Just called my cousin. He went through a breakup 15 years ago. He told me to talk to a lawyer and get things rolling. Prepare for another 6-12 months of pain and hardship. My mom on the other hand is telling me to work on myself and pray. Pray hard.
I can't take another month of this much less 6-12. I can't. All of these issues that I thought have gone away from my childhood are still there, rubbed the protective skin of marriage completely off until the raw, sensitive insides were exposed again.
I just read everything. While your situation is yours, this seems like a familiar story.
Stop blaming yourself. Work on yourself: gym, counseling, fun, friends, GAL. Meetup.com is your friend.
Don't be sad when your WW (wayward wife) gets excited about her project. Acknowledge it from afar as if you were the cashier at the grocery store but don't go far with it. Be pleasant and happy with yourself, at least in front of her.
Don't be there for her 24/7 either, she wants out right? Don't ask her about the OM (other man).
Don't worry about the physical attention you aren't getting it right now. You can't control it, so focus your mind on what you can control.
This is going to be painful, it will take time to figure out. You may never be with her again or it may take months or years to figure out. You don't control this either, so be a strong, happy person and focus that energy on something positive to make YOUR LIFE better. You have to worry about yourself and improve yourself.
Don't lie to her to make things easy or cover for her. Her wrongdoing is her wrongdoing.
Good luck!
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Just called my cousin. He went through a breakup 15 years ago. He told me to talk to a lawyer and get things rolling. Prepare for another 6-12 months of pain and hardship. My mom on the other hand is telling me to work on myself and pray. Pray hard.
I can't take another month of this much less 6-12. I can't. All of these issues that I thought have gone away from my childhood are still there, rubbed the protective skin of marriage completely off until the raw, sensitive insides were exposed again.
And it hurts. So. much.
It wouldn't hurt to talk to a lawyer or two just to know how things work and get prepared. Find someone with a free initial consultation.
You can take another month of this. You can take more I'd bet. And you might have to.
I know it hurts badly, I've been there and done that. But the sooner you start DB'ing the better. You need to go full on LRT (Last Resort Technique).
Do you have the DB/DR book(s)?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I just read everything. While your situation is yours, this seems like a familiar story.
Stop blaming yourself. Work on yourself: gym, counseling, fun, friends, GAL. Meetup.com is your friend.
Don't be sad when your WW (wayward wife) gets excited about her project. Acknowledge it from afar as if you were the cashier at the grocery store but don't go far with it. Be pleasant and happy with yourself, at least in front of her.
Don't be there for her 24/7 either, she wants out right? Don't ask her about the OM (other man).
Don't worry about the physical attention you aren't getting it right now. You can't control it, so focus your mind on what you can control.
This is going to be painful, it will take time to figure out. You may never be with her again or it may take months or years to figure out. You don't control this either, so be a strong, happy person and focus that energy on something positive to make YOUR LIFE better. You have to worry about yourself and improve yourself.
Don't lie to her to make things easy or cover for her. Her wrongdoing is her wrongdoing.
Good luck!
Hey there .
I got the books on order. DR tomorrow. DB Friday. I also got No More Mr. Nice Guy.
I don't want to wait years. I don't want to wait months, but I know that I will need months at least to rebuild. But I can't wait for years. I feel like every day without physical human contact I die a little more inside.
I can't take another month of this much less 6-12. I can't. All of these issues that I thought have gone away from my childhood are still there, rubbed the protective skin of marriage completely off until the raw, sensitive insides were exposed again.
I'm not telling you to deny your feelings, but you have to get it together. Cry your cries and rise above. Whether you get back with the W or move on, you need to start acting like a confident masculine. People here call it NGS, I say it is embracing your feminine energy. It is more than just being nice. Men often embrace this energy once in an R/M. We think it is the way to move closer to make peace. We are wrong.
I strongly encourage you to look into this if you want to get results. You are not the victim here. You need to be the man you were meant to be.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
I kind of found it funny that you are going through one of the most difficult of lifes tragedies, and you are getting advice to express your emotions, cry it out, embrace your masculinity and then asked to refrain from potty words. What the fu#^? Umm seriously. That was very controlling and demasculinating of a man in pain. This forum isnt being read by a bunch of kindergartners. We can handle exclamation points substituting for letters. He wasnt insulting any one. Not sure if that poster was trying to subliminily establish alpha by telling you how to express yourself when hurt in the guise of rules?
But to reiterate, this is a process that takes years not months. It is painful. Life is painful. But pain is just a feeling and it is not permanent. You just have to take it day by day.
In the beginning its a lot of acute care, addressing the open wound.
