...but it ended up with her implying her A was justified because of things she has put up with over time. I know their thinking isnt rational for the most part, but to try to justify the fact that youve been having a PA is beyond me. How does anyone justify that? Then to look at me with evil in her eyes as if Im the bad guy in this is completely crazy. All the while everyone thinks she is the saint(her family plus counselor).
Yup that's the famous "rationalization hamster" at work. She's fully in WAS-land where up is down and down is up and adultery is justified and she is right and you are wrong. The best way to react when a WAS says idiotic things like it being your fault she's having an affair is to look at her like a 3rd eye suddenly sprouted in the middle of her forehead. Like- curious, astonished, disbelieving all at the same time, right? Don't argue with her or anything, just give her that WTF look and maybe shake your head and walk away. Here's the thing- she KNOWS it's wrong. She KNOWS what she is saying is stupid. So you don't need to tell her. If she chases you down and challenges your reaction just tell her you've got nothing to say to her.
Listening and validation is great, but not always appropriate. I think when a WAS is going off the rails like this you do not validate.
Such great advice, AS. Sometimes its best to be incredulous and walk away.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
...but it ended up with her implying her A was justified because of things she has put up with over time. I know their thinking isnt rational for the most part, but to try to justify the fact that youve been having a PA is beyond me. How does anyone justify that? Then to look at me with evil in her eyes as if Im the bad guy in this is completely crazy. All the while everyone thinks she is the saint(her family plus counselor).
Yup that's the famous "rationalization hamster" at work. She's fully in WAS-land where up is down and down is up and adultery is justified and she is right and you are wrong. The best way to react when a WAS says idiotic things like it being your fault she's having an affair is to look at her like a 3rd eye suddenly sprouted in the middle of her forehead. Like- curious, astonished, disbelieving all at the same time, right? Don't argue with her or anything, just give her that WTF look and maybe shake your head and walk away. Here's the thing- she KNOWS it's wrong. She KNOWS what she is saying is stupid. So you don't need to tell her. If she chases you down and challenges your reaction just tell her you've got nothing to say to her.
Listening and validation is great, but not always appropriate. I think when a WAS is going off the rails like this you do not validate.
Sadly, I dont know if she thinks what she is saying or doing is wrong I think she is fully convinced she is right. She is in the middle of a MLC, and the things she does and reasoning for it is are completely ridiculous.
I do have a question for my DB mentors:
My W is going back to counseling. Its possible she may invite me to a session, but Im starting to change my mind about going. I let her know that i have no intention to discuss our R, but want to discuss our S and the things shes been doing and how he feels about them. She thinks its perfectly fine for a moter to be gone all the time, come in at 3/4 am and nobody knows where she is at. Is it worth going to or should i steer clear for the time being?
I think she may possibly want to discuss MLC, and have her counselor explain to me that it isnt causing what shes been doing. I do know that her intentions are to keep trying to prove that Im the bad guy. I dont understand why she keeps bringing up the same issues, when im addressing/addressed all of them, apologized for them (way before DB discovery) and a lot of time has gone by. Im guessing it fuels her justification for her A?
I do love my wife, but id be lying if i didnt say her behavior disgusts me and makes my stomach turn. Not only does she have an A, she also pillow talks w/ OM about my son and I. She has broken every sacred bond you can in a marriage and a family. What would make her think its ok to discuss family business with OM, and discussing my S with him too? That infuriates me. My S is OFF LIMITS.
How I stop myself from arguing with her, or going off on her can only be God's strength. She likes to push buttons and put me down in an attempt to start an argument. Ive figured out over time that arguments and anger fuel her A. When she gets mad she runs straight to OM in one way or another whether through text or in person.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
[/quote]I do love my wife, but id be lying if i didnt say her behavior disgusts me and makes my stomach turn. Not only does she have an A, she also pillow talks w/ OM about my son and I. She has broken every sacred bond you can in a marriage and a family. What would make her think its ok to discuss family business with OM, and discussing my S with him too?[/quote]
E,
You know all of this and you would take her back in a heart beat. She knows this also, that is why you are of very low value in her eyes. She has zero respect for you RIGHT NOW hence she will tell you about the pillow talk WTF?
A person who loves and values himself is not going to put up with this BS. Right now when I read your sitch all I hear is "whoa is me" look what the MLC is doing to me. I have yet to hear any of your goals, 180s, GAL activities. Are you working out? Are you in IC? Reading books?
You have to grow some BALLS my friend, roll up your sleeves and get to work. Try to get a little better at something each day. Failure to do so will continue to cause you immense pain my friend.
I know this sounds harsh and you were given a [censored] sandwich as we all were at one point. You will survive this and thrive if you put in the work.
Maybe I should have made it a little clearer. W didnt volunteer info about talking to OM about my family, I found that when i was snooping because I didnt have proof of the full extent of R with OM at the time. She would NEVER tell that to me. She knows better than that. Shes lied to me for almost a year and a half.
That said, if you look back through the thread Im working on my own biz, exercising now(daily), reading DR, working in going back to school for a new degree, and spending lots of time with S. I also told W I wont keep living in what is basically an open marriage, if she wants to file then so be it, but i wont keep doing it. She obviously wasnt happy, but i dont have anyrhing to lose. I cant say i would take her back in a heartbeat anymore. Way too much damage has been done by her. She would have to earn it now. I no longer put that emphasis on myself. I feel completely different about her than even a month ago. More and more I feel xompletely disgusted by her actions as a whole.
Ive probably 180'd a few times because I didnt know what i was doing at first. Im doing for S and myself now, not spending time with W, and creating goals for myself as shown above.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
1) If she invites you to attend counseling with her, go. 2) DO NOT TAKE THE BAIT, no matter what. I don't care if she calls your mother filthy names, just walk away.
You're right, WWs do not have remorse. Earlier in my sitch I asked my W point blank if she was sorry she had an EA, or sorry she got caught. She fully admitted that she was sorry she got caught. This is a woman that won't utter a curse word, nor watch anything over a PG movie or show. Very pious and religious.
Scrambled eggs for brains!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks again Steve! I appreciate it. Wasnt sure at all about #1. Am I right to keep counseling talk strictly related to son and possibly MLC talk or....??
Last edited by equalzr; 08/01/1807:28 PM.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
I disagree about counseling. Going to counseling with a W who is in an open A is a complete waste of time and money.
I agree, but im not foing to discuss our M at all. It would be to discuss our son and how hes being hurt by this right now. W is clueless and thinks hes only being influenced by me and my thoughts on my W. Ive been really debating if its good or not to go. Just not sure anything positice can come out of it. Id like my W to go to IC, but she really needs a counselor to be honest with her, and not only that my W only tells the counselor bits and pieces of the story to influence what the counselor is thinking about her story. Its the equivalent of taking your car to the mechanic and telling them it only needs a little air in the tire when you know good and well the engine is knocking loudly and its running very rough. You cant get anywhere unless your open/honest, and I dont think my W is anywhere near ready to do that wity anyone, even a counselor who is only there for her. My W thinks very highly of herself, and there is a ton of pride there. She doesnt want anyone to view her in a negative light, that would start to burst her bubble. If there is anyone who questions her or tells her she is wrong, shell get defensive and cut them off.
Last edited by equalzr; 08/01/1808:46 PM.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
