On your first post, OK. Be careful with #5. Most WAWs HOPE that the LBH will do all of the heavy lifting of D. They will sit in limbo for years sometimes just to get out of the work. Some of it is so that they can tell people "He divorced me." So it was likely a goal of hers, when she made her grand announcement "I WANT A DIVORCE!" that YOU would file. That you would do the paperwork. That all she would have to do is NOT contest it. And show up at court hearings. Does that jive with the rest of your marriage? Were you the doer? Did she sit back and say things like "I think we should do this." Or "I think we should plan this." And then leave the DOING and PLANNING to you?
On your second post the answer is easy, but you won't like it: You still aren't detached. At least not fully. And as you loosen your grip on the rope you start getting anxious about the rope actually releasing from your hand. So you start to feel it slip and you tighten your grip. You might not fully readjust to where you had it gripped before, but you haven't fully let go of it yet either. There is no other explanation. When the thought of all of this being over is a relief, and you just want to move on with life without her, then you will know you are fully emotionally detached. Joseph9 is an excellent resource for this. I would confer with him on this finally bit of letting that rope go.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It just Sux to keep hearing "it takes time" I feel like its been forever, but in hindsight it kind of breaks down a bit differently. I like to say in my head "Its been 9 months!!! I should be getting over this!!" But in reality it hasn't been that long.
Affair Length - April 2017 - 1 Year 3 Months Ago.
Affair Suspicion - August 2017 - 11 Months Ago
Separation / Affair Exposure - October 2017 - 9 Months Ago
Moved out of MH - Jan 2018 - 7 Months Ago
Filed for D - Feb 2018 - 6 Months Ago
Found DB Website - March 2018 - 5 Months Ago
Truly began to Heal and Detach earnestly - May 2018 - 3 Months Ago
My current goal is to move away from hoping for OM/PDWIFE to breakup, trying to mind read her "Losses" and hoping for her downfall.
Looking into some new hairstyles, gonna shop for some new clothes soon. Just trying to think of any and all ways to re-invent myself and feel new but the same.
Also just kinda.......shooting in the dark. lol.
even A blind pig finds an acorn eventually!!
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
I emailed her several times, she had been on vacation. I havent heard back. Last time i reached out to her was like 2 weeks ago. Ill shoot her a new email today,
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
It takes time. Yes we all hate hearing that. Especially since when time is a nebulous thing. 1 second is time. 1 millennium is time. So which is it?
It is different for everyone. 1 person might be fully moved on in 3 months, another is still struggling with things after 3 years! You can't know, and it take the time it takes. It like a broken leg. Everyone wants to be healed and back on their feet quickly. But there are different degrees of broken legs. There is fractured, clean breaks, shattered legs. No two are the same. My fracture might take 6-8 weeks. Your shattered leg might take 12-18 months. The problem is that it will be fully healed when it is and not a moment before.
But as I told you last week, the key for me, and hopefully for you, is to be BUSY. All the time. Keep your mind occupied. The more you sit and stew the worse you will feel. This was me. As long as I was busy I could cope. When I was bored I constantly stewed on the sitch.
I've also seen a pattern. Anytime you have a close-encounter, you spin. You said you saw them leaving with your S from SiL's house. And then today you are struggling. This is why I've said that the TRO might be, in your sitch, a blessing in disguise.
But in general, just stay strong OK! You've got this. The way you've handled her in texts recently has been textbook perfect. And while it feels counter-intuitive, that is, what the vets around her refer to as, the illusion of action. Doing NOTHING feels wrong, especially to fix-it type LBHs. But doing something is counter-productive so you have to fight that urge.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Some of it is so that they can tell people "He divorced me."
This was my guess, part of playing the Victim. Fits like a glove.
Originally Posted by Steve85
So it was likely a goal of hers, when she made her grand announcement "I WANT A DIVORCE!" that YOU would file. That you would do the paperwork. That all she would have to do is NOT contest it. And show up at court hearings. Does that jive with the rest of your marriage? Were you the doer? Did she sit back and say things like "I think we should do this." Or "I think we should plan this." And then leave the DOING and PLANNING to you?
First part i agree, she just didnt want to pay to file or do the work. 2nd Part, depends. She did all the wedding planning, also took care of things like Dr. Bills. I planned our HoneyMoon. I did all our Apartment Searching and appointment setting therein. I would say the "Planning / Doing" was about 70%/30% (me 70%)
Originally Posted by Steve85
On your second post the answer is easy, but you won't like it: You still aren't detached. At least not fully. And as you loosen your grip on the rope you start getting anxious about the rope actually releasing from your hand. So you start to feel it slip and you tighten your grip. You might not fully readjust to where you had it gripped before, but you haven't fully let go of it yet either. There is no other explanation. When the thought of all of this being over is a relief, and you just want to move on with life without her, then you will know you are fully emotionally detached. Joseph9 is an excellent resource for this. I would confer with him on this finally bit of letting that rope go.
I agree. I am not fully detached. There are times I like to think I am, but I am not. Josephs has been invaluable in keeping me in line with detaching. Maybe I am just letting the rope out slowly instead of dropping it. Belay habits (Right Makia?)
I think I am afraid to drop the rope 100%. I think in the back of my mind I may fear dropping the rope right when the losses hit her (hence my asking about Losses earlier today). Like if i were to finally fully detach, and she wants to start talking R, and I think I fear that FINAL sense of Loss, that it really is 100% done, dead and gone.
Which again brings up the juxtaposition. Logically I WANT This to happen. It is fully detachment. I have realized I dont cope well with Change. Fully letting go of the rope would be acknowledging that its all dead and gone, and change is happening. But in my deep soul i Know all she has to offer is more abuse and lies.
One of my best friends returned from traveling yesterday and had good advice when he told me to stop talking about her (i was filing him in on 3 months worth of recent events) He said "its like when i am traveling and need to REMEMBER to speak the local language. Its so comfortable and natural to speak English, but it doesn't work, so i have to try and remember ahead of time to speak Spanish. You need to do the same thing about talking / thinking about her" Wisdom.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
Ehh. we literally passed each other driving, I only saw her for less than a second. I dont feel like i am spinning today, emotionally pretty level, but the Sitch in general is just on my mind today a lot, but im not pulling my hair out or pacing around, clenching fists, chain smoking etc like I have in the past when spinning out.
Certainly not the "Spin outs" i had experienced over the past few weeks. Its the Arguments with her that really get me spinning out.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
Which again brings up the juxtaposition. Logically I WANT This to happen. It is fully detachment. I have realized I dont cope well with Change. Fully letting go of the rope would be acknowledging that its all dead and gone, and change is happening. But in my deep soul i Know all she has to offer is more abuse and lies.
OK, here is the thing. Detachment isn't final. Most of the people on this forum that moved to R with their WASs FULLY detached. In fact, full detachment was what finally brought their WASs to their sense. Without it, R was impossible.
The other thing is that there are other folks on here that fully detached, and then DIDN'T want R when their X or STBX came crawling back. Likely you'll fall into this category since you see her for what she really is now.
The point is that full detachment doesn't mean that you are open to future R, it just means that you will be fine either way! ItHurts is a perfect example of that!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Yea i know. The thing is yet again, emotioanlly i want her to approach me for R, just to know she finally realized the scope and scale of what damage she caused and what she threw away, but i think unless she were to do LOTS and LOTS of work to R, i wouldnt even consider it. Too much pain and deliberate hurt has occurred. Too much violation of trust.
I want her to want me, but I dont want to want her anymore. Very confusing stuff.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
