Wife gone- No Contact for 5 months

[Gerda]

Wow, that quote! Hold on to that, it's a message from beyond the mountain to you! I have a few of those in cards H wrote me from before BD. They are a lifeline.

[kiro]

Hi everyone,

I can use some advice on my situation.

First update on GAL:

I have organized a group activity for this week end to go out with friends to do an outdoor activity and then to go for a group dinner. We will 30 people, adults and kids. We organize this on a Whatsapp group that, unfortunately, my W is on. She never writes anything, but she clearly stays there to find out what's going on.

I also booked a trip in 1 week to take my kids to Boston for 5 days.

Update on W:

Surprisingly, she took the kids since Wednesday and they'll stay with her till tomorrow. I've been calling the kids. They're happy. She took them to the movies and then went to a restaurant with my S17. My other S13 spends most of his days with his friends.

Today, my S13 called me because he forgot his soccer shoes home and had a soccer practice. W was going to bring him home to get the shoes. I told him to ask W to return to me the house keys and the garage door opener since she didn't live here anymore since December. She refused.

She was waiting in her car (that I pay). I went out, said hi then asked her to return me the keys and the garage opener. Here is how the conversation went:

W "No" then angrily "Half of this house is mine. I told you I want a divorce and you've been putting it off. I will call my lawyer... blah blah blah"

Me "Really?"

W "Yes"

Me "You know that I can easily disconnect your garage opener and change the key lock, right? And by the way, I never put off the divorce or the mediation"

W with an angry and upset tone "Well, you said you needed 2 or 3 months"

Me walking away from her "You know what? We'll talk about this another time when you'll calm down"

W almost shouting "But I am calm"

Then, while she was still in her car, I opened the garage and started disconnecting the garage door. I still haven't changed the door lock though.

The reason I asked her to return these is because I don't like when she comes in the house while I am away. I don't know what she does. I know she did it a few times while I was not home because I noticed that certain things were missing. . And sometimes, when she has the kids, she brings them any time without telling me and they walk in through the garage while I am not expecting them.

Should I change the lock to the door?

Should I go to mediation and get it over with?

Should I close the joint account that she uses only to pay the kids cellphones? Should I stop paying her car and her insurance and a few other small bills?

Or should I do nothing?

[kiro]

Maybe it is time to take an appointment with a mediator?

Anyway, it will take time and many sessions before reaching some sort of agreement.

Am I afraid? Yes a little bit because I don't know what to expect. Financial ruin. Kids custody... I guess I should just man-up and get it over with.

[kml]

You need to consult with an attorney to find out what your rights are and to get an idea of what your financial picture will likely be in a divorce.

[kiro]

I already consulted a lawyer and I have an idea. He advised to go to mediation as soon as possible. Mediation is the first step to file for divorce.

[DnJ]

Kiro - my goodness that stirred up the hornets nest.

It’s ok, we’ve all been there. There is lots of stress, and it is hard not to react. Get up and dust yourself off. Don’t worry about W, let her cool off. And try to leave the hornets nest alone.

A few things. Hope you’re up for it.

Today, my S13 called me because he forgot his soccer shoes home and had a soccer practice. W was going to bring him home to get the shoes. I told him to ask W to return to me the house keys and the garage door opener since she didn't live here anymore since December. She refused.

When you need to communicate to W do it directly, do not go through the kids. They don’t want to be in the middle and she wont be any more receptive to your request or any less p!ssed off (probably more) just because it comes from the kids.

A question or demand from W coming to me through one of our kids might just taint this calm demeanour of mine. It certainly would make me disinclined to acquiesce to her request.

This is good advice. Thanks DnJ. The L was talking very theoretically. But in reality, the financial loss between getting an agreement now or getting it later is not that big. I will wait a few more months and see if she brings it up again. I like your idea of getting a legal separation signed.

Why the change in your plan? Did something happen?

Remember you have the gift of time, and doing nothing is doing something. Be patient.

I am guessing that W has been pushing your buttons and you reacted. It was your one year anniversary of BD a week ago, that may have stirred up some emotions for you and maybe W too. Might explain some of her outburst or your’s.

Last week you were calm. This week not so much. Next week you’re in Boston with your kids - yippee! The week after who knows what will happen.

You made some very good posts and points to Gordie and Gerda about being patient. This is a long trek, no need to run.

Am I afraid? Yes a little bit because I don't know what to expect. Financial ruin. Kids custody... I guess I should just man-up and get it over with.

You need to consult with an attorney to find out what your rights are and to get an idea of what your financial picture will likely be in a divorce.

