Not sure DB is working? AnotherStander help!

[Jlh]

I'm so sorry, Davide.

Thank you for the reply, I've been distancing myself more and following the detaching properly finally, but I didn't know if telling his to just take the rest would be working against DBing. I'm not packing anything for him or moving his boxes, he can do it all himself, but I did know if just saying, "Can you go ahead and just take it all now instead of this slow moving, would be ruining my DB efforts.

[Jlh]

This roller coaster ride is just AMAZING! (rolls eyes)

Monday night, son and I called H earlier than his normal call time to say goodnight to son since kiddo was super tired. H answered and sounded pleasant. When I returned the greeting, he shouted, "HI!" in a very excited tone toward me. I'm proud because I kept my cool and didn't get too eager thinking it was a magical sign that he's out of his tunnel. We discussed our son for a few minutes and then he spoke to son and we hung up afterward.

The next day he was quiet and thoughtful when he picked up our son for the evening. at drop off time he was just as quiet. Something seems off in him, like he's wistful, if that makes any sense but I don't comment on his looking down like I used to, I just stay friendly and keep it cool. It was a hard day yesterday I admit, due to being exhausted from summer vacation insanity and doing it all alone in the house regarding DIY and cleaning, etc.

I'm proud of how I'm standing my ground and being more firm. I noticed my shoulders don't slump as much in his presence and I don't feel so sad. I'm slowly getting tough like if he doesn't come back, I will be able to survive and be happy on my own with my son. My job is going well, I got my first paycheck, and used some of it to get groceries with my own hard earned money. It felt so good!

[Jlh]

Help! I need wise words and a pat on the back today. I'm partially curious about this and I'm wondering if anyone had a word or two on it as well. Is it hurting the detachment if you just ask out of curiosity to the walkaway spouse what you did to make them hate you so much? I'm just honestly curious how they can just seem to turn of legit feelings while claiming they never loved, love but don't love, etc etc. They think they feel that way yet so many friends and family can see how the spouse really was all those years

I've noticed that since I detached more and properly, H barely looks at or talks to me, he even seems a little annoyed that I'm moving forward with a job and working on me. I had a tummy bug for a few days and he told me to call him if I needed anything but I told him not to worry and our son would be fine so he left in a huff. Granted I don't make much eye contact with him lately because the anger part of it is hitting me now. I feel like it's not fair that I have to be so calm and cool while he can make no sense and just run off to his apartment and hide from the world while I do the child raising and other responsibilities.

It's not fair and I hate it, but I'm being tough and moving forward, plus it feels good to be occupied with work and my hobbies. I guess this is one of the low days of the coaster ride but I hate this.

[hongaku]

Do not ask things like that. It is absolutely pursuit, pressure and R talk all rolled into one. First of all, your H most likely does NOT actually hate you. It feels like it, I know. It's probably a mixture of anger and resentment towards you, anger towards himself, stress, confusion and frustration.

It isn't fair. None of this is fair. It's all totally unfair, in fact. Us LBS' have to let our WAS' sort themselves out. We have to do our best to actually let them do that, sort ourselves out in the interim and become the best us we can be, and essentially hope that the WAS realizes that maybe we're not so bad after all and maybe they do want to give reconciliation a shot. That's it in a nutshell.

Beyond that, we have to prepare ourselves for the outcome we don't want and be ready to live our lives without this person that we still love but who doesn't want us anymore.

[Rose888]

You say you are angry that he is leaving you with the child rearing, but when he offered his help when you were sick, you rejected his help. So you are actively discouraging him from stepping up and taking care of things.

Remember, detachment doesn't mean cold or distant. It means your emotions are not tied to what he does or doesn't do.

And I agree with hongaku. Asking him why he hates you is definitely pursuit.

