleep with other people. That is not said to hurt, it is said to wake-up. You see so many LBSs are in denial about their being someone else. in 99.99999% of the time there is someone else. Even if, as some of the vets around here point out, it is a fantasy of someone else. A monkey doesn't jump off the solid branch they are on until they've identified another solid branch to leap to.
I have to say that I had been wanting to leave W for a few days to get some space as W was being so abusive to me and I didn't have someone else, but I would have been willing to listen to W to work on the R. However, W then left days later and refuses to talk about R, wants D and had planned it in advance of leaving, and has been telling lies... so I'm confused whether she has OM or not.
My W moved out 2 months ago because she needed time and space to go find her self. Turns out there was an OM in the works.
This is very important for other posters to here.
I heard this from another anti-divorce expert (not MWD), and I repeat it often. WASs don't have to move out for time and space, or to find themselves. They have to move out because they want to sleep with other people. That is not said to hurt, it is said to wake-up. You see so many LBSs are in denial about their being someone else. in 99.99999% of the time there is someone else. Even if, as some of the vets around here point out, it is a fantasy of someone else. A monkey doesn't jump off the solid branch they are on until they've identified another solid branch to leap to.
I have to say that I had been wanting to leave W for a few days to get some space as W was being so abusive to me and I didn't have someone else, but I would have been willing to listen to W to work on the R. However, W then left days later and refuses to talk about R, wants D and had planned it in advance of leaving, and has been telling lies... so I'm confused whether she has OM or not.
Why are.you confused?
It makes not one bit of difference.
See it for what it is... your welfare is of no concern to her at the moment. So you are wasting valuable energy thinking or trying to work things out.
She is selfish and abusive. To want to be with someone like this shows a lack of self esteem.