I agree with kml, and go ever further. You need more than an idea what your financial picture will likely be, you need to know. Find out the worst case, the probable case, and ask those hard questions. Find out if you can legally change the lock, close accounts, and so on.

You do not have to act on any of it. Knowledge is power. You will have answers. You will have the gift of time. You will have the ability to decide on a thought out course of action.

This is one of the biggest, maybe the biggest, decision in your life. If needed see another L and get another opinion.

I total get that you are afraid.

Kiro, listen to me - you are doing good. You are no where close to as messed up and scared as I was. You will make it through this. You will be much better.

So my advice, my answer to your questions.

Should I change the lock to the door?
Should I go to mediation and get it over with?
Should I close the joint account that she uses only to pay the kids cellphones?
Should I stop paying her car and her insurance and a few other small bills?

Or should I do nothing?

You only gave yourself two options. The first way or nothing.

Remove “or” from question 5. You now have listed five different choices. You can take anywhere from none of them to all of them, even at the same time. You can even choose something different, you are not limited now.

That little word “or” restricts your freedom of choice. It hampers finding other ideas. It gives the illusion of an all or nothing situation.

Of those five choices - at the moment I would choose something else.

You are one year into this. Be patient and give it time. There has been no reason or action for you to rush into mediation. You had a plan last week. Keep calm, let her do the heavy lifting if she wants, and see what happens over the next few months. Ok this is kind of like the doing nothing approach.

Anyhow, while you’re doing that. Focus on you and kids, gal, talk to L, work on detachment, and enjoy your trip to Boston.

Whew, doing nothing is a lot of work.

Hang in there, you’re doing fine.

[job]

I know you are afraid. You don't have to make decisions today. Take a step back and breathe. The only thing you need to do is make sure your kids are okay.

DnJ has given you plenty to think about. If you aren't sure what to do....then do nothing. Don't make decisions when you are upset or afraid. We tend to regret those decisions later.

As for the locks, did you ask your lawyer if you could change the locks? In my area, you can't change the locks until your spouse has draft separation papers in hand. I was advised that my xh had to have all of his personal belongings out of the house before I could change the locks, even though he had moved out 3 months earlier and had 5 mailing addresses. Yep, that's right, 5 mailing address. Check to make sure you can do this. I would hate to see you have to give her a key to the new locks.

Take your time when it comes to making decisions about those items you've listed. Monitor your credit report to ensure nothing new has been added that you aren't aware of.

Last but not least....breathe!

[kiro]

Thx DnJ and Job

I texted her yesterday that I was ready for mediation and agreed that she takes an appointment in mid August.

I will consult a lawyer again to get another opinion and be ready.

I wont change the door locks yet. It is just annoying knowing she can walk in any time and go through my stuff while I am away. But it is not life threatening. I can live with that. I will also ask the L anyway.

I figured that it is better to go to the mediation session and know what she has in mind, and also to protect myself. She probably thinks I am trying to screw her financially. I am not. She will end up taking most of the savings especially if I buy out her share of the house.

And I also didnt want her to think I was trying to manipulate her into coming back. She clearly asked 3 times for divorce through mediation. I told her I needed a couple of months, so it is only fair to agree and let her take the appointment. Marriage is not a prison. If she wants out, I wont stop her.

I will do my best to always remain calm and polite during the sessions. I see it as a business negotiation session. I want a win win result while maintaining a good long term relationship, just like I would do with any of my clients or partners at work. I will prepare accordingly.

I am much calmer and at peace today. I finally played some piano this morning after several months. And planning to spend the rest of the day out.

But I will continue DBing and wont lose hope yet, while having zero expectation. I want to be fair and patient at the same time.

[kiro]

And you are right DnJ. I will stop asking the kids to communicate on my behalf, not for her, but for the kids because they dont like being the middlemen.

Why did I change from my position a few weeks ago? I dont think I changed my position that much. I still think legal separation is better than D but I dont if it exists here. I will ask L.

But I realized that I was being unfair to her if this is what she wants. I am still holding to my values and prefer R over D, but one of my values is also Justice and fairness.

And I also gave her my word that I would let her know when I was ready within 2 or 3 months.

Also, I realized that ignoring her request to go to mediation is me trying to control her, which is one of tge things she blamed me with after BD. So agreeing is part of my 180 and trying to be a better person.

Lastly, the more I ignored her request, the more she became upset and this could hurt me even further during mediation because I need her cooperation.

[DnJ]

Those are good choices Kiro.