Thanks again, all you well wishers. This is the first time I have ever had to make the decision to euthanize. Of course, the poor thing perked up around 24hrs. the vet was scheduled to arrive.
Thinking back, although not intentional, the Lighthouse was exactly what I was. Thanks, LoneWlf for the reminder. I also showed a vulnerable side that none of my family had ever seen. Nor that I had experienced in a very long time.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Just a quick update. W and D heading to the beach. I've not expressed any opinions. I'm kind of looking forward to having the house to myself. I continue to do a lot of reading. W continues to seem to enjoy our time together. She enjoys my listening while I keep most all my business to myself.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
I'm kind of looking forward to having the house to myself.
GOOD! I've got to say, I have read a hundred comments from LBS's that they've detached and not believed a single one of them. You know how I can tell when someone is REALLY detaching? They make statements like yours.
AnotherStander, I totally agree. Detachment is not something that I understood until I experienced it. And I can't say I've mastered it. Initially, I thought it was just a version of "going dark" or pulling back to get the WW to take notice.
It is something all relationships require to thrive. It is when we become too enmeshed that we become too reliant on another for the way we feel. Unhealthy. This applies to all relationships, IMO. To borrow from another, we should love in a way that each other feels free. Steve85 has often reminded us that we are to believe her actions more than their words. It's easy to try to decipher every little conversation while we forget that often they are struggling as well and words can be nothing more than defense mechanisms to combat whatever pain or struggle the W is experiencing. A way to push back. This in no way justifies their actions. I think I started to figure it out when I grew more comfortable with the idea that life without this MR wasn't the end of the world and in fact had its own benefits.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Not much new here. W and Ds came back from the beach. No kissing, but W gave me a big hug when they were leaving and I initiated one when they returned. FWIW
All has been good and clam except for D19's blow up when I was explaining to W that somehow we had blown through our shared data plan and that it could possibly be a setting on D15s new phone. D19 is very strong-willed like her father and a typical teen that thinks she knows it all. Disrespectful outbursts insue.
Anyway, later it dawned on me that the argument may not even be about the data at all, but possibly the D19 hearing me speak to W and in her mind, gain control over the mother she has had in her palm for the last week. A power struggle if you will. One of my pet peeves has been how W remains passive when Ds show disrespect. In the past, W has said that she didn't feel it was her place to get involved. IMO, it is an excuse to remain impartial and nonconfrontational. I have said that I would never alow them to talk to their mother that way. This time I expressed my frustration and stated that I thought she should say something to D19. She agreed that she would. I have my doubts. People-Pleasers are the worst.
Later I explained my theory regarding this power struggle. W said, "Well, nobody controls me." I agreed. I also asked her to consider the dynamic.
Points is, W is making major changes in the respect department. Not just in regard to Ds or lip service to avoid confrontation. But in regards to letting me know what is going on and taking me into consideration (most of the time) when decisions are being made. Asking if I need anything at the store etc. Treating me better than a third wheel that gets in the way of The 3 Amigas. We watch movies that I pick out and W seems to genuinely enjoy my company. She seems to look forward to these intentional times together.
But still no intimacy. I have stopped trying to initiating. She takes some measures as to not taught me. If you know what I mean. And that is fine. Not optimal but I'll survive.
What I'm wondering is if this is some kind of control dynamic in its self.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Happy Friday you Centered, Confident and Detached DBers!
Here's a story that I want to chronicle as well as I hope can help others.
So this Wednesday W said she wanted to go to the Costco after work. Based on past experience with this poor communicator I took it to mean that W wanted me to join. You see I am expected to draw intended conclusions based on abstract verbal illustrations. I had been intentionally absent the couple evenings before and why not?
So I make a point to be home as W is getting home and ask about a plan. Big mistake. You see D15 had requested W perform some errands during the prior scheduled event. Fine with me. I ask what time do you want to go to Costco? She replies with the other errands and this and that. I say, "That's not the question I ask". Anyway you get the picture and things escalated quickly and she said "What I'm not doing is this" and stormed out the door with D15. Fine with me.
So I intend to drop the issue and return to the bliss that is our cohabitation as friendly roommates. Next morning she is acting suspiciously. Well, this got to me and I checked Ws phone when she took a shower. I saw a text with a W of some friends of ours regarding the recent demise of our family dog. Friend asked if we were going to get another and my W replied "No, I am trying to get folks out of my house" laughing emoji
Well, this pissed me off and contrary to my best judgment, I reacted instead of responding. I know, bad RR17. I confronted W and as expected she said: "what are you doing with my phone." I responded, "I'm reacting to suspicious behavior". W said she was talking about getting the kids out.
So I set a boundary. "If you think it's okay to disrespect me to our friends, you will regret it" "If you think that our current status grants license to start up your next little something, it does not." Seems self-evident, but WWs don't think like normal people. Once again she assured me that there was nothing going on and left for work.
One last bad decision on my part. I had to send on more text message while she was on her way to work. "Just so I can understand your perspective. I don't deserve respect but you deserve to be trusted. Is that correct?" As expected she didn't reply.
Well, I resorted to that closure and had no intention of continuing any type of punishment. I dropped it.
For the last 2 days, W has been pouting around when I am present. Not cold shoulder, but woe is me, pouting. This morning I told her a story about her 85 year old dad asking for plumbing advice and how I felt he was getting personally involved in the project and MIL might want to watch the purse strings. I can't stand contractor that take advantage of old people. W listened and agreed. Still blue and pouty all the while. Me? Not reacting to her state.
So, if your still here. IMO, W is now trying to control me with her "feel sorry for me" manipulation. The "No intimacy" control didn't seem to work so W in on to other techniques.
I am not perfect and I still make mistakes, but I have also reached a point of detachment where I can see what the intended dynamic probably is and rise above it. I hope others find this helpful and upon finding themselves in a situation where their W try to control through manipulation, perhaps they will remember this post and prevail.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
RR17, I had started to respond to your prior update but I was on my phone and it wasn't going well. LOL (Too many typos.)
However, we are past that. Yes WWs like to use lots of manipulations to their advantage to control. Your radar is dead on with that.
However, let me caution you on the overly sensitive LBS thing. Because this is something I am seeing more and more with LBSs. Believe it or not, sometimes the problem with something the WAS/WS does or says is with the LBS, not the WAS. What do I mean? A comment said in jest (I am trying to get people out of my house!) is taken the wrong way due to the sitch. If your W had said that and your marriage was perfect, then you would never have taken that comment the way you did. This is why it is important to take a minute before reacting. Because a LBS' initial reaction is USUALLY the wrong one. At least until they get really good at DBing and detachment.
Now I know you already have admitted that the actions above were not good. So I won't lecture you. However, you had gotten to a place where you thought you were detached. Detached means you wouldn't have looked at her phone. Nor sent the text afterward that you sent. I know respect is rightfully a big thing when dealing with a WW. However I don't see how a potentially innocent joke in jest on a private text exchange is the same as open disrespect. Open disrespect was her storming out of the house with D15 after the escalation. To me that was worse than a joking text to another woman.
Just some things to consider moving forward. We all struggle and make mistakes. The key is to learn from them and do better from that point forward.
Upward and onward my friend!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
