It would be MUCH more tolerable if it didnt come with the difficult to ignore physical symptoms, which are.......hard to describe. I can only attempt to explain it like this, it seems to come in steps, or waves, and i dont always catch myself doing these things until after i notice ive been doing them for a while. Anger is a very odd emotion.
Step 1.) "The Stomach Twistys" - This is clearly a psychosomatic symptom of anxiety. it feels like my core muscles are charged up ready to do some form of activity, but it never comes.
Step 2.) If Step 1 continues and worsens, I start to get "Flexy Hands" I spend a lot of time cracking knuckles, flexing my hands out wide, the folding into fists. Usually this step is accompanied by heavy "Stressed" sounding breath exhalations through pursed lips.
Step 3.) "Flexy Hands" turn to "Head Magnets", as i become more stressed, i will begin to put my head in my hands a lot, usually leaning on my desk, or nervously run my hands through my hair.
Step 4.) "Lightning Blood and Fire Breath" this is usually the last step, unless things get REALLY bad. It feels like I have lightning in my muscles, Lava in my blood and that i exhale pyroclastic flow. This is the stage where my body really betrays me, it is very hard to harness my emotions at this stage. I have tried to explain this level of anger to SIL before, as my brother and I both experince this, Ive tried to explain it to WIFE in the past (before BD) as well. I never got this angry WITH / AT wife before, but i have been angry in FRONT of her about unrelated stuff. She didnt like my temper, which is understandable. It feels like my get physically charged with energy, and the only outlet for it at this point is physical exertion, screaming / yelling, or lots of quiet time.
Step 5.) "Critical Mass" - this is the rare and dangerous level of anger for me. This is when I advance too quickly through the "Lightning Blood Phase" and my logic is completely washed away by red rage. This is the state i was in when i hit WIFE's car and got the TRO, as well as 7/20 when she went off on me. This is the stage when I DO NOT THINK, i just REACT. I say horribly offensive things, punch walls, and run my mouth in a very unreasonable state. From Oct - March I was in this place a lot. Almost lost my job over it, made myself look like an @$$ because of some of the (VERY HONEST) but vulgar things i said to WIFE about affair and OM. Like calling her a S*UT, or when she said "think of the position you put me in (blame shifting)" and I replied "What position would that be? on your back with your legs open while i was at home watching our son or working to pay for our home?!!?"
------------------------------- While 90% of the time, my progression through these steps requires contact with WIFE and her pissing me off, sometimes, it just....shows up.
Today is one of the latter days, and id say im at a Step 3.5 right now. I feel the "Breath Fire" but no "Lightning Muscles / Laval Blood" sensations at this point.
i may look at another IC, the one im waiting to hear back from doesnt prescribe meds, and i think i may need them to help fix ^^^^ this.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
I am in control, although it is still seeming difficult to maintain said control. I can still feel the wheel of the "Cycle" or recovery rolling, but i feel it less keenly each time around.
Mind reading most likely, but i feel like the "Loss or series of losses" is mounting for her, here are the reasons I think this to be the case.
1.) The Exposure of Affair - The affair was an impulse decision, and as it was exciting, new and fun, she maintained it. I dont believe She ever wanted me to find out about the affair, She hid it for months, fervently, and denied it for months, despite mounting evidence. She lied about the scope of the affair and lead me on for months until i surrendered the apartment. I believe her intention was originally to keep the affair secret (although she messed up in doing this) and stay in the marital home.
2.) The Apartment - As mentioned above, she was very careful to instill false hope during Oct-Dec before i surrendered the apartment. Once she knew the MH was going away, and her stuff would have to move, she wouldnt have a landing pad, and that I was standing up for myself, her demeanor changed dramatically. She want from wishy washy with Hope and Hurt, to 100% cold discard. She Never expected me to leave our home or move on by myself.
3.) Caught Red Handed - When I caught her at OM's house in Jan after she had told me several times they were just friends, it was a ONS, they werent seeing eachother.
4.)Divorce - Despite yelling "I WANT A DIVORCE" in MC meeting in Jan, she never filed, and had AMPLE time to do so. I dont think she ever expected me to go through with it, and it caused serious personal narcissistic injury when I did. Causing her to "Hate" me more.
5.) Her Car - Her car died and she is now RELIANT on OM for a vehicle, he is also the only place they hang out with. She seems to have already alienated his friends.
6.) Custody - She wanted the custody schedule to stay the same as we had set it up back in Oct. She wasnt pleased when the Court issued a new one that was mandatory. It conflicted with her schedule.
7.) Child Support / Daycare - This is a big one. She has thought this whole time the divorce would go her way at every turn. Since the notice that I am not responsible for Daycare, she has very much shut down. Isnt reaching out antagonistically or with false concern like she was a few weeks back. She was VERY cold and rude to SIL yesterday.
8.) Nobody Cares - Most of what she does is motivated by attention seeking. The Drama and hubbub of the affair/divorce and new R with OM has lost its social impact. Life is returning to normal, just work and Childcare, day to day stuff. But now she doesnt have a home, a car, independence, or nearly as much free time or available spending money. The cascade of BS is starting to pile up around her legs. Moreover, She has had to explain and deal with the social fallout of explaining what happened, lying about it, and dealing with people who know the truth of what happened.
Sandi - Does this sound like the type of "Losses" you refer to ?
Bump for opinions???
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
I think sandi's "feeling loss" probaby doesn't apply to your sitch OK. That is for WWs that are still trying to keep their H for the husband side of things. Kind of like when a WW is still living with the H, and living off his income, etc.
I could be wrong, but I do not think a feeling of loss is going to work with your STBXW.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I just want the weight and consequence of what she did to fall upon her.
Again, your WW has a past that suggests that she will never feel the weight and consequence of what she did. So why focus on it?
I know you struggle with this on and off. But YOU know the weight and consequence of what she did, whether or not she ever does. It was through all of this that she showed her true colors. As you've said, the person you thought she was is an illusion.
The illusion of who she was MIGHT have felt the weight and consequence of what she did.
The real person she probably never will. And even if she ever does, you'll be the last person to know.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
OrangeK, there are signs that my husband has been feeling loss similar to what you describe you wish your wife would feel. Oddly enough, it doesn't seem to make much difference in the overall situation. Last night, once again, my husband started crying on the phone when he did FaceTime with our daughter and said he had to go. His fantasy life has ended but the fact that he's feeling loss doesn't seem to make me feel any happier and it doesn't appear to increase the likelihood that we'll reconcile in the future. I'm just sharing that so you can see the same could potentially happen in your case. It seems like it would help to bring closure when the other person feels loss, but strangely enough it doesn't seem to work that way.
You have ZERO control over how, when, and what loss she will feel. That timeline is completely out of your hands. Let it go.
Not looking to control in Makia, just trying to understand it. I have said this before on other posts, i know her personality type is going to lead to her trying to manipulate me again down the road. I need to be as prepared for that and have a full understanding of it so when (not if) she comes back in trying to manipulate me, i have the proper knowledge and emotional defenses to NOT get roped back into an abusive relationship. I recognize that right now, i am susceptible to that. I have not fully detached, and gotten over her.
please understand my desire for understanding comes from a place of defense and self preservation.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
Are you trying to convince us? Or yourself? (This is not to answer, just to think about.)
I will answer, because I have answered this question several times, and nobodfy seems to believe me.
I am not trying to convince anyone. It is a fact I am fully aware of. I dont need to convince any of you of this fact, and certainly not myself. See my reply to Makia.
Why is it nobody can seem to believe that I want knowledge about how she will act / react for the sole purpose of keeping myself emotionally defended?
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