Exercise is an absolute must. Make it a top priority at this stage. Work on self preservation. .
Most of all, make it about your child. Give her lots of extra attention and focus on ways to ensure that she feels safe and protected. The kids are the real victims of all of this. And being there for you child is gonna make it all worthwhile. You will realize your worth and importance through the eyes of your child. Dont depend on anyone else to give you that sense of worth.
I think you are right to limit contact except for logistics concerning daughter/house hold. Stay polite and save your emotion for us, not ex. I think advice is right to talk to an attorney early on so you can
Its hard to gal and detach. It is a daily struggle. But it will not always feel like this. You are in the trenches right now.
I can't take another month of this much less 6-12. I can't. All of these issues that I thought have gone away from my childhood are still there, rubbed the protective skin of marriage completely off until the raw, sensitive insides were exposed again.
I'm not telling you to deny your feelings, but you have to get it together. Cry your cries and rise above. Whether you get back with the W or move on, you need to start acting like a confident masculine. People here call it NGS, I say it is embracing your feminine energy. It is more than just being nice. Men often embrace this energy once in an R/M. We think it is the way to move closer to make peace. We are wrong.
I strongly encourage you to look into this if you want to get results. You are not the victim here. You need to be the man you were meant to be.
I know I'm not the victim. I have accepted the circumstances that led to this. Like I said in my first post, the seeds were planted a long time ago and the awful fruit is finally growing and ripening. I am working on self-repair, GAL, and making improvements to what I can control. That's not to say I am experiencing growing pains and expressing them. I'm not waking up and start crying and asking for pity from everyone. I have the following support:
-My parents (huge welcome surprise, especially for them being in an arranged Muslim marriage) -My cousin -My marriage counselor -This forum -A fellow on Reddit
Other than that, I've been very limited to her friends (my friends too) about our situation.
And I started to read the NGS book as suggested. I have a lot of symptoms of NGS. I'm working on understanding the what and the why, and get it under control by myself as well as support groups.
All I can say for now is that yesterday is gone and today is here. I've been saying that for 7 months. I'm just hoping that the next 7 months will be more conducive to my growth and healing.
I can't take another month of this much less 6-12. I can't.
I wish I could tell you something to make it better. I can tell you it will get better (it does) and that you may even have a better life than you did before (you will) and that you are going to come out of this stronger and a better person (you will). But when you're in so much pain, and confused, and spinning the words really don't help. I know they don't, because I was right where you are and people told me these things and they didn't help at all. But what I can tell you is this- don't worry about making it a month or a week just focus on today. Get through today. And if that's too much then get through the next hour. If you feel like you can't do it for you then do it for your kids, because they need you now more than ever. Let tomorrow worry about itself, your only concern is today. Make that your focus.
If you start having suicidal thoughts then go to the doctor and get evaluated for situational depression. Many of us had to go on anti-depressants and it does help even if just taken temporarily (I was on them around 3 months). In my case I thought I was handling things well but then months after BD I suddenly crashed hard. I felt like a hollow shell, like my soul or essence was gone. It took A/D's about a week to start working but once they kicked in I quickly got back to feeling like my old, normal pre-BD self.
I can't take another month of this much less 6-12. I can't.
I wish I could tell you something to make it better. I can tell you it will get better (it does) and that you may even have a better life than you did before (you will) and that you are going to come out of this stronger and a better person (you will). But when you're in so much pain, and confused, and spinning the words really don't help. I know they don't, because I was right where you are and people told me these things and they didn't help at all. But what I can tell you is this- don't worry about making it a month or a week just focus on today. Get through today. And if that's too much then get through the next hour. If you feel like you can't do it for you then do it for your kids, because they need you now more than ever. Let tomorrow worry about itself, your only concern is today. Make that your focus.
If you start having suicidal thoughts then go to the doctor and get evaluated for situational depression. Many of us had to go on anti-depressants and it does help even if just taken temporarily (I was on them around 3 months). In my case I thought I was handling things well but then months after BD I suddenly crashed hard. I felt like a hollow shell, like my soul or essence was gone. It took A/D's about a week to start working but once they kicked in I quickly got back to feeling like my old, normal pre-BD self.
I've been A/Ds off and on for 15 years now. I stopped from 2011 to 2016 because my depression was too much to handle and I always had the Sunday blues (I hated my previous job). The medication helped, but it also set in motion the events to the split. I'm on a combination of antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication which is getting me through the days, but by no means I am and feel like I will never be my pre-BD self.
Thank you for the kind words of support. I'm getting by, one minute at a time.
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