[Jlh]

Thanks for your words, Hongaku. This week was a bad one with my fussy son and I steered my anger toward H in my mind while I took care of things around the house as well. Some days are easier than others. I don't really want to ask him what he hates about me, be I get curious sometimes. Any little thing spooks him and the last thing I want to do is freak him out again. What you said about his own issues and frustrations makes total sense. I just need to take a breath and remember that sometimes.

I'm hoping for the best while preparing for the possible worst. The good part of all of this is, I am finding myself again and my old interests.
____

Rose888, you're right. I didn't think of it that way until I read your words. I've been angry with him with a mindset of "Well you let ME so I'll show you that I don't need you." It never occurred to me that maybe that was why he left in a huff that evening. Maybe I should calm down and stop that and let him help while I was ill. I'm going to thank him for his offer tonight when my son calls to say goodnight to me (hes at his dad's tonight.)

[Jlh]

Well this week, H didn't have the zombie, glazed foggy eyed look. He even texted with me about something and typed an 'LOL'. I haven't seen one of those from him since before this mess started.

So I was casual about it all and kept my cool, not sucking into his looking a little clearer. I'm glad I did because today he was back to being foggy again. It's very odd though because it seems like the clearer H shows up a bit more lately and then bizarro H takes over a bit after he lets himself smile and have a little fun talking.

[Jlh]

Me again, lol! So I'm doing better after you guys knocked me back into shape regarding detachment. I keep things friendly and accept his help when he offers with some things. We've been working together and actually talking to take care of our relic of a hot water heater which is about to die soon. He said he'd take care of it money-wise and I offered to call around for estimates and whatnot since he can't exactly do it during the day with his job. I used to be so scared to talk to strangers on the phone for business reasons but now I can do it! I shocked myself at how I've grown up and used the phone like a "big girl" regarding many issues.

But anyway, I didn't brag about that to him or anything, but he has thanked me numerous times and told me that he appreciated my calling around for him and that it helped him greatly.

Today he picked up my son and informed me about his eye insurance we're on and told me to go get myself some nice glasses and explained how the eye insurance covers a lot. I don't know where that came from since when it comes to my health, he's been casual, almost avoiding things like asking how I'm doing. I nicely thanked him for the info and then told him that I was going to be late for my outing so I had to get going after they left.

I have the confused "Shrek sneer" (if you know the movie and the character) when it comes to him lately. He still hasn't come for the rest of his things even though a few weeks ago in an argument I told him to just end the torture and come get them, he's laughing a bit more and even puts "lol" into texts which he is also doing more of. Its nothing huge and I don't chase him around, I still keep things casual and polite. I just am kind of surprised at how he's acting a little less foggy. He's still acting skittish but less cold and distant.

I don't know what the stages are to all of this midlife strange behavior but hopefully he's coming toward the light at the end of the tunnel? Until then, I'm working and taking care of me and my boy and looking into churches and some social programs for us both. (thumbs up)

[arsh18]

Hi JLH, I wouldn’t worry about MLC stages, it doesn’t really help you. I have done it all, analyzed WH as mlc, depressed but the truth is it’s just us trying to make sense of this nonsense. If you are interested in MLC stages look up heart blessings posts. Anyway your path would still be to just focus on yourself and S and leave the rest to God

[Jlh]

Hi arsh18, sorry it took so long to get back, it's been crazy lately with work and getting the kiddo ready for school again. Yeah, I was so focused on the stages but I gave up and have been more focused on my work now. Some positive stuff is I guess that when he calls to say goodnight to our boy he sounds less foggy, laughs more and wants to talk a bit, but the odd part is when he's over in person he is rather shy and skittish. I don't know what that's about but I just keep with what I'm doing in the house and don't push for him to come in the living room or anything like that. Whatever his deal is, he seems to be a little nicer and his eyes look more like his old self, but I'm not opening up and letting him cake eat or anything like I did before.

I'm just excited for Fall season when there is a ton more to do for me and my son and for the season outdoors when its cooler. (we both hate the heat, lol!)